The Quest for a Mile

Where have I been?

I don't know.

I've been here, but I haven't *been* here. Does that make sense?

The horrible meetings that I mentioned in my last post didn't go nearly as bad as I thought they would have gone. Both meetings dumped a crazy large amount of work on me that is due by Thanksgiving break. Why is it that they assume since I'm young and try to remain positive that I am invincible?? A Superwoman, if you will?? Cuz I sure enough AIN'T. 'Nuff said.

Tired of waking up extra-early (try 4:30) to get to work early (try 5:30 or 6:00) so that I can work on my paperwork, and I'm also tired of staying late (try getting home Monday night at 6:00) after a long day. Is it ever gonna get done? Oh, come on, Thanksgiving break!! I come home, make supper, and crash. Last night, I was seriously fighting falling asleep during Biggest Loser ... and then Abby left ... and I sobbed from sadness and exhaustion. Then it was off to bed for me!

So I've been dealing with the extra work, and denying my new mantra of exercise. Oh, the shame. I have avoided y'all because I feared 'fessing up. But here I am. And denying it isn't going to make it any better.

This is the strawberry roan mare...

... and here is the chestnut gelding.

Posted in: dieting, horses, letting myself down on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at at 3:40 PM 11 comments  

So, today, I got home from a very long day, wary of the even longer day that I know I'm going to have to have tomorrow, and I was feeling sorry for myself in general. (Tomorrow is going to be one grueling meeting after another, most of which seem to revolve around either my incompetence as a teacher since I can't seem to satisfy this insurmountable workload, or committees which will be discussing eliminating my job altogether. I have a bad feeling that I will be lucky to get through the day tomorrow without crying ... and I can't tell you how much I dread that.) So I got dressed in my workout clothes with all the speediness of a snail, and lowered my treadmill to the ground, and stared at it.

Nope. How can you run with a dead battery? No. I wussed out.

So I took Lola for a walk, with my tail between my legs. I had some thinking to do.

With the autumn breeze blowing, and walking out in the fields with my wiggly little black lab puppy, I had this following thought:

How can I be Jogging Auburn if I don't jog?

Does that just make me Auburn?

Is being Just Auburn working for me? .... no.

So, then, I'm a hypocrite. Not living up to my name. The name I gave myself for this moment, to remind myself that that is who I want to be, even if it is not who I am.

How can I continue to blog about the Quest for a Mile if I'm scared to jog? If I'm too drained to jog?

So I got home, and decided that I needed to jog again. But I also knew in my heart of hearts that I am starting off with a battery that is much more drained than back in the summer, which I enjoyed the delicacy of regular sleeping habits and lack of stress.

And I also remembered that I promised myself back in the day that I would not make myself jog at a pace that seemed unattainable, that was not fun, that was too hard. And I simply knew that I could not jog for one minute increments.

And then I briefly felt disgusted.

And then I picked myself back up again and thought, "Well, what CAN you do? Can you jog for 30 second increments?"

And I decided that surely I could jog for thirty seconds at a time.

And I thought that I need to pursue that Quest again. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO RUN A MILE! So, I am going to jog every day, at what I can do that day, until I can jog for 2 minute increments. Then I will begin to add in cross-training.

So, I jogged tonight. Jogged for 30 seconds, walked for 2 minutes. I only was able to go a little over thirty minutes before I got dizzy enough that I almost fell off the treadmill, and I remembered that I wouldn't push myself beyond what was safe/attainable, so I gave it a rest.

It is a Start. It is a Renewal. It is a Beginning. It is the Quest.

And I can do this. One step at a time.

With y'all's help, of course. :)

Posted in: discouragement, dog walking, jogging on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at at 8:52 PM 7 comments  

Whew! I'm back! Fall break was wonderful ... I got to catch up on some much-needed sleep, everyday was wonderful and exciting and new, and I was good. Watched what I ate, exercised when I could ... all in all, very good. :)

I found that since I was so busy, I seemed to eat a lot less than I normally would have (sometimes I accidentally skipped meals without even realizing it, which is very unlike me), and I have noticed that this week so far, even though I'm back to the ole grindstone, I am not as hungry. I hope that this is a trend that will stay!!

Incidentally, when Phil and I went to the log home company to talk about our house plans, we had a little excitement over the fireplace. We had noticed that our fireplace had been deleted in our last revision, and we thought it was just an oversight. Turns out, it was NOT an oversight: fireplaces do not come with the package. So we asked how much a wood-burning fireplace would cost to add ... the answer? "Oh, you're lookin' at probably between $25,000-$30,000." WHAT?!?! Does it really cost that much?! How does ANYONE have a fireplace if that's what they cost?!?

In other news, by way of exercise, I thought I'd let y'all know that last Friday I fulfilled a childhood dream of mine and went horseback riding for the first time (that really counts). I went with a couple of friends of mine named Catherine and Kristen. Catherine brought three of her own horses (but Kristen also has her own horses, incidentally). We took a five-mile trail in a local park, and even though it was drizzly and cold and my pony was pokey and liked to graze ... I still had the BEST time!! I was so, so happy to actually be horseback riding -- I thought my heart would burst from the pure joy of it. After it was over, Catherine let me brush the three horses down, and while she and Kristen were getting the brushes, I petted the horse I had ridden and found that I couldn't keep the tears at bay. I had wanted that moment my whole life, and it finally happened. I didn't want the trail to end! I didn't want that afternoon to ever be over, even though I couldn't feel my toes and my nose.

Catherine and Kristen were pleased that I enjoyed myself so much. Kristen even said that she's considering getting one of her horses broke so that we can ride together (only one of her horses is broken). I would love this more than words!

And GEEZ, was I SORE the next day!! I thought I wouldn't be able to sit down comfortably for a week!! What a workout, though! And it was so much fun!

Well, I've gotta be going. Got a parent-teacher meeting to attend (fun!). If all goes well, I hope to run this afternoon -- the Quest is Back ON!!

Posted in: fall break, horseback riding on Tuesday, October 20, 2009 at at 12:17 PM 6 comments  

Something weird happened to me last night. I have no explanation for it. It kind of scared me. But then again, I'm not that worried about it. Funny how you can feel both at the same time...

Well, I decided to try out the Deck of Cards workout. If you are not familiar with this workout, it goes like this: assign each suit an exercise task (last night I had hearts = jumping jacks, diamonds = squats, spades = sit-ups and clubs = push-ups), and shuffle the deck, placing it facedown. Whatever number is on the card is the number of reps you must do of that activity. (Incidentally, I made Aces a one-minute rest, and Jokers were a one-minute wall-sit).

Well, I wasn't feeling spot-on when I was getting ready to do this workout, but I thought, "No, you've just been sitting around all day, you need to get your butt in gear and burn some calories."

After I started working out, I had periods where I felt okay, and then periods where I got a little dizzy ... and then I started having what I could only describe as mini-blackouts. The entire "blackout" lasted for about a second: it started with a ringing in the ears, and it felt like the insides of my head dropped, and I lost vision for a fraction of a second, and then it was gone and I felt fine. (Remember, all that happened in a second's time.) It was so fast, I could be in the middle of my reps, and I didn't even have to stop. Part of me was thinking, "Hey, maybe you *should* stop," but other than those "pauses" I felt fine.

After the workout was over, those "blackouts" kept happening: when I was sitting down, when I was in the shower, when I was laying down. I didn't know what to do to make it stop. Phil got me a big glass of gatorade and I downed the whole thing -- didn't even know I was thirsty! -- and after that, they stopped. So, for now, I'm going with the theory that I was either dehydrated or my electrolytes were imbalanced, or both.

So, lesson of the day: Always Drink Your Water, Kids.

Today's lesson was brought to you by the letters H and O, and the number 2.

And as for now, I've gotta run. So many errands! But I hope y'all are taking care of yourselves, and drinking your water!!

Posted in: blackouts, water on Thursday, October 15, 2009 at at 9:54 AM 5 comments  

One of the perks of being a teacher is getting random, yet LONG breaks, and this week is fall break. Yippee!

Posted in: fall break on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at at 7:46 AM 5 comments  

After I posted yesterday, and I was consumed with longing for my children and my future, I strangly felt better. It was as if I remembered the person that I want to be, instead of floundering around in a daze. So, I jumped on that treadmill, and I was back to jogging. Ohhh, yeeahh! It felt so good! I am embarrassed to admit the tiny incriment that I was running (*coughcoughranfor50secondswalkedfor2minutescoughcough*), but you know what? It was HARD. And today, I am SORE. And yesterday, it was ALL I COULD DO ... so at the same time, I feel ashamed that I couldn't do more, but I am proud that I got it done, and I did it well.

Now, for a potporri of thoughts, to let you in on a few more things...

~ The last couple of days have really, truly, been terrible. My dad was let go from his job due to financial issues, and my parents are really scared about the future. The sad thing is, this is the second time this year; he was let go from another company due to finances back at the beginning of February.

~ On a slightly lighter note but still adding to the mess, I've been emailing back and forth with my uncle whom I barely know, wanting to get to know him better, and he was really rude and hurt my feelings. So much for admiring him my entire life.

~ I can't get Esther the pony. The man who bought her at the stockyard said she is not for sale, and he finally took her to his home, so I can't even visit her. I miss her, but I hope that she's happy.

~ There was a comment left on my blog a couple of days ago that really bothered me, chastising me on my use of the word "diet." For the last few days I've been mulling this over, and I would like to say in response that I agree with what was said, and I wish that I did think that way, but I am not there yet. It is all the harder when I am surrounded by people who rather openly treat dieting as a punishment. I can't help but feel shame that I must be so careful with what I eat. And, you know, if you're stomach is growling all the time, it IS a punishment, and that is hard. Also, when you are struggling to keep self-mutilation and/or suicidal thoughts at bay, just fighting against that dark depression (which, for those of you who don't know, I have been diagnosed with depression, and that's partly why I started trying to run, to learn to cope with it and control it), slipping up a couple of times with one or two negative thoughts is a step up. I'm trying my hardest, and this blog is my safe place. Thank you for your concern, and thank you for your support, but meet me where I am and help me get to where I need to be. Fair enough? :)

Okay, I feel better now that THAT is all out in the open.

Lola and I went for a wicked long walk this afternoon. It was simply gorgeous -- 80 degrees, warm breeze, sunny skies. We took the "yellow route," and once that was over, we walked a couple of miles down the road to go admire my uncle-in-law's horses and walked back. Lola was so tired she was dragging along a little behind me, pink tongue lolling out of her mouth. She'll sleep good tonight!!

All right, I'm gonna duck out for tonight. Thank you, guys, for all of your wonderful comments and support. :)

Posted in: dieting, dog walking, jogging, rough jogs on Thursday, October 8, 2009 at at 5:48 PM 8 comments  

I wrote this a while back, and it's been on my mind a lot lately, and I thought I'd share. Kind of been having a string of bad days, and I've got to recenter myself. Sometimes, the best way to do that is to focus on your goals, and remember why you are striving so hard again.

Thanks for all the support, guys. Kind of really need it right now. Thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband Phil and I are wanting to build a house on our beautiful land that just so happens to be so very far away than where we currently are living. The house is the dream -- a very distant dream that sometimes seems so teasingly close that it hurts. When I close my eyes, I can see it so clearly...

When I see it in my mind, it is early morning, because when Phil and I camp on the building site, this is the time of day that I can pretend that we do, in fact, live there. A fresh sunrise coming up right over that distant hill, and cool dew is on every leaf and blade of grass. The air is fresh and wet and green, just as it should be on a country farm. And there is our house: a farm style log house, with three dormer windows and a wrap-around porch causing a sleepy-looking roof line around the front. On that wrap-around porch I can already sense the destiny of sipping ice tea on hot summer nights, watching the fireflies and slapping at mosquitoes. I can imagine frosty winter sunrises over a hot cup of coffee, and firey autumn sunsets full with the confetti of fall leaves. Outside the house crickets chirp and cattle low, and inside the house there is laughter and the sound of little feet. There are soft places to fall, hard chairs to pay bills, things to clean and things to cook, but outside of every window is the farm that God gave us, and inside every room is love. Our house is denim and sunshine, a strange mixture of reality and fantasy.

I can see Phil and the kids playing football in our front yard, with the dogs playing both referee and linebacker. I can picture yelling at the kids to not climb that tree or don't jump out of the barn, full of anger and relief and laughter all at the same time. I can see us, the whole family, walking with our fishing poles, barefoot down the stream, ready to relax next to the fishing pond and maybe grill what we catch for supper that night. I can picture playing hide-and-go-seek with the children, giggling and running and ducking behind tree trunks, and perhaps having secret locations be given away by curious kittens or calves. I can almost see the kids camped out in the treehouse, with the flashlights shining like dim light sabers, cutting through the dark summer night. I can picture myself painting in my dream studio, blaring my music and creating beauty. The kitchen is warm and blue and sparkly and smells like crescent rolls or pumpkin pie. And all the pet animals we will have! -- cats, dogs, horses, cows, donkeys, goats, pigs, chickens, rabbits! It simply wouldn't be a farm without these things, and little baby animals that need bottle feeding, even on snowy mornings.

I can see all these things so clearly ... if only imagination could bring things into reality, then the house would exist. But then I open my eyes and look around at the little trailer that is so far away from the farm, a place where our stuff is but is not quite a home. It is achingly distant from the farm and the future and the kids. These days will be endearing in the years to come, and even here there is happiness and love, but it is not the dream.

If home is where the heart is, our home is on that little hill with the sunrise and the dew, even if that is all that is there right now.

Posted in: farm, home, kids, the dream on Wednesday, October 7, 2009 at at 1:03 PM 2 comments  

All rightie, as I expressed in a post about a week ago, my husband and I always eat lunch with my in-laws after church on Sundays, and this usually involves eating fast food of some kind. When I was last on my diet, I did not eat the fast food; I ate something low fat instead that I brought myself. Well, my father-in-law especially always seemed offended that I did this, and over time I eventually gave in and started eating what the family was eating again.

Well, I told Phil that I simply could not do this anymore. I needed to knuckle under and eat what I *needed* to eat in order to get back on track and to get this weight off. He agreed with me, saying that he had been worried about me (I think we were both thinking of the cinnamon rolls when he said this).

Our church building is located right next door to a Kroger store, so after church let out Phil and I went to Kroger's to find me something that would be okay for me to eat. I made my selection (fat free hot dogs and fat free potato chips ... perhaps not the best of choices but I was feeling a little sorry for myself all the same and needed that comfort food). So we went over to my in-laws' house, and Phil announced that I was eating my own food today.

My mother-in-law said, "Awww ... that's very .... admirable."

I was acutely aware of the pregnant pause before the word "admirable." Made me wonder if "admirable" was code for a completely different word.

So, then, the family began to figure out what they were going to eat, and Phil suggested Pizza Hut. This was especially cruel because pizza is my favorite food. I burst out, "If y'all get Pizza Hut, I think I will just cry!" Everyone laughed, even though I was serious as a heart attack, and they finally settled on Arby's.

Now, fast food choices at their house is built around the idea that the restaurants are selected due to the coupons in that week's browser, and Phil's dad began to rifle through the drawer looking for the Arby's coupons. He did not find them. He asked Phil to look. Phil could not find them, either.

And then, in a moment when they couldn't decide what to do, Phil's dad said, quite seriously, "Well, we might have to make Auburn cry."

I felt an overwhelming feeling of despair and anger at these words. Here I am, trying so hard to be good, surrounded by people who were blessed with thin genetics and could eat solid sticks of butter for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and never gain a pound ... and they are going to torture me. And then I thought that I couldn't believe that I didn't have enough will power to fight pizza when I had perfectly fine hot dogs to eat. And then I wondered if I was really going to be able to do this every week.

And then the family decided on Taco Bell. I was relieved. Taco Bell is not a favorite choice of mine even under the best of circumstances. It would be easy-peasy to isolate myself from that.

So the family ate their Taco Bell, and I ate my food, and I feel like it was about as good as a success as I could hope for.

I long for my own house that we can go to after church services are over, and we don't have the fast food fight, and I can cook something delicious and healthy for lunch.

So there it is. I didn't analyze it, I didn't sugarcoat it, I just told it. Was it a win?

Posted in: fat free hot dogs, sunday luncheon on Tuesday, October 6, 2009 at at 11:02 AM 7 comments  

I have been blessed to have been given the Over the Top award (now displayed proudly in my sidebar), but with "the joy of obligation comes the burden of responsibility," as Hank Hill would say. So in these few minutes before I leave for class I'll try to fulfill my duties.

Here is a survey of questions that I must answer in one-word responses. This shall be extremely difficult for me, but I shall try!!

1)Where is your cell phone? charging
2)Your hair? long
3)Your mother? complicated
4)Your father? cocky
5)Your favorite food? pizza
6)Your dream last night? confusing
7)Your favorite drink? coffee
8)Your dream/goal? heaven
9)What room are you in? bedroom
10)Your hobby? painting
11)Your fear? failure
12)Where do you want to be in six years? ... motherhood?
13)Where were you last night? cleaning
14)Something that you aren't? ... short
15)Muffins? chocolate
16)Wish list item? house
17)Where did you grow up? South
18) Last thing you did? email
19) What are you wearing? sweater
20) Your TV? bulky
21)Your pets? several!
22)Friends? ... yes?
23)Your life? hiatus
24)Your mood? anxious
25)Missing someone? hubby :)
26)Vehicle? Claude
27)Something you are not wearing? shoes
28)Your favorite store? Ross
29)Your favorite color? blue
30)When was the last time you laughed? today
31)Last time you cried? Friday
32)Your best friend? Phil
33) One place I go to over and over? farm
34)One person who e-mails me regularly? ... schoolboard >:(
35)Favorite place to eat? "out"

All rightie, that was difficult! And perhaps even more difficult is that now I must pick only 6 recipients of the Over the Top award. So, here we go!

Sharon at The Incredible Shrinking Sharon
Tammy at From Fat to Fab
Amy at The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom
Leslie at Something Brilliant is Brewing
Tricia at Fight Fat Phobia
Lori-Ann at Amazon Runner

All rightie, thank you for the award, and enjoy the award yourself! All the blogs I read are over the top!!

And for my faithful readers, I will post this afternoon, along with a breakdown of the Dreaded Sunday Lunch with the In-Laws. Toodles!!

Posted in: Over the Top award on Monday, October 5, 2009 at at 8:46 AM 4 comments  

All right, I have been spot-on with my dieting the last couple of days, and I haven't been letting up. I have been VERY proud of myself. Today I hopped back up on that treadmill and ran for one minute, walked for three minutes, for a total of going a mile.

And then I heard the most pitiful barking outside. So I went to the window, and there was Lola staring right at me. "PLEEEEEASE take me for a walk!" her eyes begged. I was more than happy to oblige, and I decided to take my favorite "route" with her and to take pictures for you guys!

Now, please keep in mind that I am the world's worst picture-taker, so ... please be kind.

So here we are, standing right outside my driveway. Up ahead at the bend, we'll deviate from the pavement and go "off-roading," so to speak. :)

Here's the entrance to the gravel road we'll take...

The beginning to the middle of no-where ... this is where it starts getting interesting, friends...

Here is the barn, and the end of the gravel road. :)

I thought I'd let you take a peek of what is beyond the red barn ... just for appreciation of the view ... but we are not heading straight here. We are turning to the right...

(See! We're panning!) Just a little more to the right...

There we are! Straight ahead, forward march! (Well, not *exactly* forward march ... I just had to cheat the camera a bit to the side to avoid the sun blinding us all ... )

If you actually were walking here, this path actually snakes around a former corn patch that we cut down a couple of weeks ago to make into feed to give to our cows through the winter. I kind of miss walking next to those tall, haunting stalks.

Now turn at the corner...

Now go straight for as far as the eye can see! :)

Can't forget to check on our jogging partner! Lola was all wiggles. :)

All rightie, so we have reached the end of the corn patch, and we're getting ready to cross into the cattle pasture, which, unfortunately for you guys, does not have cows in it right now because we're letting the grass recover for winter.

So, go ahead! Crawl under the fence! YES, in the mud and everything! What? You don't want to? Pansy. Consider this a total workout. :)

Okay, so we crawled under the fence! Now that wasn't so bad, was it? Now we just walk along the fencerow, walk through the field, and we're home!

All right, we've walked along the fencerow, and here is the gate opening...

Through the gate...

Across the field...

... And we're HOME!

And Phil was happy to see both of us. Good ole Lola! She makes a good jogging partner for all of us!

Glad y'all could enjoy this walk with us. If you like it, I could do another trail, but I don't know how frustratingly graphic-heavy this was for y'all. :)

Posted in: dog walking on Wednesday, September 30, 2009 at at 6:25 PM 7 comments  

Posted in: diets, dog walking, jogging, trails on Monday, September 28, 2009 at at 8:05 PM 3 comments  

Last night, I tossed and turned for hours, and I just couldn't fall asleep.

I just kept thinking of that look he gave me, and the way it made me feel.

We always eat lunch with my in-laws after church on Sunday afternoons. Normally this means eating out (and I have made heroic attempts to avoid this in the past, even bringing my own food, but my father-in-law, especially, is offended, and I have caved and just eat what everyone else eats, which only adds to the guilt spiral). Yesterday, however, we had "breakfast for lunch," which included bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, and cinnamon rolls. It was gooooood, but it was NOT healthy.

Everyone gathered up their plates of greasy goodness and ate in front of the TV, cheering on the local football team. I ate everything on my plate (which really wasn't that bad: 2 pieces of bacon, 1 piece of sausage, a couple of scoops of eggs, and 2 rolls), but I was still hungry. I sat there for about 15 minutes, hoping that the hunger would pass, but it didn't. So I went to go put my plate away, but there they were: an untouched pan of more cinnamon rolls. I stared at them. Well, we couldn't let them go to waste ... or get cold ... or whatever I told myself ... and I grabbed three and went back to my chair to eat them about as fast as I could.

When I sat down by my husband, he looked at my cinnamon rolls, and he looked me me so incredulously, and made a big show of it, looking at the plate, to me, then back to the plate. He proceeded to roll his eyes and shake his head. You could practically hear his thoughts, "You grabbed THAT much? You're gonna eat THAT much??" I never looked him in they eye ... I couldn't. I witnessed all of that out of the corner of my eye. And suddenly I had never needed that sweet, sticky food more in my entire life ... to keep myself from crying ... to keep the horrible thoughts at bay ... yes, I scarfed them down and almost got more. Meanwhile, my husband finished off all of the rest of the bacon and the sausage (which was far more than just a couple of pieces, let me assure you). The anger burned within me of his judgemental nature, when he has never been overweight -- or close to it -- for a day in his life. And I looked at the rest of the family in the room, who all ate as much as me if not more and they never exercise and they are all beanpoles. Phil's mother has even had doctors try to get weight ON her.

I felt sick at myself. Of myself.

And I know that I haven't been working hard enough to lose the weight.

So I laid there last night, remembering that moment when he looked at my plate, and I kept wallowing between despair and self-pity. Is social awkwardness worth this internal battle? What would be SO FRICKING BAD if I made my own dern lunch at times like this?

I remember Phil's grandmother, who told me about a year ago, "Well, you know, you're always gonna be big boned."

Grrr. No, I'm not! I will not be typecasted. I will fight this. I want my skinny self. I want my skinny clothes. I want my LIFE back.

I miss running with my increases of 5 seconds every time. I do. I miss it. It was easy to chart success. So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna start that again. From scratch. Yes, there is shame in starting from scratch, since I started this back in July and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. But it's a new dawn ... it's a new day ... and I'm getting nowhere NOT trying to do something about it.

I'm sorry if I've failed y'all ... I feel like starting over is failing myself ... but I've gotta try *something,* you know?

I did like the idea of cross-training, so I think I'm going to alternate every other day jogging and then something else (yoga, pilates, tennis, aerobic video, DDR, what-have-you). That'll keep it fresh, and improve my stamina in multiple ways instead of just one way.

I am also going to write down my food diary, not allowing myself to go to bed until I have at least written down everything I have eaten that day, and only allow Friday night to be my splurge meal. Friday night is date night. I look forward all week to Friday night. This means Sunday afternoon and Phil's family are just gonna have to get over it.

Somehow I knew that I would go through periods of success and failure once school started. The days are sporadic and my emotions are off the chart and exhaustion has begun to creep into my very bones. But this is important to me, and I know that I must make it routine in order for it to work for me. And, I figure as long as I still care, then I am not lost. As my mother once told me, "It's once you stop caring that you get in trouble."

So, I have a jogging date. This afternoon at 4:00. This is Jogging Time. Today is a new day. Yesterday's "sin"amon rolls are in the past, as well as the hurtful look. If I keep at it, this Auburn will be in the past one day, too.

I'm doing it for myself, because I think Future Auburn is worth it.

Posted in: cinnamon rolls, cross-training, hurtful looks, jogging, recommitment on at at 11:11 AM 4 comments  

Hello, hello! I am proud to announce that I received my very first award here in blogland this weekend, and I am so proud! Tammy awarded me the Honest Scrap award (now displayed proudly in my sidebar). The Honest Scrap award is given for "honesty and sincerity in blogging," according to my google search. So, I am all the more honored!

The rules for receiving the Honest Scrap award is that I must share ten interesting things about myself that y'all might not otherwise know. So, I'm totally gonna cheat and share a list that someone asked me to write of 25 random things about myself from one of those Facebook notes of yore. Some of it y'all know and some of it you don't, so just sit back and enjoy either way:

1. I collect carosel horses and coins. Actually, Phil and I spend every New Year's Day rolling all the coins that we accumulated in the past year. It is sacriledge to spend change.

2. I love new markers, and am a marker junkie.

3. When I was little, I thought it was a law that you had to color in coloring books from the first page to the last, not skipping any until the previous one was colored. Because of this, I often never got to the picture that I wanted most to color.

4. Speaking of law, when I was in first grade, I visited the Mammoth Cave National Park (though I didn't go inside Mammoth Cave ... long story). Anyway, I picked a couple of really pretty purple flowers, and then I found out a couple of months later that it was illegal to pick flowers at Mammoth Cave. I was terrified of cops for years, just *sure* that they knew I picked those flowers. I would duck down in the car seat if I saw one on the road.

5. I was freakishly tall as a child. In my kindergarten class picture, I look like I flunked kindergarten multiple times because I was literally head-and-shoulders above all the other kids. Later, I was taller than my 4th grade teacher, even. I really didn't feel comfortable with my height until college, and especially after I started dating Phil. (I am 5'11", and he is 6'2") It's so nice having a husband who considers me to be short ... er.

6. I am quite clumsy, but I don't think I was always this way. Maybe I was.

7. In my opinion, the two most abominable foods in the world are pineapple and coconut. Couple this with the fact that I cannot swim and I burn horribly and have a monstrous appetite, I would make a poor candidate for the show Survivor.

8. I was born with red hair, and then it turned blonde and curly, and then when I was about 11 it turned brown and straight. Now some of the red is sneaking back in again.

9. As much as I hate to say it, I hate to clean. I just really wish I liked it.

10. I really only drink coffee, water, and milk. Out of these things, the one I drink the most is milk. The milk MUST be skim -- anything thicker is just gross!!

11. I never even got asked out until I was in college.

12. I didn't go to prom. I wish now that I could have the opportunity to have a prom-ish experience (we didn't do any dancing at our wedding), but I still would not have gone to my prom.

13. I love to teach, but I do not like being a teacher. I wish I could have class and none of the rest of the junk.

14. I hurt my lower back playing tennis in college. It has drastically changed my life. Some days I can hardly walk, and it's all I can do to put on my shoes.

15. When I was in 8th grade I had jaw surgery because I had a severe overbite, and my jaw bone was rubbing against my skull and they were both deteriorating. They broke my lower jaw on both sides and I have a metal plate and four screws at both breaks. I was told that only a handful of people in the world have the specifc type of plate and screws in their jaw that I have! I was also the youngest client my surgeon had ever had.

16. My genuine hope in life is to be remembered fondly by all who have known me. Because of this, I try to be as friendly and helpful as possible. I hope I've done a good job!!

17. I used to spend my summers living with my grandparents in Arkansas so that I would have access to art lessons with a fantasic artist named Lois Hulse. I consider her to be the best art teacher I ever had. I hope maybe one day I can teach classes like Lois had.

18. My favorite color is blue. When I play games with my students, I always let them take the game piece color that they want first, and I'll take whatever I think no one will want. When my sixth graders found this out, they now always leave me the blue piece, despite my protests. I think this is one of the sweetest gestures in the world.

19. My first car was named Vincent can Gogh. (tee-hee!) My car now is named Claude Monet ... because he cost me a lot of mo-ney.

20. I hate wearing hats of any capacity.

21. My ears are not pierced. I have a pretty impressive collection of clip-on earrings -- thank you, Claire's and Cato!!

22. Even though I am right-handed, I wear my watch on my right wrist. I found out a couple of weeks ago on America's Most Wanted that this is abnormal of a right-handed person. That made me feel really weird.

23. I am cold natured ... VERY cold natured.

24. I didn't want to get my driver's license when I was 16 because I do not like to drive. I am a very nervous driver. And my job calls for a *lot* of driving. Stress!!

25. I love to sing, and I'm told all the time at church and such that I'm pretty good, but I hate to perform.

Okay, now that that's over, I have to do the second part of my Scrapper duty -- pick 10 blogs to also receive the award! I have never done this before, and I am excited to announce that all the blogs that I read are nominees ... but sadly, for now, there can only be 10 winners. Drumroll, please... they are ... (in no particular order) ...

1. Sharon at The Incredible Shrinking Sharon

2. Tammy at From Fat to Fab

3. Amy at The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom

4. Jack at Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit

5. Jenn at Watch My Butt Shrink

6. Karen at *FITCETERA*

7. Zaa at Zaababy -- The Incredible Shrinking Woman

8. Meg at Operation "Sexy Meggy"

9. Shauna at Veggie Tales

10. Katie at The Skinny on Getting Skinny

All rightie! Winners, feel free to steal my pic to post on your blog, since I stole it from Tammy who gave it to me. :) And I look forward to your "ten things," as well!

Much love for all the support! :)

Posted in: Honest Scrap on Saturday, September 26, 2009 at at 7:44 PM 7 comments  

I feel curiously optimistic about the next couple of days, even though they are going to be non-rountine:

~ I am actually "packing" (while blogging? *cough*) to go to a trip to a statewide gifted education conference. I will have to eat out and/or eat what is provided at the conference, but last year the food was very fancy ... and with tiny portions. And last year I also worked out at the conference, and I felt very proud of myself. I'd like to do that again this year. No temptation to snack. Feelin' pretty good about this.

~ Friday night Phil and I are gonna camp at our house site. There's nothing quite like waking up there. It's home. :)

~ Saturday morning we're going to see our HOUSE PLANS as drawn up by the architect based on what we want!! I am so excited, I could just about turn inside-out!!!

On the downside, I am nervous about seeing some of the people at the gifted ed. conference this year. I made a few friends last year, and I'm sure that they will notice that I weigh almost 50 pounds more than the last time they saw me. I feel shame and humiliation about that. I know that they won't say anything to my face, but I also know that they can't help but think something, perhaps say something to others. It's embarrassing. But, I keep telling myself that even though we are just a little more than acquaintances, if they are truly my friends then they won't really hold this against me. I *am* working on it.

I have also been distracted because there has been something tugging on my heartstrings ever since our cattle sale a couple of weeks ago. There was a pitiful little pony that was at the stockyards. Her mane and tail are all matted with burrs, and she is just in a pen that is full of weeds. I can't get her out of my mind. It's fairly obvious that no one wants her. I've been going over to visit her during my exercise time and giving her apples. She is very shy, but she is starting to warm up to me. She never wants me to go, even though when I'm there she acts like she doesn't really know what to do about me. I think she could be a real pet, and it's been a lifelong dream of mine to have a horse (or a pony, as the case may be). I've named her Esther, because if I get her, she'll have to endure 6 months of beauty treatments. Phil has promised to look into it, but I don't think he understands why I want to have her. It's hard for me to explain myself. I just know that, somehow, we need each other.

Here she is. What do you think? Isn't she doggone pitiful??

Posted in: distractions on Thursday, September 24, 2009 at at 8:42 AM 3 comments  

My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize for my post yesterday. It was not pleasant to write, nor, I am sure, was it pleasant to read. But I knew I had to do it. It was the thoughts that I had been hiding from everyone except myself, and I just had to ... well ... as I said ... vomit them out. And ... well, have you ever had a time when you *did* upchuck after fighting it so long, and after you did you felt worlds better? That's how I felt yesterday. I got all those sick thoughts out of me by ralphing all over my blog. And I *am* sorry for doing it, but just as I can be sick to my stomach, depression is a sickness too, and I'm doing my best to get well.

After I wrote that blog I felt a lot better, like I didn't have to keep thinking those thoughts because they were now written down ... almost like I had been afraid I would forget them. And I felt better than I had in days. It was like I had mentally fell down, and now I could officially pick myself back up and dust myself off and reassess where I am. And, you know, something else occurred to me, too.

I was wondering about why I feel like my life has gone wrong. It occurred to me that I have felt a loss of control in my life ever since about 6 months after Phil and I got married. Don't get me wrong -- I love Phil and my marriage is wonderful. It was just about 6 months after I got married that I realized that I wasn't going to be able to get money as an artist, and I had to get more creative with my life in order to get a paycheck. That made me feel uneasy, unsteady, and unreliable. Sometimes I had a good job, and sometimes I didn't (that's the way the subbing world goes). But even after I got my job, I knew instantly that this isn't what I want to do with my life, but in order to get the money I was shunted down this path. Loss of control.

I also realized that I feel a loss of control because we have not made steps toward getting our house built. As a starter home, we got a trailer for a great deal ($3000 -- priced to move!!), which sure beat the socks off of an apartment. And again, don't get me wrong, because in many ways living in this trailer has been sweet and endearing ... But I hate this stinkin' trailer, and I hate the stigma of living in a trailer, and I'm ready to live in my HOUSE instead of this glorified hand-me-down cardboard box. My husband has been less than motivated to get to work on the house, and anxiety has created a chokehold on me. I don't nag -- that's just not me. So I've waited. Loss of control.

As a quiet rebellion, though, I let my home get into a sad state of disarray. Well, actually, that's not true. It's gotten into a state of disarray for several reasons:
1) a quiet rebellion
2) Phil is extremely particular about his personal things and he gripes and mopes (sometimes for days) if I clean up after him, claiming he can't find anything. Over time, I gave up, and we had, as they call, a Mexican Standoff about the tidiness of the house
3) I'm tired when I get home from work and sometimes it's all I can do to make supper, let alone clean afterwards
4) The weekends are out because Phil wants me to come to the farm with him on Saturdays instead of clean (which I love coming to the farm, but it just wears me out, too), and cleaning on Sundays is out because we live too far away from our church to attend both services AND come home inbetween.
5) Even if I DO clean, it's still a nasty, moldy, falling-apart trailer from the late 1970's, and no amount of cleaning will ever make it feel *clean.*
5) Possibly the most important of all ... I hate cleaning, especially anything bathroom and/or sink related. Makes me gag. Ugh! I don't even like THINKING about it!!!
So, the long and short of it is that the house is an absolute pigsty, and Phil and I have argued more about the state of the house than ANYTHING else in our marriage. But when I walk into the house and there is stuff everywhere and not enough room to put it in because we are crammed into this little box, holding on to stuff that is supposed to fit inside our HOUSE that I don't even know where to begin. Loss of control.

Loss of control. Loss of control. Loss of control.

But eating?

I can dominate food. Easily.

I have made food my bitch in order to be in control of something.

If I haven't been happy, and I feel like I don't have a grip on anything, I can ravage the cupboard and show it who's boss. Nothing can hide from me. Nothing is safe from me. I can easily manipulate it to make it something that appeals to me. I can combine several ingrediants to create something that is delectably phenomenal. I can bend it to my will.

This was quite eye-opening for me.

And then I realized that even though I have used food to try to be in control of something, I have instead ended up out of control with yet another thing. Sad.

Well, after this epiphany, everything started coming up Auburn. Phil actually called me and told me to set up an appointment with the log home company, that he wanted to swing by tomorrow (which is today!!!) and show them our tentative plans ... and that maybe over my fall break we can look into home loans, and possibly break ground at the beginning of next year!!!!!!!!! It was answered prayer!!!!!!! Actually, as I'm typing this, he is probably there right now, and I CANNOT WAIT to know what happened!!!!!!!!

Then, I went to the grocery store and got the shopping done for the week (which, typically, in and of itself is a pretty big accomplishment for me), and I bought a Swiffer mop while I was there. Mops with buckets remind me too much of bathroom cleaning nastiness, so I have mopped maybe five times since we've lived here, I am ashamed to say. Well, I got the mop, and as soon as I got home, I mopped the floor. I felt so proud of myself! It felt so good to be clean. And then I did a load of laundry and completely cleaned up the kitchen and was so proud I was about fit to burst. I felt a satisfying feeling of control ... and I was actually BURNING calories!!

And to top it off, one of my co-workers loaned me a couple of exercise videos on Yoga, and I tried one of them out last night (featuring Bob from The Biggest Loser). It kicked my butt -- I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was -- but I felt so GOOD and RELAXED afterwards! I felt calm and in control. My house was clean(er), I had exercised, I had stayed within my fat grams for the day, and Phil had an appointment to get the ball rolling on our HOUSE!

And let me just say that y'all's comments yesterday were so sweet. I think I also felt calm because, even though I succumbed to the feelings and let it all out there, you guys stuck by me and still accepted me. That was very comforting, too. I have the best readers. :) You guys mean the world to me.

And as for now, I've gotta be running to my next class. I'll let you know about house developments!!!!!!

Posted in: control, house plans, loss of control, yoga on Tuesday, September 22, 2009 at at 8:24 AM 1 comments  

**WARNING: The following may make the score: Auburn, 1, Depression, 1. But I've gotta get this out of my system**

The past couple of weeks have been weeks of self-loathing. As much as I have tried to fight these thoughts, they keep swirling in my head, and I've just got to vomit them up here, like poison. I just can't hold it in any longer.

I think I sometimes hate the person I have become. I had dreams ... and goals ... and my whole life was mapped out in front of me. It was so easy; it was only a matter of getting there. I'm not sure where things went wrong ... I only know that they have. And I beat myself up for it.

I hate the girl that I see in the mirror. I used to love to have pictures taken of me. I used to love to go clothes shopping. Now I wear clothes that fit and don't even care if they match. I cannot wait for the winter to come so that I may wear thick ridiculous clothes and hide myself. I want to disappear. I want to hide so that no one will see me.

If I was to turn into an animal today, I think I would be a mouse. Too timid, too shy to take charge of my own life. Abhorred by everyone, I scurry around in a mad dash of pseudo-productivity. I steal any dirty little tasty tidbit I can come across and hide in dark shadows, munching alone. My sole purpose in life is apparently to pack on the pounds and to hide from everyone, including myself.

I want to lose weight, and I've been trying to lose weight, but something is wrong. It's not coming off. I have let that voice inside of me tell me that I'm doomed, that I can't fix this. I've been trapped into too many social obligations where I must eat fattening food, and as I wolf it down as fast as I can so that it's over, I hear a husky whisper inside my head chortling, "Go on, you fat pig. Keep it up. It's what you deserve."

Panic.

Anxiety.

Fear.

Dejection.

Lonliness.

And I eat. And I eat. And I eat. Trying to fill that hole in my heart. That hole eaten away by cancerous thoughts.

I find myself recoiling from success stories, angry and bitter ... at myself, I guess. I want to work hard and lose 4 pounds in a week, too! I want to work hard all week and then blow it for an afternoon and still lose 2 pounds, too! I want to be like my sister-in-law whom I sat next to in church yesterday, who looks so healthy and beautiful in an effortless manner -- I think the diameter of both of her thighs maybe equaled the diameter of one of mine. I hated myself for it. I want to succeed! I'm so ANGRY at myself for not succeeding! But I don't know what to do!

I feel so pitifully alone and like the fattest person I know. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to live life. I feel trapped.

I have a memory that has floated to the top of my mind for the last several days. There was a cow that Phil and I used to have named Smut. Smut accidentally fell in a ditch and her head was downhill (meaning that all the blood rushed to her head); she couldn't get up by herself and was stuck for a couple of days before we found her. Even though she was still alive, she had already started to bloat up, like dead animals will do. After my husband and I dragged her out into the field, Phil grabbed all of our needles out of the truck (that we use to administer shots to the cows) and stuck the needle-ends into her side. Then, he and I pushed all of the air out of her stomach, slowly and meticulously, through the needles. The smell was awful (for, she had literally been rotting inside while she was still alive), but she almost reduced her size by half. I wish it was that easy, that someone would stick a whole bunch of needles in me and push out all of my extra weight. (Incidentally, two days later, Smut was still alive, but she was seizuring on the ground and in tremendous pain, having never been able to get back up, and she was the first cow Phil ever had to put down.) Sometimes I feel as sick as Smut was, and yet, just like Smut, I've done it to myself.

Guilt.

Pain.

Anger.

Shame.

I can't give up. I won't give up. But when will it end? How do I fix this? If I could just see a loss, I wouldn't feel such hopelessness. I must be patient and give it time. I must adhere to my food diary.

I seriously need help.

Please help me.

Posted in: self-loathing on Monday, September 21, 2009 at at 11:48 AM 4 comments  

Hello, all! I'm still here! I have been uber-busy ... trying not to let the stress get to me! Sometimes, when you're so busy, you have to let things slide, and I have let my blog slide. But here I am, and thank goodness it's Friday! Am I right?!?

Okay, several updates:

~ Last night I speed-walked for 30 minutes with intermitant pickups. This means that I go from walking at a pace that is challenging but I can still talk to a pace that is really pushing it for minute bursts. I didn't think that this would be too bad, but dang yo! I am sore in my boutwa and in the backs of my thighs today!! Must've been doing more than I thought! As for my stats, it took me 40:00 (with a 5 minute warm-up and a 5 minute cool-down), I went 1.874 miles, and I burned 234 calories.

~ Last night we also came out of the Dark Ages here at our house and upgraded to High Speed Internet. I am so flippin' excited! I immediately watched a video on YouTube because I stinkin' COULD. Fair thee well, Dial-up. :)

~ Tonight, Phil and I are going to the State Fair. There have been reports on the news that this may be the last State Fair we will ever have; attendance has been declining over the past several years and they will probably sell the fairgrounds after this year. So we're gonna go experience it and say goodbye, I guess. We've never been to the Fair together before, so it's a whole new type of date for us. Mostly we're going to see the animal exhibits ... neither of us do carnival rides.

Umm ... I feel like there's more, but I guess that's it for now. Phil and I bought a heifer at last week's auction, and I named her Pretty Lady, as in "Hey, Pretty Lady won'tcha gimme a sign / I'd give anything to make you mine o' mine." (Brownie Points to you if you can Name That Tune!)

All right, if I think of anything more, I'll add it. Thanks, friends! :)

Posted in: high speed internet, speed-walked, State Fair on Friday, September 18, 2009 at at 8:45 AM 1 comments  

When I realized that I was truly worried about the calorie and fat gram content in dove meat, since it is what I'm having for supper.

Wonder if getting one with shot still in it adds any extra calories ... ?

Posted in: dove meat, redneck on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at at 6:12 PM 4 comments  

Okay, as Sharon would say, here are my wins and fails:

Bad news first: fails ... my eating has totally been out of control. I have been fighting the anxiety and fear with the decisions that must be made about school. I am thinking about transferring schools, and I dread all the extra work, and I worry about the money, and I don't want to get a degree in something that I don't want to do, but if I don't go back to school, then I can't keep my job ... *pant pant pant* And I caved and ate something bad. And then I was like, well, I've already blown it today, what about eating *this* thing ... and then I eat more and more. And then the next day came, and it was like, well, I screwed myself over yesterday, it's still the weekend, so what did I do? Screwed myself over again is what I did. Yes. Weakness sucks. Now it's getting back on the wagon.

(Oh, there were so many cheeseburgers and barbeque to be had.... *shudders*)

But, I paid for my sins, because last night I got an acute case of food poisoning, and was ill today. I repented many times over. And Amy suggested that I read a book called Running for Mortals, and since I lost all of my running stamina when I got my sinus infection, I decided to take their running program to heart.

Wins: Even though I wasn't the best today, I still went to work, and even had my first IEP meeting that needed an interpreter. Interesting! And I did my exercising tonight. I speed-walked (or is it sped-walked?) for thirty minutes, and walked for five minutes at a slower pace afterwards. I stretched for about 10 minutes after that. Felt pretty good.

I want that mile, but I've gotta do it the slow, smart way.

Posted in: on Monday, September 14, 2009 at at 9:46 PM 4 comments  

So my husband's side of the family is having a cattle sale to thin down the numbers of our herd ... and to, let's face it, bring in some cash. We have registered Hereford (pronounced "Her-ferd," at least 'round these parts) cattle, and they look like this:

Posted in: barbeque, cattle sale, hamburger, Hereford on Friday, September 11, 2009 at at 8:25 PM 4 comments  

Thank you, friends, for your kind words. I do not know if I am *cough* "gorgeous," but I do think of that picture as haunting. That girl is like a ghost ... but ... well ....

I have several things that I want to say tonight, several thoughts swirling through my head, but you know ... I won't. For two reasons:

1) Straight-up confession: I realized that I haven't been taking my anti-depression medication since Saturday night, and I don't think that my thoughts are fair. But I got the prescription refilled, give it a couple of days to kick back in and to regroup my thoughts, and then if I still feel this way, then I'll share.

2) This place is my Mental Safe Zone, and something inside me is just fighting against these thoughts. Something is telling me not to share. Tonight is not the time to be negative. Instead, I'm gonna think of something positive, because I really think it's more of what I need tonight.

So ... hmmm ... something good ....

Well, I was really good on my diet today. I only ate about 25 fat grams (I've written down all of my food and have a rough approximation, but I haven't made the final tally yet), and I jogged tonight for 1:30, and walked for 3. I went 2.098 miles, burned 348 calories, and it took me 48:00.

A really good thought ...

My students have been so awesome these past few days. I just love my kids. I don't guess I told you guys, but last Tuesday when I was so sick and I called in a sick day, I had to cancel a couple of my classes. The principal accidentally forgot to announce that the class was cancelled at one of my schools, and several of my students showed up for class. Well, 10 minutes into class and I still wasn't there, so one of my students called me at home to see if I was coming. This student, named Austin, is a senior in high school and kind of a hell-raiser, but he connects to me for some reason. He would be the kind of kid that would typically be THRILLED if his teacher didn't come to class. But there he was, on the phone, sounding all pitiful, and just said, "Are you coming to class today?" And I was like, "Oh, no, Austin, didn't the principal make the announcement?" And he responded with, "No. Why do you sound like a dude? You sick?" And I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've got a sinus infection. Can't come in today." And he said, "Okay. We were asked by the guidance counselor to help out with something, so we can do that to stay outta class" (see, what'd I tell ya? Hellraiser.) "but I hope you get to feeling better soon."

After I hung up, I realized how extraordinary that phonecall was. How many students call their teachers WANTING them to come to class? I tell you what, I've truly got the best students in the world.

And with that thought, and a smile on my face, I'm gonna call it a night, and go get my shower, and go to sleep.

Posted in: good thoughts on Wednesday, September 9, 2009 at at 9:27 PM 2 comments  

Short post. Feeling tired.

I was on track with my diet again today, and I just finished my jog. My stats were almost exactly the same as last night.

I was on the treadmill, and I just wasn't feeling it tonight. I just wanted to sit down and not think. And, for a second, I did. And then a picture floated into my head that made me get back up.

It was a photo of me my senior year of high school. In my mind, I think I still look like that girl. Sometimes I'm even shocked when I look in the mirror and she's not there, there's just this imposter who isn't as pretty. But if I worked hard at it, I could look like her again. I mean, heck, that wasn't even ten years ago! So I got my body back up on its feet, every single pound of what felt like lead, and finished the jog. I just kept thinking of her. I want to be her again.

To Auburn:

Posted in: senior picture on Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at at 9:50 PM 5 comments  

Back to jogging once again! I feel like crap, but I got it done. So much mucus! I'm just sick of being sick ... rebelling!! It was tiring, but it felt good to be moving again.

And the diet was on-track today, and that felt good, too. I bought a journal today to write down what I'm eating and to tally it all up. I have learned something about myself in the past couple of years: if I don't make it pretty, then I don't do it. (Perhaps it's the artist in me screaming to express itself!) You guys should see my lesson plan book; it's a freakin' work of art! :D The other teachers make fun of me, but I just know that if I didn't have a whole bunch of markers and pretty gel pens in order to jazz up the mundane, I find that I won't do it at all. So I had to get a new journal at the store today to excite myself about keeping up my food journal again. It has a kitty on the cover with its head tilted to the side, and I wrote a speech bubble beside its head that says, "Wow! You've lost HOW much?!?" (Yeah. I'm a nerd.) I've already made the first entry pretty; makes me proud ... especially the big blue letters at the bottom of the page that say "GOAL COMPLETED"!

For my stats, I jogged for 1 minute, walked for 2. I burned 343 calores, went 2.064 calories, and it took me 47:00. I also ate 27.5 fat grams today, and 1606 calories. Not bad, my friends!

The future scares me, but I'm trying not to let it *scare* me. Having a little control over the situation feels good. I can control my destiny.

That feels good to say. :)

Posted in: beautification, dieting, food journal, jogging on Monday, September 7, 2009 at at 9:14 PM 2 comments  

Okay. Enough is enough. The diet is back on.

Back before I got this very stressful job, I was on a diet. I lost almost 50 pounds in six months. I was very proud of myself. I felt like I could accomplish anything if I set my mind to it.

Then I got this job and suddenly I had no time to do anything. I was working AND going to school, and I was literally going crazy. I sobbed in my sleep. I became very erratic. I had so many things being demanded of me, it was just too hard to keep writing down what I ate. Often, I was eating and doing something else. Never a good sign.

But, I thought I was invincible. I had lost almost 50 pounds. I wouldn't go back. I had been strong, my body had changed. I was naive.

So, over time, I loosened up on my eating. I gave myself reward treats to make myself feel better for all the work I was doing. I had a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I found was temporarily relieved if I was eating. I was hardly sleeping at night, trying to get everything done, and waking up before 5 to go to work the next day, and I also found that eating helped to keep me awake. Eventually, it wasn't so much what I could eat that was HEALTHY, it was what I could eat that was FAST. Sometimes I fell asleep immediately after eating supper ... yes, at 6:30 or 7:00 at night, only to be waken up by my husband so that I could go finish my homework.

All very bad signs, my friends.

Needless to say, here I am again at the weight before I even started, with a few extra pounds to boot, and I feel that despair creeping in again.

I am fearful because I know that anytime soon I need to call up my college and start school again, or else I won't be able to be hired again for next year (I have to show proof that I have taken college courses every school year in order to renew my temporary teaching license). I am handling the stress okay for now, but when that starts ... what then? I feel pre-emptive despair, and I can't let that happen. I will be jogging but if I don't change, I will also be eating enough for two or three people, and jogging just can't negate that.

And, after wallowing around for a week eating junk and not exercising ... I just *feel* fat. I feel weak. I feel ... inadequate. I hate feeling like that.

So, time to nip it in the bud. I'm keeping a food diary again. Gonna eat 30 fat grams or less per day. Gonna stick to it. Gonna start jogging again, now that I can finally breathe (though still not 100%).

Today it begins.

Sometimes it is not necessarily the changing that is important, but it is the courage it takes to begin the change.

I can't let it beat me. I must strike first.

Perhaps today is not Labor Day at all, but rather Independence Day.

Posted in: dieting on at at 1:19 PM 1 comments  

... I ate a whole pan of muffins because they were the only thing to keep my stomach from lurching from all of the infected mucus I had inadvertantly swallowed.

... I played video games until I got dizzy, literally, and then I'd go to bed, and I'd sleep until I got too ansty, and then I'd go play video games. Lather, rinse, repeat. I felt like such a mooching-bum teenager ... and it was even a game I've played before. Yeah. I'm a loser.

... I gave myself a french manicure, and it looked beautiful, until I sneezed and smudged a couple of my fingernails before they were almost dry.

... the weather was PERFECT outside and I got such cabin fever that I took a lawn chair out into Lola's pen and I threw a tennis ball to her. She has seriously improved on her fetching skills! But I was only able to last for about 20 minutes until I was exhausted and feverish again.

Plus side? (Um .... or .... rather .... "Positive" side *ahem*):

... Today I am feeling much better and I went back to work, and even worked overtime. (Even though I'm now beat!!) Thank goodness for Z-pack antibiotics!!

... I was so proud of my Lil' Lola, because she used to be very fearful of harsh voices, even if they were saying nice things, and a year ago she would've cowered at my cold-in-the-chest-induced-man-voice. However, she didn't even flinch, and she would fetch the ball and come lay her head in my lap for pettin's after every retrieval. It was like she knew I was doing the best I could and she was just happy to aim to please.

... I stepped on the scale today, and peeked through my fingers, fearful of all the bad food I have eaten over the past few days just to keep the room from spinning ... and it said I lost three pounds! It may be wrong, and it may be right, but at least, if it was fibbing, it was fibbing the *right* way!! At least it was a little of an ego boost. :)

Soon I feel like I will be good enough to get back on that treadmill tomorrow, even if it's just a gentle walk. But I thought I'd update y'all and let you know that I'm still here. I have ALSO been reading up on y'all's blogs, and let me just say that I have become associated with a fine, inspiring group of people!! I feel like I'm so far behind you guys, but I will catch up!! And I feel so honored that you check in with me and are cheering for me! Take heart, friends! The Quest may be on hiatus, but it won't be long now until the Journey is underway again!!

Thanks, everybody. Your comments mean so much to me!!! :)

Posted in: fetching, muffins, sinus infections, weight loss on Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at at 6:42 PM 4 comments  

The dern cold turned into a sinus infection. I get one or two of these a year. Darn it! But I called in today sick, and I've gotten the doctor to phone me in some antibiotics, and I've got a sweet husband who is doing all he can to help me out around the house and to make me feel better.

But, while I've been wallowing around struggling to breathe through my nose, I've been wondering about infections. Did you know that when you look up "infection" in the dictionary (or on-line at www.m-w.com, since I am a nerd), the VERY FIRST definition of "infection" is: " the act or result of affecting injuriously." (Go ahead. Look it up.)

So, could bad thinking/bad thoughts/depression be, literally, an infection of the mind?

Could excess weight be considered an infection of the body?

Perhaps I have been infected for a long time, but instead of turning to anyone for help, I just sat and saturated in my own infections. And, you know, if infections are left untreated, anybody knows that they will eventually consume you, even until the point of death.

Scary. Thank goodness for jogging, and blogging, and medicine!

And now, I must go back to bed. Too much profound thinking in a mucousy head is dangerous, too.

Posted in: infection on Monday, August 31, 2009 at at 1:24 PM 5 comments  

The bane of going to eight different schools this week? You get exposed to the entire county's germs, no matter how much hand-washing you do!

And so I woke up sick today. Sore throat, fever.

We have been warned this school year that if we exhibit a) a fever, and/or either b) a cough or c) a sore throat, we are supposed to stay home for five to seven days. FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS?!? This is because of the H1N1 Virus, which is the stupidest name ever (and yes, when you are sick, "stupidest" is a word), so I will call it by its real name: Swine Flu.

Well, I KNOW I do not have Swine Flu -- I think I've had enough colds in my life to be able to tell the difference -- and I'm certainly not going to stay home for an entire week. Call me a rebel.

But as for today, lotsa liquids and resting. Gonna catch up on my Steven King book (an oldie called "Needful Things," which I've never read before). First headaches and now colds. Yes, the school year has begun.

Good news? Yesterday, when I wore my jeans on Casual Friday, I had to use the next tightest beltloop than I've ever had to use before. Maybe the successes aren't all in my head, despite the scale disagreeing with me.

Peace out, my friend. Thanks for dropping by. Next time bring some Chicken Soup. :)

Posted in: chicken soup, colds, Steven King, Swine Flu on Saturday, August 29, 2009 at at 9:27 AM 0 comments  

Thank you all for your kind comments on my blog yesterday. I think yesterday was kind of a breakthrough for me.

It has made me wonder why I am so fearful of this journey. Why does the idea of jogging for any greater increase in minutes scare me? That just doesn't make any sense ... it's what I want. I want to be able to jog and jog and be able to feel like I could jog forever. I have heard it is a wonderful, powerful feeling. But the idea of jogging 3:30, 4:00, 7:00 ... and 15:00??? What?!? I feel a panic deep in my stomach at the idea. But why??

It feels like I AM running, but not in the right kind of way. I'm running away from running ... ? Now, Auburn, that just doesn't make sense, girlie.

When I am actually jogging, all the worries of the world, of my job, of everything, slips from my mind momentarily. I just think of putting one foot in front of the other ... and only thinking about that slow-moving clock on the display screen. :)

But then I dread the next jog. I fear that I won't be able to do it. Why? Why do you do that, Auburn? So what if you can't jog for three minutes or whatever! Bet you could tomorrow, so just try today.

I feel like a fricken dual personality, and one half of my personality is a real Debbie Downer. And I feel like I keep grabbing her by the shoulders and keep giving her a good shake, and she just keeps moaning and crying about stuff.

Sorry for all the talking out loud. I am hoping that I will have an epiphany ... but not yet ...

So, for my stats tonight, as promised, I jogged 3:05, walked for 6. I went 2.200 miles, burned 362 calories, and it took me 51:00.

So... there may not be a jog tomorrow. I'm pulling a 12 hour day (7:00-7:00). Goodie. Yay for Open Houses! Blegh.

So ... if anyone can shed some light on my duality, I'd appreciate it. I don't want to be scared of the Mile.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." But he never had to run a mile.

Tacky, tacky.

Posted in: Debbie Downer, dual personality, FDR, fear on Wednesday, August 26, 2009 at at 9:15 PM 3 comments  

I'm not going to lie to you. So here it is.

I woke up today, in that dark accursed hour that I had to get up to get to class on time and these were my first thoughts of the day.

I thought, "I can't run anymore. I'm too far gone. I haven't even jogged in three days, and it's not doing anything." I felt very conscious of my weight, every single pound of it.

I thought, "Everything that you THINK jogging has done ... the looser pants, the decrease in cellulite, the toning in the legs, the decrease of back folds ... they are all in your head. You have no proof. The scale says that you are stuck here. You think you are winning, but one day when you are brave enough to face the scale again, you will realize that you are not."

I thought, "It was a nice little diversion for a while, but we know the truth now. The tissue thin house of cards has fallen, your mighty fortress that you built to protect you from your past and to have a lookout for the future. It was nothing. You are nothing. You can't do this."

And I sat on the couch in my pajamas and cried, alone except for the hollow glare of the TV.

Part of me gave up.

Honestly, part of me ... a pretty large part of me ... decided the jogging days were over.

But another part of me, a thin little flame hardly bigger than a wisp of smoke, whispered, "Well, will giving up fix anything? Will giving up make the successes, real or imagined, continue?"

Pause.

"Will giving up let you be able to look back one day, even if you keep gaining and get to be three hundred pounds or more ... will giving up let you have the satisfying feeling of knowing that at least you TRIED, at least you knew you gave it all you had? Won't running allow you to at least look those judgmental people in the eye because you know that you didn't give up on you?"

I still wasn't wholly convinced. But then, in an odd sequence of events, I was able to check my blog before I left for work, and there were two sentences which were commented on my last blog which stuck with me all day:

Amy: "Good luck on the run." (Notice ... even though I didn't think you meant to say it this way, Amy, you weren't asking if there was going to BE a run. Which, actually, was just what I needed to hear.)

Maggie: "You're a great person, did you know that?"

And you know what? I had forgotten that, Maggie. Giving up on myself was letting that great person down, because it wasn't giving her a chance to shine. I had to give myself a chance to show myself what I can do!!

And so ... this afternoon ... I FRIGGING JOGGED the FRIGGING THREE MINUTE MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what?? It wasn't so bad!!!

After I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror as I was standing on the treadmill and I looked dead in my eyes and said, "You did it! Three minutes!" And I cried, right there. Because I think the bad talk this morning was fear ... a fear of failure.

So here I am, sitting here at this computer, sweating and crying and just trying to understand all of these convoluted emotions. Such joy and such fear. But, also ... pride.

And I know I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, but you guys cannot know ... CANNOT know ... how much your comments mean to me.

My stats: I jogged for THREE MINUTES, walked for 6. I went 2.200 miles, burned 362 calories, and it took me 51:00.

Sitting here, I am remembering that I took up jogging for two reasons: 1) to battle weight loss, and 2) to battle depression. Well, this was the first real Round One with Depression, and I think I can chalk this one up as: Auburn, 1. Depression, 0. :)

And you know what else? I'm feeling so good, I think I might walk later on tonight. And I'm gonna jog THREE OH FIVE tomorrow!

So, High Fives all around! The Mile is in sight!!

Posted in: bad thoughts, comments, giving up, overcoming on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at at 5:45 PM 4 comments  

Okay, so I'm going to tell you about Lola's afternoon yesterday. She had a big day!

Posted in: Lola, the greenway on Monday, August 24, 2009 at at 4:11 PM 2 comments  

Okay, in a brief period of lucidity, I thought I'd drop y'all a line ... let you know I've been leveled by my own brain. Stupid brainpower! Haha. Yeah, that's a weak joke. Maybe it's not lucidity after all.

Got a migraine last night. Phil was gonna take me out to eat. We were actually on our way to the restaurant and I said, "Maybe we ought to turn around" and proceeded to try to NOT empty the contents of my stomach in his car. I had a dull headache all day yesterday and it just amped up the volume startlingly fast. I collapsed on the bed like a sack of potatoes. I briefly remember Phil taking my shoes off.

Woke up with it today. Not as bad as last night but not dull, either. Today was a day of fasting and moving veeerrrrryyy sllllooooowllllyyy. Having times when I'm feeling pretty good and times when every noise and every source of light is almost unbearable. Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold. Meh.

Phil is on his way home. Oh thank goodness for the Renewer of Cool Rags Upon the Forehead!

No jog. No walking. But no vomiting, and no crawling. We must be proud of accomplishments on a sliding scale.

Okay, so that's where I am. In bed dreaming of the three minutes, and feeling a little angry at myself even though it's not my fault, really. At least it happened on a weekend, right? And not during the school week? Hate to cancel on my kids.

Time to go get horizontal again. This sitting at the computer is wearing me out.

Blegh. Maybe I'll sleep it off tonight ... ? Here's to hoping! Hate to cancel on my Sunday School class of kiddos, too.

Blegh.

Posted in: migraines on Saturday, August 22, 2009 at at 7:50 PM 4 comments