The Quest for a Mile

My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize for my post yesterday. It was not pleasant to write, nor, I am sure, was it pleasant to read. But I knew I had to do it. It was the thoughts that I had been hiding from everyone except myself, and I just had to ... well ... as I said ... vomit them out. And ... well, have you ever had a time when you *did* upchuck after fighting it so long, and after you did you felt worlds better? That's how I felt yesterday. I got all those sick thoughts out of me by ralphing all over my blog. And I *am* sorry for doing it, but just as I can be sick to my stomach, depression is a sickness too, and I'm doing my best to get well.

After I wrote that blog I felt a lot better, like I didn't have to keep thinking those thoughts because they were now written down ... almost like I had been afraid I would forget them. And I felt better than I had in days. It was like I had mentally fell down, and now I could officially pick myself back up and dust myself off and reassess where I am. And, you know, something else occurred to me, too.

I was wondering about why I feel like my life has gone wrong. It occurred to me that I have felt a loss of control in my life ever since about 6 months after Phil and I got married. Don't get me wrong -- I love Phil and my marriage is wonderful. It was just about 6 months after I got married that I realized that I wasn't going to be able to get money as an artist, and I had to get more creative with my life in order to get a paycheck. That made me feel uneasy, unsteady, and unreliable. Sometimes I had a good job, and sometimes I didn't (that's the way the subbing world goes). But even after I got my job, I knew instantly that this isn't what I want to do with my life, but in order to get the money I was shunted down this path. Loss of control.

I also realized that I feel a loss of control because we have not made steps toward getting our house built. As a starter home, we got a trailer for a great deal ($3000 -- priced to move!!), which sure beat the socks off of an apartment. And again, don't get me wrong, because in many ways living in this trailer has been sweet and endearing ... But I hate this stinkin' trailer, and I hate the stigma of living in a trailer, and I'm ready to live in my HOUSE instead of this glorified hand-me-down cardboard box. My husband has been less than motivated to get to work on the house, and anxiety has created a chokehold on me. I don't nag -- that's just not me. So I've waited. Loss of control.

As a quiet rebellion, though, I let my home get into a sad state of disarray. Well, actually, that's not true. It's gotten into a state of disarray for several reasons:
1) a quiet rebellion
2) Phil is extremely particular about his personal things and he gripes and mopes (sometimes for days) if I clean up after him, claiming he can't find anything. Over time, I gave up, and we had, as they call, a Mexican Standoff about the tidiness of the house
3) I'm tired when I get home from work and sometimes it's all I can do to make supper, let alone clean afterwards
4) The weekends are out because Phil wants me to come to the farm with him on Saturdays instead of clean (which I love coming to the farm, but it just wears me out, too), and cleaning on Sundays is out because we live too far away from our church to attend both services AND come home inbetween.
5) Even if I DO clean, it's still a nasty, moldy, falling-apart trailer from the late 1970's, and no amount of cleaning will ever make it feel *clean.*
5) Possibly the most important of all ... I hate cleaning, especially anything bathroom and/or sink related. Makes me gag. Ugh! I don't even like THINKING about it!!!
So, the long and short of it is that the house is an absolute pigsty, and Phil and I have argued more about the state of the house than ANYTHING else in our marriage. But when I walk into the house and there is stuff everywhere and not enough room to put it in because we are crammed into this little box, holding on to stuff that is supposed to fit inside our HOUSE that I don't even know where to begin. Loss of control.

Loss of control. Loss of control. Loss of control.

But eating?

I can dominate food. Easily.

I have made food my bitch in order to be in control of something.

If I haven't been happy, and I feel like I don't have a grip on anything, I can ravage the cupboard and show it who's boss. Nothing can hide from me. Nothing is safe from me. I can easily manipulate it to make it something that appeals to me. I can combine several ingrediants to create something that is delectably phenomenal. I can bend it to my will.

This was quite eye-opening for me.

And then I realized that even though I have used food to try to be in control of something, I have instead ended up out of control with yet another thing. Sad.

Well, after this epiphany, everything started coming up Auburn. Phil actually called me and told me to set up an appointment with the log home company, that he wanted to swing by tomorrow (which is today!!!) and show them our tentative plans ... and that maybe over my fall break we can look into home loans, and possibly break ground at the beginning of next year!!!!!!!!! It was answered prayer!!!!!!! Actually, as I'm typing this, he is probably there right now, and I CANNOT WAIT to know what happened!!!!!!!!

Then, I went to the grocery store and got the shopping done for the week (which, typically, in and of itself is a pretty big accomplishment for me), and I bought a Swiffer mop while I was there. Mops with buckets remind me too much of bathroom cleaning nastiness, so I have mopped maybe five times since we've lived here, I am ashamed to say. Well, I got the mop, and as soon as I got home, I mopped the floor. I felt so proud of myself! It felt so good to be clean. And then I did a load of laundry and completely cleaned up the kitchen and was so proud I was about fit to burst. I felt a satisfying feeling of control ... and I was actually BURNING calories!!

And to top it off, one of my co-workers loaned me a couple of exercise videos on Yoga, and I tried one of them out last night (featuring Bob from The Biggest Loser). It kicked my butt -- I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was -- but I felt so GOOD and RELAXED afterwards! I felt calm and in control. My house was clean(er), I had exercised, I had stayed within my fat grams for the day, and Phil had an appointment to get the ball rolling on our HOUSE!

And let me just say that y'all's comments yesterday were so sweet. I think I also felt calm because, even though I succumbed to the feelings and let it all out there, you guys stuck by me and still accepted me. That was very comforting, too. I have the best readers. :) You guys mean the world to me.

And as for now, I've gotta be running to my next class. I'll let you know about house developments!!!!!!

Posted in: control, house plans, loss of control, yoga on Tuesday, September 22, 2009 at at 8:24 AM