The Quest for a Mile

Okay. Enough is enough. The diet is back on.

Back before I got this very stressful job, I was on a diet. I lost almost 50 pounds in six months. I was very proud of myself. I felt like I could accomplish anything if I set my mind to it.

Then I got this job and suddenly I had no time to do anything. I was working AND going to school, and I was literally going crazy. I sobbed in my sleep. I became very erratic. I had so many things being demanded of me, it was just too hard to keep writing down what I ate. Often, I was eating and doing something else. Never a good sign.

But, I thought I was invincible. I had lost almost 50 pounds. I wouldn't go back. I had been strong, my body had changed. I was naive.

So, over time, I loosened up on my eating. I gave myself reward treats to make myself feel better for all the work I was doing. I had a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I found was temporarily relieved if I was eating. I was hardly sleeping at night, trying to get everything done, and waking up before 5 to go to work the next day, and I also found that eating helped to keep me awake. Eventually, it wasn't so much what I could eat that was HEALTHY, it was what I could eat that was FAST. Sometimes I fell asleep immediately after eating supper ... yes, at 6:30 or 7:00 at night, only to be waken up by my husband so that I could go finish my homework.

All very bad signs, my friends.

Needless to say, here I am again at the weight before I even started, with a few extra pounds to boot, and I feel that despair creeping in again.

I am fearful because I know that anytime soon I need to call up my college and start school again, or else I won't be able to be hired again for next year (I have to show proof that I have taken college courses every school year in order to renew my temporary teaching license). I am handling the stress okay for now, but when that starts ... what then? I feel pre-emptive despair, and I can't let that happen. I will be jogging but if I don't change, I will also be eating enough for two or three people, and jogging just can't negate that.

And, after wallowing around for a week eating junk and not exercising ... I just *feel* fat. I feel weak. I feel ... inadequate. I hate feeling like that.

So, time to nip it in the bud. I'm keeping a food diary again. Gonna eat 30 fat grams or less per day. Gonna stick to it. Gonna start jogging again, now that I can finally breathe (though still not 100%).

Today it begins.

Sometimes it is not necessarily the changing that is important, but it is the courage it takes to begin the change.

I can't let it beat me. I must strike first.

Perhaps today is not Labor Day at all, but rather Independence Day.

Posted in: dieting on Monday, September 7, 2009 at at 1:19 PM