The Quest for a Mile

After I posted yesterday, and I was consumed with longing for my children and my future, I strangly felt better. It was as if I remembered the person that I want to be, instead of floundering around in a daze. So, I jumped on that treadmill, and I was back to jogging. Ohhh, yeeahh! It felt so good! I am embarrassed to admit the tiny incriment that I was running (*coughcoughranfor50secondswalkedfor2minutescoughcough*), but you know what? It was HARD. And today, I am SORE. And yesterday, it was ALL I COULD DO ... so at the same time, I feel ashamed that I couldn't do more, but I am proud that I got it done, and I did it well.

Now, for a potporri of thoughts, to let you in on a few more things...

~ The last couple of days have really, truly, been terrible. My dad was let go from his job due to financial issues, and my parents are really scared about the future. The sad thing is, this is the second time this year; he was let go from another company due to finances back at the beginning of February.

~ On a slightly lighter note but still adding to the mess, I've been emailing back and forth with my uncle whom I barely know, wanting to get to know him better, and he was really rude and hurt my feelings. So much for admiring him my entire life.

~ I can't get Esther the pony. The man who bought her at the stockyard said she is not for sale, and he finally took her to his home, so I can't even visit her. I miss her, but I hope that she's happy.

~ There was a comment left on my blog a couple of days ago that really bothered me, chastising me on my use of the word "diet." For the last few days I've been mulling this over, and I would like to say in response that I agree with what was said, and I wish that I did think that way, but I am not there yet. It is all the harder when I am surrounded by people who rather openly treat dieting as a punishment. I can't help but feel shame that I must be so careful with what I eat. And, you know, if you're stomach is growling all the time, it IS a punishment, and that is hard. Also, when you are struggling to keep self-mutilation and/or suicidal thoughts at bay, just fighting against that dark depression (which, for those of you who don't know, I have been diagnosed with depression, and that's partly why I started trying to run, to learn to cope with it and control it), slipping up a couple of times with one or two negative thoughts is a step up. I'm trying my hardest, and this blog is my safe place. Thank you for your concern, and thank you for your support, but meet me where I am and help me get to where I need to be. Fair enough? :)

Okay, I feel better now that THAT is all out in the open.

Lola and I went for a wicked long walk this afternoon. It was simply gorgeous -- 80 degrees, warm breeze, sunny skies. We took the "yellow route," and once that was over, we walked a couple of miles down the road to go admire my uncle-in-law's horses and walked back. Lola was so tired she was dragging along a little behind me, pink tongue lolling out of her mouth. She'll sleep good tonight!!

All right, I'm gonna duck out for tonight. Thank you, guys, for all of your wonderful comments and support. :)

Posted in: dieting, dog walking, jogging, rough jogs on Thursday, October 8, 2009 at at 5:48 PM 8 comments  

Oh, my dear blog-reading friends: Tonight. Was. Rough.

I mean, rreeeeallllyy rough.

I am having jogging remorse, both from the jog tonight and skipping the jog from yesterday. Could not jogging yesterday have put me in such bad shape tonight?

*whimpers*

I mean, REALLY? I am so close to three minutes! I am so excited about three minutes! But GEEZ!!

I am soooo tired. I didn't jog yesterday because yesterday was such a long day. I worked from 7:10 in the morning to 6:30 that night, and there was still supper to cook when I got home. (After-school inservices really are a stupid idea, by the way.) So it really couldn't be helped; I was just too tired. But I figured it wouldn't be too bad to get back at it tonight.

Sorry to complain, guys. I just ... got on the treadmill tonight, and my whole body felt like lead. Like I could've sat down immediately after a round of jogging, closed my eyes, and fallen asleep sitting up.

Actually, sitting here in this computer chair is pretty comfortable... NO! Must! Resist! Sleep!

Nobody ever said this would be easy. But sometimes, it feels like nobody ever said it would be so hard, either. (I have echos of Coldplay reverberating in my head.)

I actually had to sit down a couple of times, because I was just sweating so badly (I just got sooo hot) and I was dizzy and ... sleepy. Even though I really didn't feel like I was working that hard. Like my breathing really wasn't even strained. Oh, so weird.

Oh, well. For my stats, I jogged for 2:50, walked for 5 minutes. I went 2.165 miles, burned 273 calories, and it took me 50:00 ... well, 50:00 on the treadmill, that is.

On a random tangent, WHY do Southerners eat whenever we get the chance? If we're hungry, we eat. If we're celebrating, we eat. If we're mourning, we eat. If there's a holiday, a birth, a wedding, a death, a birthday, a fourth Sunday, a Friday night ... we eat. And we never eat healthy!! Today at school, one of the teachers (at my base school, which means that I know no one because I do not have students there) is leaving, and so everyone brought in food. Chocolate doughnuts, glazed doughnuts, powdered doughnuts, sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, muffins, sausage balls ... and there it all was, unsupervised, when I walked into the teacher's lounge to make a couple of copies. I was floored. I wanted it. My mouth started watering and my eyes roamed all the beautiful, tantalizing colors of the spread. But then part of me remembered how many calories are in even ONE of those sweets, and I got to thinking that I didn't want my jog tonight to mean nothing for a few seconds of happiness. I made my xerox copies and got out. I felt very proud ... but that doesn't mean that I STILL don't want some of those sweets.

Can I seriously do this for the rest of my life?

I would like to think I can. :)

Posted in: eating in the Southern way, rough jogs, sleepiness on Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at at 6:35 PM 8 comments