The Quest for a Mile

Okay, so I feel compelled to explain myself a little better. In my last blog entry, I explained some particulars about my job, but I kind of got a little overwhelmed explaining it all, especially since I was trying to go to bed and it was getting me a little worked up. Since then, I've gotten through my first day back at work, last night I slept for a glorious 12 hours (which I don't think I've done since high school!), and I am ready to explain the rest of the story.

It might be a little lengthy, but I'm going to just get it all out there so that I don't have to keep reopening this wound. So let's start from the beginning...

When I graduated from college, I was the only Studio Arts major in my class. (Studio Arts, just so that you know, is opposed to Graphic Art: SA is painting and GA is working on the computer, mostly). My goal is to one day be scooped up by an agent, and I can paint to my heart's content, hand over my paintings to my agent, and they can wisk them away to sell them. However, my husband and I had been married for almost a year and we were pretty desperate for me to get a good paycheck. I started trying to apply to jobs which might relate to my major (my college was no help; mostly, it kind of felt like they opened up the door to the Real World, kicked me out on the sidewalk, and yelled "Good Luck!" before slamming the door in my face). Every job that I could find involved Graphic Art, and they didn't want to hire me because they didn't think I could do the job. The reality is that I can do Graphic Art work, but ususally Graphic Artists cannot do MY work. It was very frustrating.

So, after a few months, I decided to get a job as a substitute teacher at the local high school (incidentally, the high school from which I graduated). This way I could get some money coming in, but it wasn't so strict a job that I couldn't keep looking for another job. Fact is, I LOVED substitute teaching! I got to teach something different every day, and I got to meet every kid in the school. (At the time, my little sister was a senior there, and she would eat lunch with me on the days that our lunch schedules coincided. My little sister is one of my best friends, so that was really awesome! ^^) I specifically requested to the teachers to leave me their lesson plans so that I could teach in their wake; that way, I was not as bored (you try watching the same hour-and-a-half segment of a movie three times a day and see how you like it!), and the teacher would not get behind. I quickly became the most sought-after substitute, and I began teaching for longer and longer "stints," even teaching Calculus and Algebra II for a month.

Another math teacher in the school saw how well I was doing teaching Calculus and Algebra II, and she asked me if I would be willing to teach her class (Algebra I and II) for a week. She had breast cancer, and she just wanted a week to catch her breath and get back on her feet. I was more than willing to do this. After the week was over, she called me and asked if I could teach for her another week. Eventually, she asked me if I could teach her class until further notice. I ended up teaching her class for the entire semester (which, since we were on "block scheduling," meant that it was a year's worth of material). She passed away the April of that semester, and it was very hard on her students. She was one of those really special teachers that seemed to connect with every student. (I try to be the same way, but it's hard being in the shadow of someone else who is stellar at this.) I would like to think that I helped her last few months be more peaceful; I know that she told one of the other teachers that at least she knew she didn't have to worry about her class, that she knew I was taking care of it.

Anyway, at the end of the school year, the school board wanted to hire me to fill the vacated position, but I had to take a test on the subject area (the Praxis) before I could be hired. It was an extremely difficult test, filled with a whole bunch of math that I had never had before in my life, and I am not the best math person in the world, either! I needed a 136 to pass, and I made a 123 (so close!). So it was back to subbing for me.

Incidentally, the teacher that they *did* hire to fill the position, strangely enough, had my same last name. Boy, was she surprised when the school year began! Kids would run into her room yelling my last name, so excited, and then they were very confused when they saw her. She told me that it made for a very difficult first day. :)

Anyway, at Christmastime of the next school year, I got a very interesting phonecall (a conference call, no less) from the schoolboard. They said that there was a vacated position for the high school gifted teacher, and they wanted to know if I would be willing to teach the class for the spring semester. I was thrilled!

That spring semester wasn't so bad; if anything, it was a little boring. My school day was practically over when the rest of the county's school day began (high school gifted students begin class before school, so class time began either at 6:45 or 7:00, depending on the school). Since I was just a substitute, I wasn't allowed to do any of their paperwork because it would be illegal for me to even look at it. The workload for my students was divided between the other three gifted education teachers in the county. Sometimes I would sub for their classes while they worked on paperwork for my students. But, most of the time, it kind of felt like I got up early, had class, and twiddled my thumbs for the rest of the school day.

That summer, the school board contacted me and said that they wanted to hire me for the gifted ed. position, but I would have to take the Praxis for gifted education in order to get the job. I took the test, and passed with flying colors.

When I was officially hired for the job, my boss looked me dead in the eye and told me that it would be physically impossible for me to do all the paperwork for the job, but they wanted me to try to do it, anyway. That's a lot of pressure to be put on a first-year teacher!

To add to this pressure, the other teachers did not get all of their work done the semester before to keep my kids' paperwork in compliance. There are these things called IEP's (Individualized Education Plans) wherein I am supposed to have a sit-down meeting with the parents, the student, the principal, the guidance counselor, and at least one teacher and discuss what needs this student has that are above and beyond the average student. We are supposed to generate a plan to help this student accomodate to their unique situation.

I walked into the job with 40 IEP's past due, and more expiring all the time.

Need I remind you that I said in my last entry that the average special education teacher has 20-30 students, just so that they can do all the paperwork? I friggin' walked into the job with more IEP's past due than should be asked of me to do in an entire school year.

Oh, did I mention that there is no such thing as a curriculum? I've got to make up what it is that I'm supposed to teach, but have to make sure that it applies to standards that don't exist. What is up with that?!?

Oh-ho-ho, but I'm not done yet. See, since I did not have a teaching certificate, in order for me to keep my job, I had to go back to school and get my Master's in special education, and I had to show documentation at the end of the school year that I had done coursework during the school year (I had to at least do 6 hours in order to keep my job). So on top of the impossible work load, I was a Master's student as well. I completed 13 hours before I almost had a nervous breakdown and dropped out of school. (I figured, hey, that's well beyond my required 6 hours.) Plus, it's SO MUCH MONEY! Really, after I pay for school, I'm not really making much more than I was substitute teaching. And I was so much happier then...

Around March, I got a tip from a friend that there was an art teacher position opening in a school in another county. I was so excited, and immediately applied for the job. It would've been so much more relaxing to teach art, to actually be using my degree. I had the job interview, and I heard from some inside sources that I was the most qualified candidate for the job. I was on cloud nine, sure I was about to be rescued from this job that was slowly strangling me. About a month and a half ago, I found out (through email, no less) that they had hired someone else for the job. She had better political connections, apparently. So it was back into the old shackles.

I think the phrase, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is really stupid, incidentally.

So, anyway, the school year has just begun again. I am almost fifty pounds heavier than I was this time last year, and I've been diagnosed with anxiety-induced depression (wonder why?). I am trying to be a good teacher and a good wife, and it's often hard to be both, it seems. I'm about to go back into school to continue with my Master's program so that I can be hired for next year, if need be. I don't really know where to go from here because I really don't want this job for the rest of my life, but I have to be working on a Master's FOR this job so that I can be making money now. If I get my Master's for this job, aren't I going to be compelled to keep it so that I can justify all the money I put into it?

*sigh*

All I want is to build my log house and have my little children and settle down into the rest of my life. This is such a frustrating hiatus.

There, I think I'm done now. If you're still with me, thanks for reading all the ranting. I just really needed to get it all out there, for me, I think.

I guess a good comparison for how I feel right now is when you get into a pool that is almost too cold to swim in. You have a mental battle of, "This is FREEZING!" versus "No, if I move around a little bit, I'll get used to it." And you keep easing yourself deeper and deeper and the mental battle begins again. This is how it feels to be in my head. Part of me is constantly saying that I can't do everything that's being asked of me, and the other part of me thinks that it's going to get better, that I've just got to get used to it. Trying to stay positive is key. Some days are easier than others, but I am sure trying.

Posted in: my job, my pictures on Saturday, August 8, 2009 at at 12:14 PM