The Quest for a Mile

Okay, as Sharon would say, here are my wins and fails:

Bad news first: fails ... my eating has totally been out of control. I have been fighting the anxiety and fear with the decisions that must be made about school. I am thinking about transferring schools, and I dread all the extra work, and I worry about the money, and I don't want to get a degree in something that I don't want to do, but if I don't go back to school, then I can't keep my job ... *pant pant pant* And I caved and ate something bad. And then I was like, well, I've already blown it today, what about eating *this* thing ... and then I eat more and more. And then the next day came, and it was like, well, I screwed myself over yesterday, it's still the weekend, so what did I do? Screwed myself over again is what I did. Yes. Weakness sucks. Now it's getting back on the wagon.

(Oh, there were so many cheeseburgers and barbeque to be had.... *shudders*)

But, I paid for my sins, because last night I got an acute case of food poisoning, and was ill today. I repented many times over. And Amy suggested that I read a book called Running for Mortals, and since I lost all of my running stamina when I got my sinus infection, I decided to take their running program to heart.

Wins: Even though I wasn't the best today, I still went to work, and even had my first IEP meeting that needed an interpreter. Interesting! And I did my exercising tonight. I speed-walked (or is it sped-walked?) for thirty minutes, and walked for five minutes at a slower pace afterwards. I stretched for about 10 minutes after that. Felt pretty good.

I want that mile, but I've gotta do it the slow, smart way.

Posted in: on Monday, September 14, 2009 at at 9:46 PM 4 comments  

So my husband's side of the family is having a cattle sale to thin down the numbers of our herd ... and to, let's face it, bring in some cash. We have registered Hereford (pronounced "Her-ferd," at least 'round these parts) cattle, and they look like this:

Posted in: barbeque, cattle sale, hamburger, Hereford on Friday, September 11, 2009 at at 8:25 PM 4 comments  

Thank you, friends, for your kind words. I do not know if I am *cough* "gorgeous," but I do think of that picture as haunting. That girl is like a ghost ... but ... well ....

I have several things that I want to say tonight, several thoughts swirling through my head, but you know ... I won't. For two reasons:

1) Straight-up confession: I realized that I haven't been taking my anti-depression medication since Saturday night, and I don't think that my thoughts are fair. But I got the prescription refilled, give it a couple of days to kick back in and to regroup my thoughts, and then if I still feel this way, then I'll share.

2) This place is my Mental Safe Zone, and something inside me is just fighting against these thoughts. Something is telling me not to share. Tonight is not the time to be negative. Instead, I'm gonna think of something positive, because I really think it's more of what I need tonight.

So ... hmmm ... something good ....

Well, I was really good on my diet today. I only ate about 25 fat grams (I've written down all of my food and have a rough approximation, but I haven't made the final tally yet), and I jogged tonight for 1:30, and walked for 3. I went 2.098 miles, burned 348 calories, and it took me 48:00.

A really good thought ...

My students have been so awesome these past few days. I just love my kids. I don't guess I told you guys, but last Tuesday when I was so sick and I called in a sick day, I had to cancel a couple of my classes. The principal accidentally forgot to announce that the class was cancelled at one of my schools, and several of my students showed up for class. Well, 10 minutes into class and I still wasn't there, so one of my students called me at home to see if I was coming. This student, named Austin, is a senior in high school and kind of a hell-raiser, but he connects to me for some reason. He would be the kind of kid that would typically be THRILLED if his teacher didn't come to class. But there he was, on the phone, sounding all pitiful, and just said, "Are you coming to class today?" And I was like, "Oh, no, Austin, didn't the principal make the announcement?" And he responded with, "No. Why do you sound like a dude? You sick?" And I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've got a sinus infection. Can't come in today." And he said, "Okay. We were asked by the guidance counselor to help out with something, so we can do that to stay outta class" (see, what'd I tell ya? Hellraiser.) "but I hope you get to feeling better soon."

After I hung up, I realized how extraordinary that phonecall was. How many students call their teachers WANTING them to come to class? I tell you what, I've truly got the best students in the world.

And with that thought, and a smile on my face, I'm gonna call it a night, and go get my shower, and go to sleep.

Posted in: good thoughts on Wednesday, September 9, 2009 at at 9:27 PM 2 comments  

Short post. Feeling tired.

I was on track with my diet again today, and I just finished my jog. My stats were almost exactly the same as last night.

I was on the treadmill, and I just wasn't feeling it tonight. I just wanted to sit down and not think. And, for a second, I did. And then a picture floated into my head that made me get back up.

It was a photo of me my senior year of high school. In my mind, I think I still look like that girl. Sometimes I'm even shocked when I look in the mirror and she's not there, there's just this imposter who isn't as pretty. But if I worked hard at it, I could look like her again. I mean, heck, that wasn't even ten years ago! So I got my body back up on its feet, every single pound of what felt like lead, and finished the jog. I just kept thinking of her. I want to be her again.

To Auburn:

Posted in: senior picture on Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at at 9:50 PM 5 comments  

Back to jogging once again! I feel like crap, but I got it done. So much mucus! I'm just sick of being sick ... rebelling!! It was tiring, but it felt good to be moving again.

And the diet was on-track today, and that felt good, too. I bought a journal today to write down what I'm eating and to tally it all up. I have learned something about myself in the past couple of years: if I don't make it pretty, then I don't do it. (Perhaps it's the artist in me screaming to express itself!) You guys should see my lesson plan book; it's a freakin' work of art! :D The other teachers make fun of me, but I just know that if I didn't have a whole bunch of markers and pretty gel pens in order to jazz up the mundane, I find that I won't do it at all. So I had to get a new journal at the store today to excite myself about keeping up my food journal again. It has a kitty on the cover with its head tilted to the side, and I wrote a speech bubble beside its head that says, "Wow! You've lost HOW much?!?" (Yeah. I'm a nerd.) I've already made the first entry pretty; makes me proud ... especially the big blue letters at the bottom of the page that say "GOAL COMPLETED"!

For my stats, I jogged for 1 minute, walked for 2. I burned 343 calores, went 2.064 calories, and it took me 47:00. I also ate 27.5 fat grams today, and 1606 calories. Not bad, my friends!

The future scares me, but I'm trying not to let it *scare* me. Having a little control over the situation feels good. I can control my destiny.

That feels good to say. :)

Posted in: beautification, dieting, food journal, jogging on Monday, September 7, 2009 at at 9:14 PM 2 comments  

Okay. Enough is enough. The diet is back on.

Back before I got this very stressful job, I was on a diet. I lost almost 50 pounds in six months. I was very proud of myself. I felt like I could accomplish anything if I set my mind to it.

Then I got this job and suddenly I had no time to do anything. I was working AND going to school, and I was literally going crazy. I sobbed in my sleep. I became very erratic. I had so many things being demanded of me, it was just too hard to keep writing down what I ate. Often, I was eating and doing something else. Never a good sign.

But, I thought I was invincible. I had lost almost 50 pounds. I wouldn't go back. I had been strong, my body had changed. I was naive.

So, over time, I loosened up on my eating. I gave myself reward treats to make myself feel better for all the work I was doing. I had a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I found was temporarily relieved if I was eating. I was hardly sleeping at night, trying to get everything done, and waking up before 5 to go to work the next day, and I also found that eating helped to keep me awake. Eventually, it wasn't so much what I could eat that was HEALTHY, it was what I could eat that was FAST. Sometimes I fell asleep immediately after eating supper ... yes, at 6:30 or 7:00 at night, only to be waken up by my husband so that I could go finish my homework.

All very bad signs, my friends.

Needless to say, here I am again at the weight before I even started, with a few extra pounds to boot, and I feel that despair creeping in again.

I am fearful because I know that anytime soon I need to call up my college and start school again, or else I won't be able to be hired again for next year (I have to show proof that I have taken college courses every school year in order to renew my temporary teaching license). I am handling the stress okay for now, but when that starts ... what then? I feel pre-emptive despair, and I can't let that happen. I will be jogging but if I don't change, I will also be eating enough for two or three people, and jogging just can't negate that.

And, after wallowing around for a week eating junk and not exercising ... I just *feel* fat. I feel weak. I feel ... inadequate. I hate feeling like that.

So, time to nip it in the bud. I'm keeping a food diary again. Gonna eat 30 fat grams or less per day. Gonna stick to it. Gonna start jogging again, now that I can finally breathe (though still not 100%).

Today it begins.

Sometimes it is not necessarily the changing that is important, but it is the courage it takes to begin the change.

I can't let it beat me. I must strike first.

Perhaps today is not Labor Day at all, but rather Independence Day.

Posted in: dieting on at at 1:19 PM 1 comments  

... I ate a whole pan of muffins because they were the only thing to keep my stomach from lurching from all of the infected mucus I had inadvertantly swallowed.

... I played video games until I got dizzy, literally, and then I'd go to bed, and I'd sleep until I got too ansty, and then I'd go play video games. Lather, rinse, repeat. I felt like such a mooching-bum teenager ... and it was even a game I've played before. Yeah. I'm a loser.

... I gave myself a french manicure, and it looked beautiful, until I sneezed and smudged a couple of my fingernails before they were almost dry.

... the weather was PERFECT outside and I got such cabin fever that I took a lawn chair out into Lola's pen and I threw a tennis ball to her. She has seriously improved on her fetching skills! But I was only able to last for about 20 minutes until I was exhausted and feverish again.

Plus side? (Um .... or .... rather .... "Positive" side *ahem*):

... Today I am feeling much better and I went back to work, and even worked overtime. (Even though I'm now beat!!) Thank goodness for Z-pack antibiotics!!

... I was so proud of my Lil' Lola, because she used to be very fearful of harsh voices, even if they were saying nice things, and a year ago she would've cowered at my cold-in-the-chest-induced-man-voice. However, she didn't even flinch, and she would fetch the ball and come lay her head in my lap for pettin's after every retrieval. It was like she knew I was doing the best I could and she was just happy to aim to please.

... I stepped on the scale today, and peeked through my fingers, fearful of all the bad food I have eaten over the past few days just to keep the room from spinning ... and it said I lost three pounds! It may be wrong, and it may be right, but at least, if it was fibbing, it was fibbing the *right* way!! At least it was a little of an ego boost. :)

Soon I feel like I will be good enough to get back on that treadmill tomorrow, even if it's just a gentle walk. But I thought I'd update y'all and let you know that I'm still here. I have ALSO been reading up on y'all's blogs, and let me just say that I have become associated with a fine, inspiring group of people!! I feel like I'm so far behind you guys, but I will catch up!! And I feel so honored that you check in with me and are cheering for me! Take heart, friends! The Quest may be on hiatus, but it won't be long now until the Journey is underway again!!

Thanks, everybody. Your comments mean so much to me!!! :)

Posted in: fetching, muffins, sinus infections, weight loss on Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at at 6:42 PM 4 comments