The Quest for a Mile

Whew, guys! I can't tell you how good it feels to have gotten that last blog out of my system. I know that I've told y'all before that I am trying to write positive, but at the same time I kind of felt like I was lying to y'all, too. Like I was doing what I'm always trying to do, just putting on a happy face and bearing it all by myself, even though I'm really struggling inside. Fact is, now I feel like you know the worst of it, and I feel like I don't have to keep pretending. Now when I write positively, I know you know where I'm coming from. That is so relieving to me!

And thank you all for your dear comments! Maggie, I truly understand what you mean about your french teacher. She sounds a lot like the teacher that I covered, just a fantastic teacher and a wonderful trooper. We need more teachers like that!

I have some students in my gifted class who gave me the nickname "Mama Sunshine" because (out of their own mouths) when they begin their day with me their day always starts out happy. I love this nickname, but I also feel like I've gotta live up to it, too. I wanna be Mama Sunshine all the time! :)

I heard a line in a song by Jason Mraz that really struck me today. It said, "If it's a broken part, replace it/If it's a broken arm, then brace it/But if it's a broken heart, then face it." I feel like that is what I'm trying to do. Gotta heal from the inside-out. Gotta deal with all facets of how I got into this state that I'm in now, and figure out how to get myself out. And jogging is part of my therapy plan!

So tonight, I jogged again! I jogged for 2:20, and walked for 4 minutes. I went 2.063 miles, burned 262 calories, and it took me 47 minutes. And -- haha! -- it just now occurs to me that I didn't do my pushups and situps. Oh, well. Lola and I took a really long walk this afternoon ... maybe that'll make up for it...?

Well, my friends, it's getting late, and I still need to get a shower. I love y'all's comments ... you guys are so uplifting to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! :)

Posted in: Jason Mraz, jogging, Mama Sunshine on Saturday, August 8, 2009 at at 10:53 PM 1 comments  

Okay, so I feel compelled to explain myself a little better. In my last blog entry, I explained some particulars about my job, but I kind of got a little overwhelmed explaining it all, especially since I was trying to go to bed and it was getting me a little worked up. Since then, I've gotten through my first day back at work, last night I slept for a glorious 12 hours (which I don't think I've done since high school!), and I am ready to explain the rest of the story.

It might be a little lengthy, but I'm going to just get it all out there so that I don't have to keep reopening this wound. So let's start from the beginning...

When I graduated from college, I was the only Studio Arts major in my class. (Studio Arts, just so that you know, is opposed to Graphic Art: SA is painting and GA is working on the computer, mostly). My goal is to one day be scooped up by an agent, and I can paint to my heart's content, hand over my paintings to my agent, and they can wisk them away to sell them. However, my husband and I had been married for almost a year and we were pretty desperate for me to get a good paycheck. I started trying to apply to jobs which might relate to my major (my college was no help; mostly, it kind of felt like they opened up the door to the Real World, kicked me out on the sidewalk, and yelled "Good Luck!" before slamming the door in my face). Every job that I could find involved Graphic Art, and they didn't want to hire me because they didn't think I could do the job. The reality is that I can do Graphic Art work, but ususally Graphic Artists cannot do MY work. It was very frustrating.

So, after a few months, I decided to get a job as a substitute teacher at the local high school (incidentally, the high school from which I graduated). This way I could get some money coming in, but it wasn't so strict a job that I couldn't keep looking for another job. Fact is, I LOVED substitute teaching! I got to teach something different every day, and I got to meet every kid in the school. (At the time, my little sister was a senior there, and she would eat lunch with me on the days that our lunch schedules coincided. My little sister is one of my best friends, so that was really awesome! ^^) I specifically requested to the teachers to leave me their lesson plans so that I could teach in their wake; that way, I was not as bored (you try watching the same hour-and-a-half segment of a movie three times a day and see how you like it!), and the teacher would not get behind. I quickly became the most sought-after substitute, and I began teaching for longer and longer "stints," even teaching Calculus and Algebra II for a month.

Another math teacher in the school saw how well I was doing teaching Calculus and Algebra II, and she asked me if I would be willing to teach her class (Algebra I and II) for a week. She had breast cancer, and she just wanted a week to catch her breath and get back on her feet. I was more than willing to do this. After the week was over, she called me and asked if I could teach for her another week. Eventually, she asked me if I could teach her class until further notice. I ended up teaching her class for the entire semester (which, since we were on "block scheduling," meant that it was a year's worth of material). She passed away the April of that semester, and it was very hard on her students. She was one of those really special teachers that seemed to connect with every student. (I try to be the same way, but it's hard being in the shadow of someone else who is stellar at this.) I would like to think that I helped her last few months be more peaceful; I know that she told one of the other teachers that at least she knew she didn't have to worry about her class, that she knew I was taking care of it.

Anyway, at the end of the school year, the school board wanted to hire me to fill the vacated position, but I had to take a test on the subject area (the Praxis) before I could be hired. It was an extremely difficult test, filled with a whole bunch of math that I had never had before in my life, and I am not the best math person in the world, either! I needed a 136 to pass, and I made a 123 (so close!). So it was back to subbing for me.

Incidentally, the teacher that they *did* hire to fill the position, strangely enough, had my same last name. Boy, was she surprised when the school year began! Kids would run into her room yelling my last name, so excited, and then they were very confused when they saw her. She told me that it made for a very difficult first day. :)

Anyway, at Christmastime of the next school year, I got a very interesting phonecall (a conference call, no less) from the schoolboard. They said that there was a vacated position for the high school gifted teacher, and they wanted to know if I would be willing to teach the class for the spring semester. I was thrilled!

That spring semester wasn't so bad; if anything, it was a little boring. My school day was practically over when the rest of the county's school day began (high school gifted students begin class before school, so class time began either at 6:45 or 7:00, depending on the school). Since I was just a substitute, I wasn't allowed to do any of their paperwork because it would be illegal for me to even look at it. The workload for my students was divided between the other three gifted education teachers in the county. Sometimes I would sub for their classes while they worked on paperwork for my students. But, most of the time, it kind of felt like I got up early, had class, and twiddled my thumbs for the rest of the school day.

That summer, the school board contacted me and said that they wanted to hire me for the gifted ed. position, but I would have to take the Praxis for gifted education in order to get the job. I took the test, and passed with flying colors.

When I was officially hired for the job, my boss looked me dead in the eye and told me that it would be physically impossible for me to do all the paperwork for the job, but they wanted me to try to do it, anyway. That's a lot of pressure to be put on a first-year teacher!

To add to this pressure, the other teachers did not get all of their work done the semester before to keep my kids' paperwork in compliance. There are these things called IEP's (Individualized Education Plans) wherein I am supposed to have a sit-down meeting with the parents, the student, the principal, the guidance counselor, and at least one teacher and discuss what needs this student has that are above and beyond the average student. We are supposed to generate a plan to help this student accomodate to their unique situation.

I walked into the job with 40 IEP's past due, and more expiring all the time.

Need I remind you that I said in my last entry that the average special education teacher has 20-30 students, just so that they can do all the paperwork? I friggin' walked into the job with more IEP's past due than should be asked of me to do in an entire school year.

Oh, did I mention that there is no such thing as a curriculum? I've got to make up what it is that I'm supposed to teach, but have to make sure that it applies to standards that don't exist. What is up with that?!?

Oh-ho-ho, but I'm not done yet. See, since I did not have a teaching certificate, in order for me to keep my job, I had to go back to school and get my Master's in special education, and I had to show documentation at the end of the school year that I had done coursework during the school year (I had to at least do 6 hours in order to keep my job). So on top of the impossible work load, I was a Master's student as well. I completed 13 hours before I almost had a nervous breakdown and dropped out of school. (I figured, hey, that's well beyond my required 6 hours.) Plus, it's SO MUCH MONEY! Really, after I pay for school, I'm not really making much more than I was substitute teaching. And I was so much happier then...

Around March, I got a tip from a friend that there was an art teacher position opening in a school in another county. I was so excited, and immediately applied for the job. It would've been so much more relaxing to teach art, to actually be using my degree. I had the job interview, and I heard from some inside sources that I was the most qualified candidate for the job. I was on cloud nine, sure I was about to be rescued from this job that was slowly strangling me. About a month and a half ago, I found out (through email, no less) that they had hired someone else for the job. She had better political connections, apparently. So it was back into the old shackles.

I think the phrase, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is really stupid, incidentally.

So, anyway, the school year has just begun again. I am almost fifty pounds heavier than I was this time last year, and I've been diagnosed with anxiety-induced depression (wonder why?). I am trying to be a good teacher and a good wife, and it's often hard to be both, it seems. I'm about to go back into school to continue with my Master's program so that I can be hired for next year, if need be. I don't really know where to go from here because I really don't want this job for the rest of my life, but I have to be working on a Master's FOR this job so that I can be making money now. If I get my Master's for this job, aren't I going to be compelled to keep it so that I can justify all the money I put into it?

*sigh*

All I want is to build my log house and have my little children and settle down into the rest of my life. This is such a frustrating hiatus.

There, I think I'm done now. If you're still with me, thanks for reading all the ranting. I just really needed to get it all out there, for me, I think.

I guess a good comparison for how I feel right now is when you get into a pool that is almost too cold to swim in. You have a mental battle of, "This is FREEZING!" versus "No, if I move around a little bit, I'll get used to it." And you keep easing yourself deeper and deeper and the mental battle begins again. This is how it feels to be in my head. Part of me is constantly saying that I can't do everything that's being asked of me, and the other part of me thinks that it's going to get better, that I've just got to get used to it. Trying to stay positive is key. Some days are easier than others, but I am sure trying.

Posted in: my job, my pictures on at at 12:14 PM 5 comments  

Well, this was it ... the last day of summer vacation. I can't believe how much I have come psychologically. At the beginning of the summer, I was crying every day because I dreaded the idea of the school year coming like a slow-moving freight train. Today, I didn't even come CLOSE to crying. It's just a fact of life. In fact, I'm looking forward to seeing my kids again, so I'm looking forward for the year to start.

Oh, before I get too deep into talking about the school year, I'ma gonna share my stats. I jogged for 2:15 and walked for 3 minutes. I went 2.066 miles, burned 263 calories, and it took me 47:00. Also, I feel compelled to tell you that I did 100 sit-ups (2 sets of 33, 1 set of 34) and 3 sets of 10 girl-push-ups. Not too shabby, huh?

Okay, so ... the school year. I feel like a total pansy saying that the school year kind of scares me. I actually love school. I graduated as Valedictorian from my high school and Magna cum Laude from college. I love teaching and I absolutely adore my kids.

It's just *this* job. The paperwork ... oh, GOSH ... the PAPERWORK!

I teach high school gifted students (the cream of the crop kiddos). The good part: the kids are brilliant, clever, funny, and keep me on my toes. The bad part: they are considered special ed.

So I have to do all ... and I mean ALL ... of the special ed paperwork. On each and every one of them.

Let me explain this monstrous amount of paperwork to you. The average special education teacher has between 20-30 students so that they can physically finish all of the paperwork. I, on the other hand, have 77 students, which is actually improved from my caseload of 98 from last year. To put it in another light, I only teach 5 hours a week, but the rest of the school day is spent on paperwork, and I physically cannot do it all. The perfectionist in me is being driven insane by this.

And as for now, I must stop talking about this, because already my blood pressure is rising, and I'm trying to get calmed down so I can go to bed ... and be able to get up in time to be at school at 8:00.

So, happy news? I have a couple of good weight loss cheers. This might be TMI, but I noticed something about my thighs today. My thighs normally touch the arms of the computer chair when I sit down at the computer (yes, BOTH arms), but today I noticed that my thighs do not touch the armrests anymore. Yay for slimming down!

Today I also bought a pair of shorts that I'm supposed to wear when I'm exercising that will allow me to sweat an extra amount and get rid of waterweight in my hips and thighs. I wore them tonight when I went jogging. I will say that if sweating is what those shorts were supposed to do, then By Gum they sure did a good job of it! It was actually quite gross, teehee. So maybe that's a good thing...?

Okay, be thinking about me tomorrow, friends. I've gotta face my old demons and continue trying to squelch my old thinking, and I fear it's gonna be a hard day. But at least I've got the ole treadmill waiting for me to get out some of the anxiety and tension. Until then! :)

Posted in: jogging, school year, slimming down on Thursday, August 6, 2009 at at 10:25 PM 3 comments  

Well, I decided I would get up and report in first thing this morning before I ran out of things to say! I *did* do my jogging yesterday; unfortunately, my husband came home from work last night and had a headache that quickly escalated into a migraine ... the worst kind of migraine. He was soooo sick, poor guy. So last night was dedicated to taking care of him. I did my jogging around 9:30 last night, but I couldn't write in my blog because the computer is in the bedroom, and I knew the light from the screen -- heck, even the sound of typing on the keyboard -- would've killed him, so I just wrote down my stats. Fortunately, he was able to take some medicine in a decent enough time before his stomach turned on him, and it must have been able to do some good because around 11 last night he said he felt fine. This morning he says he still feels fine, but he is contemplating not going to work for fear of overdoing it. He doesn't get migraines often, but when he does, they are doozies!!

Anyway, for my stats, I jogged for 2:10 and walked for 4 minutes. I ultimately went 2.065 miles, burned 262 calories, and it took me 47 minutes.

You know, there have been some people in my life that I have told that I have started jogging. The response is always the same: "Wow, I could never jog! Way to go!" (Or something like that.) Fact is, I'm not a jogger myself! But everybody's got a starting place, and everybody's gotta build on their starting place.

I guess my biggest inspiration is a guy I saw on Oprah a few years ago (and I'm not the biggest Oprah fan, but this episode really sticks out in my mind). The actual premise of the show was that they had someone one there who was a "germ expert," but as the show went on, I think they actually found a germaphobic coot and gave him camera time. (For example, I distinctly remember him saying that you should throw away toothbrushes after every two weeks, and you should throw away mattress sets every year. I mean, was he for real?!? "Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" is my motto.) Anyway, they very quickly had a man as a guest on the show who used to weigh something like 400 pounds, and he got a treadmill. Everyday he would walk a little bit on it, and he always made himself walk a little more than he did the day before. Then he tried jogging a little bit on it, still pushing himself. Finally he built up the endurance to jog FIVE MILES every day! And he looked so slim and trim!! He had a pair of shoes that he bought the day he bought the treadmill, and they were analyzing the shoes to test for diseases. (The germaphobe almost had a heart attack from the old pair of shoes.) Anyway, I've always remembered that man, and I kind of feel like if he was able to do so well from being so deep in the hole, maybe I can do it, too.

Heck, secret confessions of the Auburn: once I hit a mile, I would love to learn to jog two, then three, then up to five, and I would ultimately love to jog on a speed setting of 6. Don't know how I'm gonna get there, but I had to start somewhere!

And I got the idea of upping my time on the treadmill from a commercial I heard on the radio a few months ago. It was a commercial for a gym that was advertising that they could train people to run marathons. They said that they up your time thirty seconds every day, and "you don't even feel yourself getting stronger. Anyone can do thirty seconds!" Well, I remember laughing out loud in my car, because I wasn't for sure that I could jog even one SET of thirty seconds. Even now, the idea of upping my time by thirty seconds every day would absolutely KILL me. But I can do five seconds. It works for me. :) Slow and steady, right?

Well, I guess I need to climb off of this soapbox. Gotta have something to talk about tonight, right? Until then, guys! Thanks for your encouragement!!

Posted in: jogging, migraines, Oprah on at at 9:04 AM 4 comments  

Well, it's been a day since I posted. I didn't get to jog yesterday; I went and visited my dad at his new job, and I helped out a family friend who just had a new baby but also has a rambunctious two-year-old. It was so fun playing with the little boy and cuddling the little baby. I totally got baby envy, haha! I want children so badly ... but we don't want to have children where we live right now. We are much too crammed in this glorified cardboard box, and WE don't even want to be here. We've bought a log home package that we want to build on our beautiful farm ... but so far, it's just dreams. Homes and dreams and babies ... *sigh* But it'll get here. And in the meantime there are short-term goals, like jogging!

As for tonight, I jogged for 2:05 and walked for 4 (I went ahead and bumped up my time, and it was a LOT easier to jog, lemme tell you!!). I went 2.207 miles, burned 278 calories, and it took me 51:00.

As long as I am on the topic of babies (since I've totally got them on the brain), I'll go ahead and share with you the names that we have picked out. We've got two boy names and one girl name (we want boys, so boy names are easier, haha!). Our first boy name is Phillip Taran, and he'll go by Taran. (Incidentally, I wanted him to be Taran Phillip, but my husband said that he didn't want our son's initials to be "TP," like toilet paper.) Our other boy name is Hunter Grover. (Grover was my husband's grandfather's name whom he adored so much [who unfortunately passed away a couple of months after we got married] ... but even the grandfather didn't like his own name, so we just wanted a name that didn't sound too bad with it. We thought Hunter was a good compliment.) And our girl name that we have picked out is Valancy Elizabeth.

One day I'll have my little ones, and I can't wait to be a mom. But I know when I am a mom, I will fondly remember the days when it was just my husband and me, so I'm just trying to do my best to enjoy these days while they are here.

Well, really fast, I'd also like to share that I made a low-fat parfait for my husband and me to eat for supper tonight, and it was so friggin' good!! Even HE liked it, and he tends to be diet-phobic. Sometimes, when it tastes so good to be good, who wants to even be bad?!?

Well, it felt good to get back on that treadmill. Thanks for all your support, guys! It's truly what keeps me going!

Posted in: babies, baby names, jogging, parfaits on Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at at 9:51 PM 6 comments  

YAY! TWO MINUTES! I have officially doubled my time from when I first started jogging! Woo-hoo!!!

*would like to demonstrate a happy dance, but cannot, so will let Kirby do it for her:*

"(>^^)>" "<(^^)>" "<(^^<)" "<(^^)>" "(>^^)>"

Well, for my official stats, I jogged for 2 minutes, walked for 3:30. I went 2.005 miles, burned 256 calories, and it took me 45:30.

This was a hard jog. It was hard to breathe tonight for some reason! Darn asthma!! I tried to overcome it by adding on 30 seconds, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to add on a full minute instead. But, as I keep telling myself, you gotta do what you gotta do, and it's not a race, right? :)

Also, after I was over, I did three sets of 30 crunches and three sets of 5 push-ups. I friggin HATE push-ups. I even start shaking when I get into the position. All I can do is what is known as "girl" push-ups, but I would love to be able to do full push-ups one day. My husband can do the whole one-handed push-ups and the push-up-and-clap-inbetween trick. Showoff. :P So I had him look at my form while I struggled through one of my sets so that I would know the few I was doing were right. He said they were good, which was kind of relieving to me. Maybe a new goal to do a few push-ups after I run, and get rid of the bat wings? :) We shall see!

Posted in: asthma, bat wings, jogging, push-ups, treadmill on Sunday, August 2, 2009 at at 10:38 PM 5 comments  

*hugs everyone back, even if she is a little sweaty since she just finished her jog* :)

Thank you guys for your sweet comments. I am so appreciative of your kind words! You know, when I started this blog, I was telling my mom about it. I told her that I wanted it to be a place to inspire others, but mostly to inspire me. Yes, me. *I* needed inspiration. When I sat down and read my own blog, I didn't want to wallow in the feelings that I try to hide in my head all day, I wanted to pump myself up and get excited about getting in shape, so that one day I can look back and truly be proud of what I have accomplished. I have kind of been a mess this summer, and this blog has been a bright spot. It is a goal that I can see, and it excites me. After I told Mom about how I sit down and try to write "positive," she said in agreement, "Sometimes you have to say things that you might not exactly feel to teach yourself to feel that way." That really struck me, because even though it is true that this is how I want to use this blog -- to rewrite my thinking -- it also hit me because this is how I have treated myself in the past, but negatively. I made myself feel things about myself that were not true. I need to teach myself that these thoughts AREN'T true. Odd, isn't it?

Anyway, these were the things I was thinking while I was back on the treadmill again (I couldn't help but also hear in my head Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again," teehee!). I jogged for 1:55 and walked for 3 minutes. I burned 245 calories, went 1.900 miles, and it took me 42 minutes.

After I jogged, I sat down by my husband while he was at the computer. We talked about the infamous 6 pounds. Neither of us really believe it, but we said that even if it IS true, slacking up on the jogging won't make them go away. Plus, today my husband and I spent the day working on our farm (we raise commercial cattle), and he made a comment about something he noticed about me on the farm today. We had to walk around one of our fencelines because a calf had gotten out, and we had to find the hole in the fence. After walking around and fixing the fence, we walked straight up a steep hill (and it was not a tiny hill, let me assure you!) in order to get back to our truck in the fastest way possible. A month ago, I would not have been able to walk up that hill without seriously dragging, maybe even taking a break, and definitely wheezing. Today, I kept pace with him, and it wasn't until the very height of the hill that I started breathing heavy. He pointed that out to me tonight and told me how proud he was of me.

And you know what? I'm pretty proud of that, too. :)

Note to self: Don't let a teeny number stop you from your goals. The quest for the mile is in sight! :)

Posted in: farm, jogging, pride, self-motivation, treadmill on Saturday, August 1, 2009 at at 10:28 PM 3 comments