Infection

The dern cold turned into a sinus infection. I get one or two of these a year. Darn it! But I called in today sick, and I've gotten the doctor to phone me in some antibiotics, and I've got a sweet husband who is doing all he can to help me out around the house and to make me feel better.

But, while I've been wallowing around struggling to breathe through my nose, I've been wondering about infections. Did you know that when you look up "infection" in the dictionary (or on-line at www.m-w.com, since I am a nerd), the VERY FIRST definition of "infection" is: " the act or result of affecting injuriously." (Go ahead. Look it up.)

So, could bad thinking/bad thoughts/depression be, literally, an infection of the mind?

Could excess weight be considered an infection of the body?

Perhaps I have been infected for a long time, but instead of turning to anyone for help, I just sat and saturated in my own infections. And, you know, if infections are left untreated, anybody knows that they will eventually consume you, even until the point of death.

Scary. Thank goodness for jogging, and blogging, and medicine!

And now, I must go back to bed. Too much profound thinking in a mucousy head is dangerous, too.

Posted in: on Monday, August 31, 2009 at at 1:24 PM 5 comments  

The Bane of Going to Eight Different Schools This Week

The bane of going to eight different schools this week? You get exposed to the entire county's germs, no matter how much hand-washing you do!

And so I woke up sick today. Sore throat, fever.

We have been warned this school year that if we exhibit a) a fever, and/or either b) a cough or c) a sore throat, we are supposed to stay home for five to seven days. FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS?!? This is because of the H1N1 Virus, which is the stupidest name ever (and yes, when you are sick, "stupidest" is a word), so I will call it by its real name: Swine Flu.

Well, I KNOW I do not have Swine Flu -- I think I've had enough colds in my life to be able to tell the difference -- and I'm certainly not going to stay home for an entire week. Call me a rebel.

But as for today, lotsa liquids and resting. Gonna catch up on my Steven King book (an oldie called "Needful Things," which I've never read before). First headaches and now colds. Yes, the school year has begun.

Good news? Yesterday, when I wore my jeans on Casual Friday, I had to use the next tightest beltloop than I've ever had to use before. Maybe the successes aren't all in my head, despite the scale disagreeing with me.

Peace out, my friend. Thanks for dropping by. Next time bring some Chicken Soup. :)

Posted in: , , , on Saturday, August 29, 2009 at at 9:27 AM 0 comments  

Jogged for 3:05, Walked for 6

Thank you all for your kind comments on my blog yesterday. I think yesterday was kind of a breakthrough for me.

It has made me wonder why I am so fearful of this journey. Why does the idea of jogging for any greater increase in minutes scare me? That just doesn't make any sense ... it's what I want. I want to be able to jog and jog and be able to feel like I could jog forever. I have heard it is a wonderful, powerful feeling. But the idea of jogging 3:30, 4:00, 7:00 ... and 15:00??? What?!? I feel a panic deep in my stomach at the idea. But why??

It feels like I AM running, but not in the right kind of way. I'm running away from running ... ? Now, Auburn, that just doesn't make sense, girlie.

When I am actually jogging, all the worries of the world, of my job, of everything, slips from my mind momentarily. I just think of putting one foot in front of the other ... and only thinking about that slow-moving clock on the display screen. :)

But then I dread the next jog. I fear that I won't be able to do it. Why? Why do you do that, Auburn? So what if you can't jog for three minutes or whatever! Bet you could tomorrow, so just try today.

I feel like a fricken dual personality, and one half of my personality is a real Debbie Downer. And I feel like I keep grabbing her by the shoulders and keep giving her a good shake, and she just keeps moaning and crying about stuff.

Sorry for all the talking out loud. I am hoping that I will have an epiphany ... but not yet ...

So, for my stats tonight, as promised, I jogged 3:05, walked for 6. I went 2.200 miles, burned 362 calories, and it took me 51:00.

So... there may not be a jog tomorrow. I'm pulling a 12 hour day (7:00-7:00). Goodie. Yay for Open Houses! Blegh.

So ... if anyone can shed some light on my duality, I'd appreciate it. I don't want to be scared of the Mile.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." But he never had to run a mile.

Tacky, tacky.

Posted in: , , , on Wednesday, August 26, 2009 at at 9:15 PM 3 comments  

Jogged for 3, Walked for 6

I'm not going to lie to you. So here it is.

I woke up today, in that dark accursed hour that I had to get up to get to class on time and these were my first thoughts of the day.

I thought, "I can't run anymore. I'm too far gone. I haven't even jogged in three days, and it's not doing anything." I felt very conscious of my weight, every single pound of it.

I thought, "Everything that you THINK jogging has done ... the looser pants, the decrease in cellulite, the toning in the legs, the decrease of back folds ... they are all in your head. You have no proof. The scale says that you are stuck here. You think you are winning, but one day when you are brave enough to face the scale again, you will realize that you are not."

I thought, "It was a nice little diversion for a while, but we know the truth now. The tissue thin house of cards has fallen, your mighty fortress that you built to protect you from your past and to have a lookout for the future. It was nothing. You are nothing. You can't do this."

And I sat on the couch in my pajamas and cried, alone except for the hollow glare of the TV.

Part of me gave up.

Honestly, part of me ... a pretty large part of me ... decided the jogging days were over.

But another part of me, a thin little flame hardly bigger than a wisp of smoke, whispered, "Well, will giving up fix anything? Will giving up make the successes, real or imagined, continue?"

Pause.

"Will giving up let you be able to look back one day, even if you keep gaining and get to be three hundred pounds or more ... will giving up let you have the satisfying feeling of knowing that at least you TRIED, at least you knew you gave it all you had? Won't running allow you to at least look those judgmental people in the eye because you know that you didn't give up on you?"

I still wasn't wholly convinced. But then, in an odd sequence of events, I was able to check my blog before I left for work, and there were two sentences which were commented on my last blog which stuck with me all day:

Amy: "Good luck on the run." (Notice ... even though I didn't think you meant to say it this way, Amy, you weren't asking if there was going to BE a run. Which, actually, was just what I needed to hear.)

Maggie: "You're a great person, did you know that?"

And you know what? I had forgotten that, Maggie. Giving up on myself was letting that great person down, because it wasn't giving her a chance to shine. I had to give myself a chance to show myself what I can do!!

And so ... this afternoon ... I FRIGGING JOGGED the FRIGGING THREE MINUTE MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what?? It wasn't so bad!!!

After I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror as I was standing on the treadmill and I looked dead in my eyes and said, "You did it! Three minutes!" And I cried, right there. Because I think the bad talk this morning was fear ... a fear of failure.

So here I am, sitting here at this computer, sweating and crying and just trying to understand all of these convoluted emotions. Such joy and such fear. But, also ... pride.

And I know I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, but you guys cannot know ... CANNOT know ... how much your comments mean to me.

My stats: I jogged for THREE MINUTES, walked for 6. I went 2.200 miles, burned 362 calories, and it took me 51:00.

Sitting here, I am remembering that I took up jogging for two reasons: 1) to battle weight loss, and 2) to battle depression. Well, this was the first real Round One with Depression, and I think I can chalk this one up as: Auburn, 1. Depression, 0. :)

And you know what else? I'm feeling so good, I think I might walk later on tonight. And I'm gonna jog THREE OH FIVE tomorrow!

So, High Fives all around! The Mile is in sight!!

Posted in: , , , on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at at 5:45 PM 4 comments  

Lola's Quest for Multiple Miles

Okay, so I'm going to tell you about Lola's afternoon yesterday. She had a big day!


I was still suffering from the aftereffects of the Migraine which leveled me for the weekend, but instead of it feeling like someone was trying to scoop my brain out of my head with an icepick through my temple, it had settled into a "comfortable" dull ache at the base of my skull. MUCH more do-able than the icepick thing. I still felt like someone had beat me up, though; I was sore all over, and really achy. So no running was had, but at least I didn't have to cancel my Bible class yesterday morning.

So yesterday afternoon, Phil said that he wanted to go to a local park and jog on the greenway. I immediately wanted to go; that sounded like so much fun! Phil said that he could jog and I could walk, and when he was done jogging, he could come back to wherever I was.

Well, I wasn't very comfortable with this idea because there are some shady characters that are sometimes on the greenway, and the greenway cuts through some fields, etc... kind of the "no one will hear you scream" mentality. So I said that I was fine with this, except I wanted to take Lola.

Here is Lola. She was so happy to be invited!


So we popped the tailgate of my SUV and herded her inside. Even though she has only been in the car a couple of times, mostly to go through traumatic occurances such as getting her shots and getting spayed, she was very eager to hit the road. She is the sweetest dog. I can't believe someone dumped her at our house. And whoever did that to her was very abusive to her, too. She has taken a long time to trust us, and there are still quirky things that we have to do to prove that we mean her no harm.

So we got to the park, which Lola had never been to before, and we hit the greenway! There were SOOO many new THINGS to sniff! Trees, trees, trees! So many peed-upon trees!!!

Now as I said before, she was not treated well by whomever had her before, but she and I have formed a special bond. She is very protective of me. She will only let Phil stand between me and her. Literally. If anyone else blocks her vision of me, she must get to a place where this is no longer an issue. If she CAN'T move to a place where she stands between me and The Stranger, then she barks urgently. Not that she would bite or anything ... she has never bitten anyone, never even HINTED at biting anyone. But, you know, I think if something actually DID happen to me and I was in trouble, and Lola could do something about it ... I really think she would.

So I was very interested to see how she would handle walking by so many Strangers. And sometimes, these Strangers would have Dogs. Stranger Dogs. Hmm...

So the first guy that we passed was a little old man out walking for exercise. Lola promptly moved so that she was between me and the old man, and her fur was bristled and her ears were at attention, and I was very surprised that when he was very close to us, she halfway growled at him ... almost a hiccup-growl. Like she didn't really mean anything, but she was letting us know she was On Alert. I had never heard her growl before at someone. I wondered if this was such a good idea. Perhaps it was Sensory Overload.

However, even though we passed by at least twenty other Strangers, she never growled, not once, not even close. She always moved between me and the Stranger, though, and she was On Alert from the moment she eyed them from afar.

When we encountered other dogs, she acted like she didn't even see them. She wasn't even tense. Sometimes the other dogs were barking at her like crazy, and she would eye them coolly like, "What's YOUR problem?" and move on. I thought this was VERY good dog behavior, especially considering how little interaction with other dogs she has. She got much love for that one.

When we were about a fourth of the way through our walk, there was a little girl (about 5 or 6 years old) who was by the big creek that runs alongside the greenway. She was fishing with her family. She ran up to us and asked so sweetly, "Can I pet your doggy?"

Phil and I looked at each other. Sure, Lola had never done anything before ... but would she today?

The mom yelled at us, "Aw, your dog looks just like Baby!" And the girl said, "I miss Baby. She died this summer." And choked back a sob.

"Sure you can pet her!" I said (how could I not?). "Just know that she's a little shy of strangers, so listen to me if I tell you to move away, okay?"

So I squatted down next to Lola, and as the little girl approached, Lola laid down right on the sidewalk, head between her paws. She was tense all over, obviously scared, but she was submissive. The girl pet on Lola for a few minutes, and Lola didn't budge. The girl, her family, and I talked about Baby and Lola and their similarities. Phil was also a bundle of nerves, ready to pounce if Lola tried anything. But when I saw her lay down, I knew we were fine.

Once the petting was over and Lola was free from the Strangers, she was very boisterous, jumping and trying to wrestle us, and running around and around us on her leash. She knew she had been a Good Dog.

We walked the entire length of the greenway and back. I think this was about 6 miles, maybe 7. (Phil, incidentally, never jogged, because he said he was enjoying the company too much.) Lola rode back in the car just as quietly as she came, and she was very tired when we got home.

So, I didn't jog, but I think it was a good trade. Plus, I am sore in parts of my legs that I am not normally sore. Maybe this changeup was a really good thing!

All right, well, I've put off going to do grocery shopping long enough. Perhaps the three minutes will be attained tonight? I'm not sure; I'll play it by ear. I might take it easy since I haven't jogged in a couple of days. Thanks for reading, friends!

Posted in: , on Monday, August 24, 2009 at at 4:11 PM 2 comments  

The Migraine Reigneth

Okay, in a brief period of lucidity, I thought I'd drop y'all a line ... let you know I've been leveled by my own brain. Stupid brainpower! Haha. Yeah, that's a weak joke. Maybe it's not lucidity after all.

Got a migraine last night. Phil was gonna take me out to eat. We were actually on our way to the restaurant and I said, "Maybe we ought to turn around" and proceeded to try to NOT empty the contents of my stomach in his car. I had a dull headache all day yesterday and it just amped up the volume startlingly fast. I collapsed on the bed like a sack of potatoes. I briefly remember Phil taking my shoes off.

Woke up with it today. Not as bad as last night but not dull, either. Today was a day of fasting and moving veeerrrrryyy sllllooooowllllyyy. Having times when I'm feeling pretty good and times when every noise and every source of light is almost unbearable. Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold. Meh.

Phil is on his way home. Oh thank goodness for the Renewer of Cool Rags Upon the Forehead!

No jog. No walking. But no vomiting, and no crawling. We must be proud of accomplishments on a sliding scale.

Okay, so that's where I am. In bed dreaming of the three minutes, and feeling a little angry at myself even though it's not my fault, really. At least it happened on a weekend, right? And not during the school week? Hate to cancel on my kids.

Time to go get horizontal again. This sitting at the computer is wearing me out.

Blegh. Maybe I'll sleep it off tonight ... ? Here's to hoping! Hate to cancel on my Sunday School class of kiddos, too.

Blegh.

Posted in: on Saturday, August 22, 2009 at at 7:50 PM 4 comments  

Jogged for 2:55, Walked for 5

This jog was brought to you by my husband, Phil, who saw me sitting at the computer last night (ironically reading weight-loss blogs) and asked in a not-so-innocent voice, "So ... have you done your jog today?" And I answered, "Yeeeesssss...?" in a voice which clearly said I-am-lying-to-you-but-I-hope-you-do-not-call-me-on-it, but he totally did. And with a deep sigh and a realization that he was totally right ... if not a little irritating ... I lugged myself to the treadmill.

It was rough, but it wasn't as bad as the night before. I have noticed today that I am sore on my thighs right above the knees (approximately in the area where resting my hands comfortably on the end of my thighs would be ... that entire handspan is sore!). Perhaps I am burning off that *attractive* doolap which folds over the top of the knee ... ? One can only hope!

Also, I learned something kind of neat about my treadmill. Before I started jogging, I played around with the "weight-loss" function that my treadmill offers. Supposedly, you can put in your weight and how many calories you want to burn, but it only allows you to work in a 20-minute timespan, so I was not interested in that. I had already punched in my weight, but I exited the program and did my jog as ususal. I was surprised that the calorie-counter was so very high last night! At first (my brain being depleted of oxygen since it was all going to my lungs to help me ... you know ... live), I thought, "Wow! Five seconds being added on here really made a HUGE difference!" And then I realized that it was actually calculating how many calories I am burning given my current weight (the treadmill was set for 150 pounds ... which is, incidentally, in my Dream World that is Future Auburn, my goal weight ... and that is a far cry from where I am now). I am skeptical of this counter ever since I read an article posted by Jenn which stated that these calorie-counters are over-inflated anyway ... which really depressed me ... thanks a lot, Jenn. :P (Oh, I'm just kidding. You know I heart you!) So I'm gonna report the calories burned as it told me, which is almost 100 calories more than it has been. Oh, well. It is what it is.

So, I jogged for 2:55, walked for 5 minutes. I went 2.173 miles, burned 359 calories, and it took me 50:00. At least I did it without stopping, though!

Well, tonight is the big THREE MINUTE MARK! I am friggin' excited! And friggin' scared! Why does getting fit have to be such a mental battle?! Wish me luck, friends! I will probably be jogging tonight after supper (Phil is offering to perhaps take me out on a date!), so I might not post again tonight if I'm too tired after the jog. We shall see. I will definitely let you know, though! Thanks for all of your continued support!!

Posted in: on Friday, August 21, 2009 at at 6:44 PM 6 comments  

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