The Quest for a Mile

Last night, I tossed and turned for hours, and I just couldn't fall asleep.

I just kept thinking of that look he gave me, and the way it made me feel.

We always eat lunch with my in-laws after church on Sunday afternoons. Normally this means eating out (and I have made heroic attempts to avoid this in the past, even bringing my own food, but my father-in-law, especially, is offended, and I have caved and just eat what everyone else eats, which only adds to the guilt spiral). Yesterday, however, we had "breakfast for lunch," which included bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, and cinnamon rolls. It was gooooood, but it was NOT healthy.

Everyone gathered up their plates of greasy goodness and ate in front of the TV, cheering on the local football team. I ate everything on my plate (which really wasn't that bad: 2 pieces of bacon, 1 piece of sausage, a couple of scoops of eggs, and 2 rolls), but I was still hungry. I sat there for about 15 minutes, hoping that the hunger would pass, but it didn't. So I went to go put my plate away, but there they were: an untouched pan of more cinnamon rolls. I stared at them. Well, we couldn't let them go to waste ... or get cold ... or whatever I told myself ... and I grabbed three and went back to my chair to eat them about as fast as I could.

When I sat down by my husband, he looked at my cinnamon rolls, and he looked me me so incredulously, and made a big show of it, looking at the plate, to me, then back to the plate. He proceeded to roll his eyes and shake his head. You could practically hear his thoughts, "You grabbed THAT much? You're gonna eat THAT much??" I never looked him in they eye ... I couldn't. I witnessed all of that out of the corner of my eye. And suddenly I had never needed that sweet, sticky food more in my entire life ... to keep myself from crying ... to keep the horrible thoughts at bay ... yes, I scarfed them down and almost got more. Meanwhile, my husband finished off all of the rest of the bacon and the sausage (which was far more than just a couple of pieces, let me assure you). The anger burned within me of his judgemental nature, when he has never been overweight -- or close to it -- for a day in his life. And I looked at the rest of the family in the room, who all ate as much as me if not more and they never exercise and they are all beanpoles. Phil's mother has even had doctors try to get weight ON her.

I felt sick at myself. Of myself.

And I know that I haven't been working hard enough to lose the weight.

So I laid there last night, remembering that moment when he looked at my plate, and I kept wallowing between despair and self-pity. Is social awkwardness worth this internal battle? What would be SO FRICKING BAD if I made my own dern lunch at times like this?

I remember Phil's grandmother, who told me about a year ago, "Well, you know, you're always gonna be big boned."

Grrr. No, I'm not! I will not be typecasted. I will fight this. I want my skinny self. I want my skinny clothes. I want my LIFE back.

I miss running with my increases of 5 seconds every time. I do. I miss it. It was easy to chart success. So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna start that again. From scratch. Yes, there is shame in starting from scratch, since I started this back in July and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. But it's a new dawn ... it's a new day ... and I'm getting nowhere NOT trying to do something about it.

I'm sorry if I've failed y'all ... I feel like starting over is failing myself ... but I've gotta try *something,* you know?

I did like the idea of cross-training, so I think I'm going to alternate every other day jogging and then something else (yoga, pilates, tennis, aerobic video, DDR, what-have-you). That'll keep it fresh, and improve my stamina in multiple ways instead of just one way.

I am also going to write down my food diary, not allowing myself to go to bed until I have at least written down everything I have eaten that day, and only allow Friday night to be my splurge meal. Friday night is date night. I look forward all week to Friday night. This means Sunday afternoon and Phil's family are just gonna have to get over it.

Somehow I knew that I would go through periods of success and failure once school started. The days are sporadic and my emotions are off the chart and exhaustion has begun to creep into my very bones. But this is important to me, and I know that I must make it routine in order for it to work for me. And, I figure as long as I still care, then I am not lost. As my mother once told me, "It's once you stop caring that you get in trouble."

So, I have a jogging date. This afternoon at 4:00. This is Jogging Time. Today is a new day. Yesterday's "sin"amon rolls are in the past, as well as the hurtful look. If I keep at it, this Auburn will be in the past one day, too.

I'm doing it for myself, because I think Future Auburn is worth it.

Posted in: cinnamon rolls, cross-training, hurtful looks, jogging, recommitment on Monday, September 28, 2009 at at 11:11 AM 4 comments  

Hello, hello! I am proud to announce that I received my very first award here in blogland this weekend, and I am so proud! Tammy awarded me the Honest Scrap award (now displayed proudly in my sidebar). The Honest Scrap award is given for "honesty and sincerity in blogging," according to my google search. So, I am all the more honored!

The rules for receiving the Honest Scrap award is that I must share ten interesting things about myself that y'all might not otherwise know. So, I'm totally gonna cheat and share a list that someone asked me to write of 25 random things about myself from one of those Facebook notes of yore. Some of it y'all know and some of it you don't, so just sit back and enjoy either way:

1. I collect carosel horses and coins. Actually, Phil and I spend every New Year's Day rolling all the coins that we accumulated in the past year. It is sacriledge to spend change.

2. I love new markers, and am a marker junkie.

3. When I was little, I thought it was a law that you had to color in coloring books from the first page to the last, not skipping any until the previous one was colored. Because of this, I often never got to the picture that I wanted most to color.

4. Speaking of law, when I was in first grade, I visited the Mammoth Cave National Park (though I didn't go inside Mammoth Cave ... long story). Anyway, I picked a couple of really pretty purple flowers, and then I found out a couple of months later that it was illegal to pick flowers at Mammoth Cave. I was terrified of cops for years, just *sure* that they knew I picked those flowers. I would duck down in the car seat if I saw one on the road.

5. I was freakishly tall as a child. In my kindergarten class picture, I look like I flunked kindergarten multiple times because I was literally head-and-shoulders above all the other kids. Later, I was taller than my 4th grade teacher, even. I really didn't feel comfortable with my height until college, and especially after I started dating Phil. (I am 5'11", and he is 6'2") It's so nice having a husband who considers me to be short ... er.

6. I am quite clumsy, but I don't think I was always this way. Maybe I was.

7. In my opinion, the two most abominable foods in the world are pineapple and coconut. Couple this with the fact that I cannot swim and I burn horribly and have a monstrous appetite, I would make a poor candidate for the show Survivor.

8. I was born with red hair, and then it turned blonde and curly, and then when I was about 11 it turned brown and straight. Now some of the red is sneaking back in again.

9. As much as I hate to say it, I hate to clean. I just really wish I liked it.

10. I really only drink coffee, water, and milk. Out of these things, the one I drink the most is milk. The milk MUST be skim -- anything thicker is just gross!!

11. I never even got asked out until I was in college.

12. I didn't go to prom. I wish now that I could have the opportunity to have a prom-ish experience (we didn't do any dancing at our wedding), but I still would not have gone to my prom.

13. I love to teach, but I do not like being a teacher. I wish I could have class and none of the rest of the junk.

14. I hurt my lower back playing tennis in college. It has drastically changed my life. Some days I can hardly walk, and it's all I can do to put on my shoes.

15. When I was in 8th grade I had jaw surgery because I had a severe overbite, and my jaw bone was rubbing against my skull and they were both deteriorating. They broke my lower jaw on both sides and I have a metal plate and four screws at both breaks. I was told that only a handful of people in the world have the specifc type of plate and screws in their jaw that I have! I was also the youngest client my surgeon had ever had.

16. My genuine hope in life is to be remembered fondly by all who have known me. Because of this, I try to be as friendly and helpful as possible. I hope I've done a good job!!

17. I used to spend my summers living with my grandparents in Arkansas so that I would have access to art lessons with a fantasic artist named Lois Hulse. I consider her to be the best art teacher I ever had. I hope maybe one day I can teach classes like Lois had.

18. My favorite color is blue. When I play games with my students, I always let them take the game piece color that they want first, and I'll take whatever I think no one will want. When my sixth graders found this out, they now always leave me the blue piece, despite my protests. I think this is one of the sweetest gestures in the world.

19. My first car was named Vincent can Gogh. (tee-hee!) My car now is named Claude Monet ... because he cost me a lot of mo-ney.

20. I hate wearing hats of any capacity.

21. My ears are not pierced. I have a pretty impressive collection of clip-on earrings -- thank you, Claire's and Cato!!

22. Even though I am right-handed, I wear my watch on my right wrist. I found out a couple of weeks ago on America's Most Wanted that this is abnormal of a right-handed person. That made me feel really weird.

23. I am cold natured ... VERY cold natured.

24. I didn't want to get my driver's license when I was 16 because I do not like to drive. I am a very nervous driver. And my job calls for a *lot* of driving. Stress!!

25. I love to sing, and I'm told all the time at church and such that I'm pretty good, but I hate to perform.

Okay, now that that's over, I have to do the second part of my Scrapper duty -- pick 10 blogs to also receive the award! I have never done this before, and I am excited to announce that all the blogs that I read are nominees ... but sadly, for now, there can only be 10 winners. Drumroll, please... they are ... (in no particular order) ...

1. Sharon at The Incredible Shrinking Sharon

2. Tammy at From Fat to Fab

3. Amy at The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom

4. Jack at Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit

5. Jenn at Watch My Butt Shrink

6. Karen at *FITCETERA*

7. Zaa at Zaababy -- The Incredible Shrinking Woman

8. Meg at Operation "Sexy Meggy"

9. Shauna at Veggie Tales

10. Katie at The Skinny on Getting Skinny

All rightie! Winners, feel free to steal my pic to post on your blog, since I stole it from Tammy who gave it to me. :) And I look forward to your "ten things," as well!

Much love for all the support! :)

Posted in: Honest Scrap on Saturday, September 26, 2009 at at 7:44 PM 7 comments  

I feel curiously optimistic about the next couple of days, even though they are going to be non-rountine:

~ I am actually "packing" (while blogging? *cough*) to go to a trip to a statewide gifted education conference. I will have to eat out and/or eat what is provided at the conference, but last year the food was very fancy ... and with tiny portions. And last year I also worked out at the conference, and I felt very proud of myself. I'd like to do that again this year. No temptation to snack. Feelin' pretty good about this.

~ Friday night Phil and I are gonna camp at our house site. There's nothing quite like waking up there. It's home. :)

~ Saturday morning we're going to see our HOUSE PLANS as drawn up by the architect based on what we want!! I am so excited, I could just about turn inside-out!!!

On the downside, I am nervous about seeing some of the people at the gifted ed. conference this year. I made a few friends last year, and I'm sure that they will notice that I weigh almost 50 pounds more than the last time they saw me. I feel shame and humiliation about that. I know that they won't say anything to my face, but I also know that they can't help but think something, perhaps say something to others. It's embarrassing. But, I keep telling myself that even though we are just a little more than acquaintances, if they are truly my friends then they won't really hold this against me. I *am* working on it.

I have also been distracted because there has been something tugging on my heartstrings ever since our cattle sale a couple of weeks ago. There was a pitiful little pony that was at the stockyards. Her mane and tail are all matted with burrs, and she is just in a pen that is full of weeds. I can't get her out of my mind. It's fairly obvious that no one wants her. I've been going over to visit her during my exercise time and giving her apples. She is very shy, but she is starting to warm up to me. She never wants me to go, even though when I'm there she acts like she doesn't really know what to do about me. I think she could be a real pet, and it's been a lifelong dream of mine to have a horse (or a pony, as the case may be). I've named her Esther, because if I get her, she'll have to endure 6 months of beauty treatments. Phil has promised to look into it, but I don't think he understands why I want to have her. It's hard for me to explain myself. I just know that, somehow, we need each other.

Here she is. What do you think? Isn't she doggone pitiful??

Posted in: distractions on Thursday, September 24, 2009 at at 8:42 AM 3 comments  

My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize for my post yesterday. It was not pleasant to write, nor, I am sure, was it pleasant to read. But I knew I had to do it. It was the thoughts that I had been hiding from everyone except myself, and I just had to ... well ... as I said ... vomit them out. And ... well, have you ever had a time when you *did* upchuck after fighting it so long, and after you did you felt worlds better? That's how I felt yesterday. I got all those sick thoughts out of me by ralphing all over my blog. And I *am* sorry for doing it, but just as I can be sick to my stomach, depression is a sickness too, and I'm doing my best to get well.

After I wrote that blog I felt a lot better, like I didn't have to keep thinking those thoughts because they were now written down ... almost like I had been afraid I would forget them. And I felt better than I had in days. It was like I had mentally fell down, and now I could officially pick myself back up and dust myself off and reassess where I am. And, you know, something else occurred to me, too.

I was wondering about why I feel like my life has gone wrong. It occurred to me that I have felt a loss of control in my life ever since about 6 months after Phil and I got married. Don't get me wrong -- I love Phil and my marriage is wonderful. It was just about 6 months after I got married that I realized that I wasn't going to be able to get money as an artist, and I had to get more creative with my life in order to get a paycheck. That made me feel uneasy, unsteady, and unreliable. Sometimes I had a good job, and sometimes I didn't (that's the way the subbing world goes). But even after I got my job, I knew instantly that this isn't what I want to do with my life, but in order to get the money I was shunted down this path. Loss of control.

I also realized that I feel a loss of control because we have not made steps toward getting our house built. As a starter home, we got a trailer for a great deal ($3000 -- priced to move!!), which sure beat the socks off of an apartment. And again, don't get me wrong, because in many ways living in this trailer has been sweet and endearing ... But I hate this stinkin' trailer, and I hate the stigma of living in a trailer, and I'm ready to live in my HOUSE instead of this glorified hand-me-down cardboard box. My husband has been less than motivated to get to work on the house, and anxiety has created a chokehold on me. I don't nag -- that's just not me. So I've waited. Loss of control.

As a quiet rebellion, though, I let my home get into a sad state of disarray. Well, actually, that's not true. It's gotten into a state of disarray for several reasons:
1) a quiet rebellion
2) Phil is extremely particular about his personal things and he gripes and mopes (sometimes for days) if I clean up after him, claiming he can't find anything. Over time, I gave up, and we had, as they call, a Mexican Standoff about the tidiness of the house
3) I'm tired when I get home from work and sometimes it's all I can do to make supper, let alone clean afterwards
4) The weekends are out because Phil wants me to come to the farm with him on Saturdays instead of clean (which I love coming to the farm, but it just wears me out, too), and cleaning on Sundays is out because we live too far away from our church to attend both services AND come home inbetween.
5) Even if I DO clean, it's still a nasty, moldy, falling-apart trailer from the late 1970's, and no amount of cleaning will ever make it feel *clean.*
5) Possibly the most important of all ... I hate cleaning, especially anything bathroom and/or sink related. Makes me gag. Ugh! I don't even like THINKING about it!!!
So, the long and short of it is that the house is an absolute pigsty, and Phil and I have argued more about the state of the house than ANYTHING else in our marriage. But when I walk into the house and there is stuff everywhere and not enough room to put it in because we are crammed into this little box, holding on to stuff that is supposed to fit inside our HOUSE that I don't even know where to begin. Loss of control.

Loss of control. Loss of control. Loss of control.

But eating?

I can dominate food. Easily.

I have made food my bitch in order to be in control of something.

If I haven't been happy, and I feel like I don't have a grip on anything, I can ravage the cupboard and show it who's boss. Nothing can hide from me. Nothing is safe from me. I can easily manipulate it to make it something that appeals to me. I can combine several ingrediants to create something that is delectably phenomenal. I can bend it to my will.

This was quite eye-opening for me.

And then I realized that even though I have used food to try to be in control of something, I have instead ended up out of control with yet another thing. Sad.

Well, after this epiphany, everything started coming up Auburn. Phil actually called me and told me to set up an appointment with the log home company, that he wanted to swing by tomorrow (which is today!!!) and show them our tentative plans ... and that maybe over my fall break we can look into home loans, and possibly break ground at the beginning of next year!!!!!!!!! It was answered prayer!!!!!!! Actually, as I'm typing this, he is probably there right now, and I CANNOT WAIT to know what happened!!!!!!!!

Then, I went to the grocery store and got the shopping done for the week (which, typically, in and of itself is a pretty big accomplishment for me), and I bought a Swiffer mop while I was there. Mops with buckets remind me too much of bathroom cleaning nastiness, so I have mopped maybe five times since we've lived here, I am ashamed to say. Well, I got the mop, and as soon as I got home, I mopped the floor. I felt so proud of myself! It felt so good to be clean. And then I did a load of laundry and completely cleaned up the kitchen and was so proud I was about fit to burst. I felt a satisfying feeling of control ... and I was actually BURNING calories!!

And to top it off, one of my co-workers loaned me a couple of exercise videos on Yoga, and I tried one of them out last night (featuring Bob from The Biggest Loser). It kicked my butt -- I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was -- but I felt so GOOD and RELAXED afterwards! I felt calm and in control. My house was clean(er), I had exercised, I had stayed within my fat grams for the day, and Phil had an appointment to get the ball rolling on our HOUSE!

And let me just say that y'all's comments yesterday were so sweet. I think I also felt calm because, even though I succumbed to the feelings and let it all out there, you guys stuck by me and still accepted me. That was very comforting, too. I have the best readers. :) You guys mean the world to me.

And as for now, I've gotta be running to my next class. I'll let you know about house developments!!!!!!

Posted in: control, house plans, loss of control, yoga on Tuesday, September 22, 2009 at at 8:24 AM 1 comments  

**WARNING: The following may make the score: Auburn, 1, Depression, 1. But I've gotta get this out of my system**

The past couple of weeks have been weeks of self-loathing. As much as I have tried to fight these thoughts, they keep swirling in my head, and I've just got to vomit them up here, like poison. I just can't hold it in any longer.

I think I sometimes hate the person I have become. I had dreams ... and goals ... and my whole life was mapped out in front of me. It was so easy; it was only a matter of getting there. I'm not sure where things went wrong ... I only know that they have. And I beat myself up for it.

I hate the girl that I see in the mirror. I used to love to have pictures taken of me. I used to love to go clothes shopping. Now I wear clothes that fit and don't even care if they match. I cannot wait for the winter to come so that I may wear thick ridiculous clothes and hide myself. I want to disappear. I want to hide so that no one will see me.

If I was to turn into an animal today, I think I would be a mouse. Too timid, too shy to take charge of my own life. Abhorred by everyone, I scurry around in a mad dash of pseudo-productivity. I steal any dirty little tasty tidbit I can come across and hide in dark shadows, munching alone. My sole purpose in life is apparently to pack on the pounds and to hide from everyone, including myself.

I want to lose weight, and I've been trying to lose weight, but something is wrong. It's not coming off. I have let that voice inside of me tell me that I'm doomed, that I can't fix this. I've been trapped into too many social obligations where I must eat fattening food, and as I wolf it down as fast as I can so that it's over, I hear a husky whisper inside my head chortling, "Go on, you fat pig. Keep it up. It's what you deserve."

Panic.

Anxiety.

Fear.

Dejection.

Lonliness.

And I eat. And I eat. And I eat. Trying to fill that hole in my heart. That hole eaten away by cancerous thoughts.

I find myself recoiling from success stories, angry and bitter ... at myself, I guess. I want to work hard and lose 4 pounds in a week, too! I want to work hard all week and then blow it for an afternoon and still lose 2 pounds, too! I want to be like my sister-in-law whom I sat next to in church yesterday, who looks so healthy and beautiful in an effortless manner -- I think the diameter of both of her thighs maybe equaled the diameter of one of mine. I hated myself for it. I want to succeed! I'm so ANGRY at myself for not succeeding! But I don't know what to do!

I feel so pitifully alone and like the fattest person I know. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to live life. I feel trapped.

I have a memory that has floated to the top of my mind for the last several days. There was a cow that Phil and I used to have named Smut. Smut accidentally fell in a ditch and her head was downhill (meaning that all the blood rushed to her head); she couldn't get up by herself and was stuck for a couple of days before we found her. Even though she was still alive, she had already started to bloat up, like dead animals will do. After my husband and I dragged her out into the field, Phil grabbed all of our needles out of the truck (that we use to administer shots to the cows) and stuck the needle-ends into her side. Then, he and I pushed all of the air out of her stomach, slowly and meticulously, through the needles. The smell was awful (for, she had literally been rotting inside while she was still alive), but she almost reduced her size by half. I wish it was that easy, that someone would stick a whole bunch of needles in me and push out all of my extra weight. (Incidentally, two days later, Smut was still alive, but she was seizuring on the ground and in tremendous pain, having never been able to get back up, and she was the first cow Phil ever had to put down.) Sometimes I feel as sick as Smut was, and yet, just like Smut, I've done it to myself.

Guilt.

Pain.

Anger.

Shame.

I can't give up. I won't give up. But when will it end? How do I fix this? If I could just see a loss, I wouldn't feel such hopelessness. I must be patient and give it time. I must adhere to my food diary.

I seriously need help.

Please help me.

Posted in: self-loathing on Monday, September 21, 2009 at at 11:48 AM 4 comments  

Hello, all! I'm still here! I have been uber-busy ... trying not to let the stress get to me! Sometimes, when you're so busy, you have to let things slide, and I have let my blog slide. But here I am, and thank goodness it's Friday! Am I right?!?

Okay, several updates:

~ Last night I speed-walked for 30 minutes with intermitant pickups. This means that I go from walking at a pace that is challenging but I can still talk to a pace that is really pushing it for minute bursts. I didn't think that this would be too bad, but dang yo! I am sore in my boutwa and in the backs of my thighs today!! Must've been doing more than I thought! As for my stats, it took me 40:00 (with a 5 minute warm-up and a 5 minute cool-down), I went 1.874 miles, and I burned 234 calories.

~ Last night we also came out of the Dark Ages here at our house and upgraded to High Speed Internet. I am so flippin' excited! I immediately watched a video on YouTube because I stinkin' COULD. Fair thee well, Dial-up. :)

~ Tonight, Phil and I are going to the State Fair. There have been reports on the news that this may be the last State Fair we will ever have; attendance has been declining over the past several years and they will probably sell the fairgrounds after this year. So we're gonna go experience it and say goodbye, I guess. We've never been to the Fair together before, so it's a whole new type of date for us. Mostly we're going to see the animal exhibits ... neither of us do carnival rides.

Umm ... I feel like there's more, but I guess that's it for now. Phil and I bought a heifer at last week's auction, and I named her Pretty Lady, as in "Hey, Pretty Lady won'tcha gimme a sign / I'd give anything to make you mine o' mine." (Brownie Points to you if you can Name That Tune!)

All right, if I think of anything more, I'll add it. Thanks, friends! :)

Posted in: high speed internet, speed-walked, State Fair on Friday, September 18, 2009 at at 8:45 AM 1 comments  

When I realized that I was truly worried about the calorie and fat gram content in dove meat, since it is what I'm having for supper.

Wonder if getting one with shot still in it adds any extra calories ... ?

Posted in: dove meat, redneck on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at at 6:12 PM 4 comments