Perhaps a slightly defensive post...
After I posted yesterday, and I was consumed with longing for my children and my future, I strangly felt better. It was as if I remembered the person that I want to be, instead of floundering around in a daze. So, I jumped on that treadmill, and I was back to jogging. Ohhh, yeeahh! It felt so good! I am embarrassed to admit the tiny incriment that I was running (*coughcoughranfor50secondswalkedfor2minutescoughcough*), but you know what? It was HARD. And today, I am SORE. And yesterday, it was ALL I COULD DO ... so at the same time, I feel ashamed that I couldn't do more, but I am proud that I got it done, and I did it well.
Now, for a potporri of thoughts, to let you in on a few more things...
~ The last couple of days have really, truly, been terrible. My dad was let go from his job due to financial issues, and my parents are really scared about the future. The sad thing is, this is the second time this year; he was let go from another company due to finances back at the beginning of February.
~ On a slightly lighter note but still adding to the mess, I've been emailing back and forth with my uncle whom I barely know, wanting to get to know him better, and he was really rude and hurt my feelings. So much for admiring him my entire life.
~ I can't get Esther the pony. The man who bought her at the stockyard said she is not for sale, and he finally took her to his home, so I can't even visit her. I miss her, but I hope that she's happy.
~ There was a comment left on my blog a couple of days ago that really bothered me, chastising me on my use of the word "diet." For the last few days I've been mulling this over, and I would like to say in response that I agree with what was said, and I wish that I did think that way, but I am not there yet. It is all the harder when I am surrounded by people who rather openly treat dieting as a punishment. I can't help but feel shame that I must be so careful with what I eat. And, you know, if you're stomach is growling all the time, it IS a punishment, and that is hard. Also, when you are struggling to keep self-mutilation and/or suicidal thoughts at bay, just fighting against that dark depression (which, for those of you who don't know, I have been diagnosed with depression, and that's partly why I started trying to run, to learn to cope with it and control it), slipping up a couple of times with one or two negative thoughts is a step up. I'm trying my hardest, and this blog is my safe place. Thank you for your concern, and thank you for your support, but meet me where I am and help me get to where I need to be. Fair enough? :)
Okay, I feel better now that THAT is all out in the open.
Lola and I went for a wicked long walk this afternoon. It was simply gorgeous -- 80 degrees, warm breeze, sunny skies. We took the "yellow route," and once that was over, we walked a couple of miles down the road to go admire my uncle-in-law's horses and walked back. Lola was so tired she was dragging along a little behind me, pink tongue lolling out of her mouth. She'll sleep good tonight!!
All right, I'm gonna duck out for tonight. Thank you, guys, for all of your wonderful comments and support. :)
Posted in: dieting, dog walking, jogging, rough jogs on Thursday, October 8, 2009 at at 5:48 PM
I was wondering if you were going to reply to my comment :)
When I was obese back in high school I was suffering from depression, self mutilation, and had suicide idealization, so I know where you are coming from, and can very much relate.
I am glad my post made a slight impression, and look forward to following you along in your journey.
Oh, good. I'm glad we understand each other, and that you know where I'm coming from. Thank you, new-found friend. :)
I just left Kyle a comment on his blog about his lack of sensitivity. I know that you guys are past it, but it just struck me the wrong way. Some people respond wonderfully to the tough love approach and some people don't. I don't. Love ya' girl. :)
And you can find my response to her on my latest post if you are interested.
Sorry it struck you the wrong way Tammy. Luckily I was not commenting on a post of yours or I would have really gotten a scolding.
And my comment was extremely sensitive to her situation. Not that it is any of your business.
Thanks so much for the encouragement - your husband was absolutely right, and his comment is a very wise one that I need to remember.
Great post. I'm really inspired by your courage to be honest in your struggles, both to yourself and to this blog. And I totally get what you mean by the blog being a safe place to vent things that seems more open and released than a private journal for-your-eyes-only.
I'm proud of you for confronting your depression, for your boldness in taking up running as a weapon against it, and your tenacity in sticking with your running program (and other weight loss goals) when it's great and when it's rough! Thanks for being my teammate :)
Hi Good to meet you too.
I think it's wrong to leave a message that disses someone's approach or mindset. If you think they are wrong in their approach or thinking then you can point it out, but sensitively.
But generally I think you need, as you rightly said, to meet someone where they are.
Fact is most people on a diet are going to be hungry at least at some point because that's just basic biology and to say you don't like hunger is only natural. That's why dieting is so hard after all.
Personally, I applaud your honesty. If someone else is able to create the calorie deficit without hunger then bully for them. But it's not helpful for someone not to acknowledge your pain. Or in other words to deny your truth, your experience.
Your feelings about dieting are totally valid, and most people in my experience feel that way at least some of the time - even if they don't admit it.
Have a lovely weekend,
Bearfriend xx
Hi JA I absolutely love the title "Jogging Auburn, btw) Yeah - good for you for speaking your truth. I'm with Bearfriend ( as I usually am!) that it's not necessary to critique another's choice of words, etc. I'm glad your post previous to this one helped you feel better. Blogging is amazing that way. I just had a sort of "poor me" rant, but I also feel better!
Sorry about your dad's job. These are really tough times. My husband has his own business but the economy has sent it into the crapper, and he's having a tough time finding work. Take care!
Was the awful rude uncle my Dad? What did he say? I'm so sorry! Please let me know if I need to talk with him, I would be more than happy to do so-- feel free to message me on FB, if needed. :( I'm sorry this post was written at such a rough time. I support you!
p.s. The drinking water post was very good. :) gatorade is awesome, because it keeps your electrolytes in check, as well. :) Keep on truckin!