The Quest for a Mile

So, today, I got home from a very long day, wary of the even longer day that I know I'm going to have to have tomorrow, and I was feeling sorry for myself in general. (Tomorrow is going to be one grueling meeting after another, most of which seem to revolve around either my incompetence as a teacher since I can't seem to satisfy this insurmountable workload, or committees which will be discussing eliminating my job altogether. I have a bad feeling that I will be lucky to get through the day tomorrow without crying ... and I can't tell you how much I dread that.) So I got dressed in my workout clothes with all the speediness of a snail, and lowered my treadmill to the ground, and stared at it.

Nope. How can you run with a dead battery? No. I wussed out.

So I took Lola for a walk, with my tail between my legs. I had some thinking to do.

With the autumn breeze blowing, and walking out in the fields with my wiggly little black lab puppy, I had this following thought:

How can I be Jogging Auburn if I don't jog?

Does that just make me Auburn?

Is being Just Auburn working for me? .... no.

So, then, I'm a hypocrite. Not living up to my name. The name I gave myself for this moment, to remind myself that that is who I want to be, even if it is not who I am.

How can I continue to blog about the Quest for a Mile if I'm scared to jog? If I'm too drained to jog?

So I got home, and decided that I needed to jog again. But I also knew in my heart of hearts that I am starting off with a battery that is much more drained than back in the summer, which I enjoyed the delicacy of regular sleeping habits and lack of stress.

And I also remembered that I promised myself back in the day that I would not make myself jog at a pace that seemed unattainable, that was not fun, that was too hard. And I simply knew that I could not jog for one minute increments.

And then I briefly felt disgusted.

And then I picked myself back up again and thought, "Well, what CAN you do? Can you jog for 30 second increments?"

And I decided that surely I could jog for thirty seconds at a time.

And I thought that I need to pursue that Quest again. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO RUN A MILE! So, I am going to jog every day, at what I can do that day, until I can jog for 2 minute increments. Then I will begin to add in cross-training.

So, I jogged tonight. Jogged for 30 seconds, walked for 2 minutes. I only was able to go a little over thirty minutes before I got dizzy enough that I almost fell off the treadmill, and I remembered that I wouldn't push myself beyond what was safe/attainable, so I gave it a rest.

It is a Start. It is a Renewal. It is a Beginning. It is the Quest.

And I can do this. One step at a time.

With y'all's help, of course. :)

Posted in: discouragement, dog walking, jogging on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at at 8:52 PM 7 comments  

After I posted yesterday, and I was consumed with longing for my children and my future, I strangly felt better. It was as if I remembered the person that I want to be, instead of floundering around in a daze. So, I jumped on that treadmill, and I was back to jogging. Ohhh, yeeahh! It felt so good! I am embarrassed to admit the tiny incriment that I was running (*coughcoughranfor50secondswalkedfor2minutescoughcough*), but you know what? It was HARD. And today, I am SORE. And yesterday, it was ALL I COULD DO ... so at the same time, I feel ashamed that I couldn't do more, but I am proud that I got it done, and I did it well.

Now, for a potporri of thoughts, to let you in on a few more things...

~ The last couple of days have really, truly, been terrible. My dad was let go from his job due to financial issues, and my parents are really scared about the future. The sad thing is, this is the second time this year; he was let go from another company due to finances back at the beginning of February.

~ On a slightly lighter note but still adding to the mess, I've been emailing back and forth with my uncle whom I barely know, wanting to get to know him better, and he was really rude and hurt my feelings. So much for admiring him my entire life.

~ I can't get Esther the pony. The man who bought her at the stockyard said she is not for sale, and he finally took her to his home, so I can't even visit her. I miss her, but I hope that she's happy.

~ There was a comment left on my blog a couple of days ago that really bothered me, chastising me on my use of the word "diet." For the last few days I've been mulling this over, and I would like to say in response that I agree with what was said, and I wish that I did think that way, but I am not there yet. It is all the harder when I am surrounded by people who rather openly treat dieting as a punishment. I can't help but feel shame that I must be so careful with what I eat. And, you know, if you're stomach is growling all the time, it IS a punishment, and that is hard. Also, when you are struggling to keep self-mutilation and/or suicidal thoughts at bay, just fighting against that dark depression (which, for those of you who don't know, I have been diagnosed with depression, and that's partly why I started trying to run, to learn to cope with it and control it), slipping up a couple of times with one or two negative thoughts is a step up. I'm trying my hardest, and this blog is my safe place. Thank you for your concern, and thank you for your support, but meet me where I am and help me get to where I need to be. Fair enough? :)

Okay, I feel better now that THAT is all out in the open.

Lola and I went for a wicked long walk this afternoon. It was simply gorgeous -- 80 degrees, warm breeze, sunny skies. We took the "yellow route," and once that was over, we walked a couple of miles down the road to go admire my uncle-in-law's horses and walked back. Lola was so tired she was dragging along a little behind me, pink tongue lolling out of her mouth. She'll sleep good tonight!!

All right, I'm gonna duck out for tonight. Thank you, guys, for all of your wonderful comments and support. :)

Posted in: dieting, dog walking, jogging, rough jogs on Thursday, October 8, 2009 at at 5:48 PM 8 comments  

All right, I have been spot-on with my dieting the last couple of days, and I haven't been letting up. I have been VERY proud of myself. Today I hopped back up on that treadmill and ran for one minute, walked for three minutes, for a total of going a mile.

And then I heard the most pitiful barking outside. So I went to the window, and there was Lola staring right at me. "PLEEEEEASE take me for a walk!" her eyes begged. I was more than happy to oblige, and I decided to take my favorite "route" with her and to take pictures for you guys!

Now, please keep in mind that I am the world's worst picture-taker, so ... please be kind.

So here we are, standing right outside my driveway. Up ahead at the bend, we'll deviate from the pavement and go "off-roading," so to speak. :)

Here's the entrance to the gravel road we'll take...

The beginning to the middle of no-where ... this is where it starts getting interesting, friends...

Here is the barn, and the end of the gravel road. :)

I thought I'd let you take a peek of what is beyond the red barn ... just for appreciation of the view ... but we are not heading straight here. We are turning to the right...

(See! We're panning!) Just a little more to the right...

There we are! Straight ahead, forward march! (Well, not *exactly* forward march ... I just had to cheat the camera a bit to the side to avoid the sun blinding us all ... )

If you actually were walking here, this path actually snakes around a former corn patch that we cut down a couple of weeks ago to make into feed to give to our cows through the winter. I kind of miss walking next to those tall, haunting stalks.

Now turn at the corner...

Now go straight for as far as the eye can see! :)

Can't forget to check on our jogging partner! Lola was all wiggles. :)

All rightie, so we have reached the end of the corn patch, and we're getting ready to cross into the cattle pasture, which, unfortunately for you guys, does not have cows in it right now because we're letting the grass recover for winter.

So, go ahead! Crawl under the fence! YES, in the mud and everything! What? You don't want to? Pansy. Consider this a total workout. :)

Okay, so we crawled under the fence! Now that wasn't so bad, was it? Now we just walk along the fencerow, walk through the field, and we're home!

All right, we've walked along the fencerow, and here is the gate opening...

Through the gate...

Across the field...

... And we're HOME!

And Phil was happy to see both of us. Good ole Lola! She makes a good jogging partner for all of us!

Glad y'all could enjoy this walk with us. If you like it, I could do another trail, but I don't know how frustratingly graphic-heavy this was for y'all. :)

Posted in: dog walking on Wednesday, September 30, 2009 at at 6:25 PM 7 comments  

Posted in: diets, dog walking, jogging, trails on Monday, September 28, 2009 at at 8:05 PM 3 comments  

Wow, 1:30! It's hard to believe that it was less than a week ago that I was only jogging for one minute at a time, and worried that I might not have been able to do it! I am seriously feeling very proud of myself, because I have wanted to do this for a long time, and for the first time it feels attainable. Some days are harder than others, even in this short time span, but I've only grown, and I'm feeling great. :)

Okay, my stats this go-around: I jogged for 1:30, walked for three minutes. I burned 266 calories, and ultimately walked 2.098 miles. It took me 48 minutes.

Might I also add that I did this exercise bout after taking my dog Lola for a walk and playing around with her for about an hour? Our walks are intense -- probably 45 minutes of that was walking her. She LOVES to walk. Remember how I commented a couple of posts ago about how I bought a toy that allows me to throw her a tennis ball and I don't have to bend over so far to pick it up once she brings the ball back? Well, she is a great fetcher ... until about the 4th time. Then she is bored with it and wants to go for a walk! I couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't have a dog that would let me sit in a chair with a glass of cool ice tea and just let me occasionally throw her a ball to exercise her. But ohhhhhh no, she wants me involved! I laughed and figured that was probably what I needed anyway. She's my buddy so I can't stay mad at her. :)

Well, until tomorrow, guys! I'll be inching my way closer to running for 2 minutes at a time! Hooray!!

Posted in: accomplishments, dog walking, fetching, goals on Saturday, July 25, 2009 at at 9:21 PM 1 comments