Jogged for 3, Walked for 6
I'm not going to lie to you. So here it is.
I woke up today, in that dark accursed hour that I had to get up to get to class on time and these were my first thoughts of the day.
I thought, "I can't run anymore. I'm too far gone. I haven't even jogged in three days, and it's not doing anything." I felt very conscious of my weight, every single pound of it.
I thought, "Everything that you THINK jogging has done ... the looser pants, the decrease in cellulite, the toning in the legs, the decrease of back folds ... they are all in your head. You have no proof. The scale says that you are stuck here. You think you are winning, but one day when you are brave enough to face the scale again, you will realize that you are not."
I thought, "It was a nice little diversion for a while, but we know the truth now. The tissue thin house of cards has fallen, your mighty fortress that you built to protect you from your past and to have a lookout for the future. It was nothing. You are nothing. You can't do this."
And I sat on the couch in my pajamas and cried, alone except for the hollow glare of the TV.
Part of me gave up.
Honestly, part of me ... a pretty large part of me ... decided the jogging days were over.
But another part of me, a thin little flame hardly bigger than a wisp of smoke, whispered, "Well, will giving up fix anything? Will giving up make the successes, real or imagined, continue?"
Pause.
"Will giving up let you be able to look back one day, even if you keep gaining and get to be three hundred pounds or more ... will giving up let you have the satisfying feeling of knowing that at least you TRIED, at least you knew you gave it all you had? Won't running allow you to at least look those judgmental people in the eye because you know that you didn't give up on you?"
I still wasn't wholly convinced. But then, in an odd sequence of events, I was able to check my blog before I left for work, and there were two sentences which were commented on my last blog which stuck with me all day:
Amy: "Good luck on the run." (Notice ... even though I didn't think you meant to say it this way, Amy, you weren't asking if there was going to BE a run. Which, actually, was just what I needed to hear.)
Maggie: "You're a great person, did you know that?"
And you know what? I had forgotten that, Maggie. Giving up on myself was letting that great person down, because it wasn't giving her a chance to shine. I had to give myself a chance to show myself what I can do!!
And so ... this afternoon ... I FRIGGING JOGGED the FRIGGING THREE MINUTE MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!
And you know what?? It wasn't so bad!!!
After I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror as I was standing on the treadmill and I looked dead in my eyes and said, "You did it! Three minutes!" And I cried, right there. Because I think the bad talk this morning was fear ... a fear of failure.
So here I am, sitting here at this computer, sweating and crying and just trying to understand all of these convoluted emotions. Such joy and such fear. But, also ... pride.
And I know I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, but you guys cannot know ... CANNOT know ... how much your comments mean to me.
My stats: I jogged for THREE MINUTES, walked for 6. I went 2.200 miles, burned 362 calories, and it took me 51:00.
Sitting here, I am remembering that I took up jogging for two reasons: 1) to battle weight loss, and 2) to battle depression. Well, this was the first real Round One with Depression, and I think I can chalk this one up as: Auburn, 1. Depression, 0. :)
And you know what else? I'm feeling so good, I think I might walk later on tonight. And I'm gonna jog THREE OH FIVE tomorrow!
So, High Fives all around! The Mile is in sight!!
Posted in: bad thoughts, comments, giving up, overcoming on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at at 5:45 PM 4 comments
