The Quest for a Mile

Where have I been?

2009-10-28T15:40:00.013-05:00

Where have I been?

I don't know.

I've been here, but I haven't *been* here. Does that make sense?

The horrible meetings that I mentioned in my last post didn't go nearly as bad as I thought they would have gone. Both meetings dumped a crazy large amount of work on me that is due by Thanksgiving break. Why is it that they assume since I'm young and try to remain positive that I am invincible?? A Superwoman, if you will?? Cuz I sure enough AIN'T. 'Nuff said.

Tired of waking up extra-early (try 4:30) to get to work early (try 5:30 or 6:00) so that I can work on my paperwork, and I'm also tired of staying late (try getting home Monday night at 6:00) after a long day. Is it ever gonna get done? Oh, come on, Thanksgiving break!! I come home, make supper, and crash. Last night, I was seriously fighting falling asleep during Biggest Loser ... and then Abby left ... and I sobbed from sadness and exhaustion. Then it was off to bed for me!

So I've been dealing with the extra work, and denying my new mantra of exercise. Oh, the shame. I have avoided y'all because I feared 'fessing up. But here I am. And denying it isn't going to make it any better.

On the plus side, I *have* been good with my eating. I even ate a fat-free lunch on Sunday afternoon (which y'all know is huge), and even moreso, I did this AFTER I carried the rest of the family's lunch in my lap to the house. Those Arby's curly fries smelled so good they about drove me wild. But I didn't have a single one. Doesn't that count for something? :)

And since I try to remain positive, I'll let you know that my classes have been going fantastic. AND! It's very possible that I may be getting a horse! I've had the horse bug ever since I went horseback riding over fall break ... thinking about owning a horse has consumed me. It's like it suddenly clicked that horses are not mythical creatures, and I can own one just as good as anybody else. Well, last Saturday morning we went to an auction (of a farm selling out) and Phil bought me a box of horse tack for $20. There were halters, reigns, saddle bags, and blankets in there -- some of it brand-new! Very good sign. And he's conceded to going horse shopping with me a couple of times. I have absolutely fallen in love with a strawberry roan mare that is about a 2 hour drive away from where I live; we are going to go see her on Sunday afternoon. I am hoping so much that Phil will let me get her. I have my eye on a chestnut gelding for Phil, too (for after all, if you get one horse, you really need to get two, since they are such social creatures). I'm hoping it works out. But, if it doesn't, it doesn't. Just dreaming about it is a bright spot in my life right now. My mind drifts while I'm doing my paperwork.

Here are the horses I've got my eye on; what do you think?

This is the strawberry roan mare...

... and here is the chestnut gelding.

Sorry I'm making y'all endure my horse obsession right now, too. It's a pleasant distraction for me. :)

And as for now, since I can barely hold my eyes open and I've been yawning while writing this whole post (it probably isn't even coherent), I'ma gonna go take a nap, and then I hope to jog later on tonight.

Sorry I've been out of pocket, friends. I will try to do better, on all accounts.

I jogged!

2009-10-21T20:52:00.004-05:00

So, today, I got home from a very long day, wary of the even longer day that I know I'm going to have to have tomorrow, and I was feeling sorry for myself in general. (Tomorrow is going to be one grueling meeting after another, most of which seem to revolve around either my incompetence as a teacher since I can't seem to satisfy this insurmountable workload, or committees which will be discussing eliminating my job altogether. I have a bad feeling that I will be lucky to get through the day tomorrow without crying ... and I can't tell you how much I dread that.) So I got dressed in my workout clothes with all the speediness of a snail, and lowered my treadmill to the ground, and stared at it.

Nope. How can you run with a dead battery? No. I wussed out.

So I took Lola for a walk, with my tail between my legs. I had some thinking to do.

With the autumn breeze blowing, and walking out in the fields with my wiggly little black lab puppy, I had this following thought:

How can I be Jogging Auburn if I don't jog?

Does that just make me Auburn?

Is being Just Auburn working for me? .... no.

So, then, I'm a hypocrite. Not living up to my name. The name I gave myself for this moment, to remind myself that that is who I want to be, even if it is not who I am.

How can I continue to blog about the Quest for a Mile if I'm scared to jog? If I'm too drained to jog?

So I got home, and decided that I needed to jog again. But I also knew in my heart of hearts that I am starting off with a battery that is much more drained than back in the summer, which I enjoyed the delicacy of regular sleeping habits and lack of stress.

And I also remembered that I promised myself back in the day that I would not make myself jog at a pace that seemed unattainable, that was not fun, that was too hard. And I simply knew that I could not jog for one minute increments.

And then I briefly felt disgusted.

And then I picked myself back up again and thought, "Well, what CAN you do? Can you jog for 30 second increments?"

And I decided that surely I could jog for thirty seconds at a time.

And I thought that I need to pursue that Quest again. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO RUN A MILE! So, I am going to jog every day, at what I can do that day, until I can jog for 2 minute increments. Then I will begin to add in cross-training.

So, I jogged tonight. Jogged for 30 seconds, walked for 2 minutes. I only was able to go a little over thirty minutes before I got dizzy enough that I almost fell off the treadmill, and I remembered that I wouldn't push myself beyond what was safe/attainable, so I gave it a rest.

It is a Start. It is a Renewal. It is a Beginning. It is the Quest.

And I can do this. One step at a time.

With y'all's help, of course. :)

Update from Fall Break

2009-10-20T12:17:00.003-05:00

Whew! I'm back! Fall break was wonderful ... I got to catch up on some much-needed sleep, everyday was wonderful and exciting and new, and I was good. Watched what I ate, exercised when I could ... all in all, very good. :)

I found that since I was so busy, I seemed to eat a lot less than I normally would have (sometimes I accidentally skipped meals without even realizing it, which is very unlike me), and I have noticed that this week so far, even though I'm back to the ole grindstone, I am not as hungry. I hope that this is a trend that will stay!!

Incidentally, when Phil and I went to the log home company to talk about our house plans, we had a little excitement over the fireplace. We had noticed that our fireplace had been deleted in our last revision, and we thought it was just an oversight. Turns out, it was NOT an oversight: fireplaces do not come with the package. So we asked how much a wood-burning fireplace would cost to add ... the answer? "Oh, you're lookin' at probably between $25,000-$30,000." WHAT?!?! Does it really cost that much?! How does ANYONE have a fireplace if that's what they cost?!?

In other news, by way of exercise, I thought I'd let y'all know that last Friday I fulfilled a childhood dream of mine and went horseback riding for the first time (that really counts). I went with a couple of friends of mine named Catherine and Kristen. Catherine brought three of her own horses (but Kristen also has her own horses, incidentally). We took a five-mile trail in a local park, and even though it was drizzly and cold and my pony was pokey and liked to graze ... I still had the BEST time!! I was so, so happy to actually be horseback riding -- I thought my heart would burst from the pure joy of it. After it was over, Catherine let me brush the three horses down, and while she and Kristen were getting the brushes, I petted the horse I had ridden and found that I couldn't keep the tears at bay. I had wanted that moment my whole life, and it finally happened. I didn't want the trail to end! I didn't want that afternoon to ever be over, even though I couldn't feel my toes and my nose.

Catherine and Kristen were pleased that I enjoyed myself so much. Kristen even said that she's considering getting one of her horses broke so that we can ride together (only one of her horses is broken). I would love this more than words!

And GEEZ, was I SORE the next day!! I thought I wouldn't be able to sit down comfortably for a week!! What a workout, though! And it was so much fun!

Well, I've gotta be going. Got a parent-teacher meeting to attend (fun!). If all goes well, I hope to run this afternoon -- the Quest is Back ON!!

...Dizzy...

2009-10-15T09:54:00.002-05:00

Something weird happened to me last night. I have no explanation for it. It kind of scared me. But then again, I'm not that worried about it. Funny how you can feel both at the same time...

Well, I decided to try out the Deck of Cards workout. If you are not familiar with this workout, it goes like this: assign each suit an exercise task (last night I had hearts = jumping jacks, diamonds = squats, spades = sit-ups and clubs = push-ups), and shuffle the deck, placing it facedown. Whatever number is on the card is the number of reps you must do of that activity. (Incidentally, I made Aces a one-minute rest, and Jokers were a one-minute wall-sit).

Well, I wasn't feeling spot-on when I was getting ready to do this workout, but I thought, "No, you've just been sitting around all day, you need to get your butt in gear and burn some calories."

After I started working out, I had periods where I felt okay, and then periods where I got a little dizzy ... and then I started having what I could only describe as mini-blackouts. The entire "blackout" lasted for about a second: it started with a ringing in the ears, and it felt like the insides of my head dropped, and I lost vision for a fraction of a second, and then it was gone and I felt fine. (Remember, all that happened in a second's time.) It was so fast, I could be in the middle of my reps, and I didn't even have to stop. Part of me was thinking, "Hey, maybe you *should* stop," but other than those "pauses" I felt fine.

After the workout was over, those "blackouts" kept happening: when I was sitting down, when I was in the shower, when I was laying down. I didn't know what to do to make it stop. Phil got me a big glass of gatorade and I downed the whole thing -- didn't even know I was thirsty! -- and after that, they stopped. So, for now, I'm going with the theory that I was either dehydrated or my electrolytes were imbalanced, or both.

So, lesson of the day: Always Drink Your Water, Kids.

Today's lesson was brought to you by the letters H and O, and the number 2.

And as for now, I've gotta run. So many errands! But I hope y'all are taking care of yourselves, and drinking your water!!

Fall Break

2009-10-13T07:46:00.004-05:00

One of the perks of being a teacher is getting random, yet LONG breaks, and this week is fall break. Yippee!

The downside? I tend to put everything off UNTIL said break, and then my vacations become packed. I have something planned for every day this week, but it's all good. Today, for example, Phil and I are going over to the log home company to discuss more changes to our house plans. (That is always exciting!) And tomorrow we are going home loan shopping.

So I might not post (or make my commenting rounds) everyday as I ususally do because I will be running around town like a chicken with my head cut off, but rest assured that I have been spot on with my diet and my exercise, and I know/hope you are too!

Before I leave you, I'm gonna post a picture that a friend of mine helped me do yesterday (yesterday's task was to learn how to use Photoshop), and we altered the digital picture of the house plan that I bought to look more like what Phil and I want. It's pretty gimpy, and not completely cleaned up because she was just showing me how to use the tools, but it's still exciting. Enjoy! And I'll talk to y'all soon, m'friends.

Perhaps a slightly defensive post...

2009-10-08T17:48:00.002-05:00

After I posted yesterday, and I was consumed with longing for my children and my future, I strangly felt better. It was as if I remembered the person that I want to be, instead of floundering around in a daze. So, I jumped on that treadmill, and I was back to jogging. Ohhh, yeeahh! It felt so good! I am embarrassed to admit the tiny incriment that I was running (*coughcoughranfor50secondswalkedfor2minutescoughcough*), but you know what? It was HARD. And today, I am SORE. And yesterday, it was ALL I COULD DO ... so at the same time, I feel ashamed that I couldn't do more, but I am proud that I got it done, and I did it well.

Now, for a potporri of thoughts, to let you in on a few more things...

~ The last couple of days have really, truly, been terrible. My dad was let go from his job due to financial issues, and my parents are really scared about the future. The sad thing is, this is the second time this year; he was let go from another company due to finances back at the beginning of February.

~ On a slightly lighter note but still adding to the mess, I've been emailing back and forth with my uncle whom I barely know, wanting to get to know him better, and he was really rude and hurt my feelings. So much for admiring him my entire life.

~ I can't get Esther the pony. The man who bought her at the stockyard said she is not for sale, and he finally took her to his home, so I can't even visit her. I miss her, but I hope that she's happy.

~ There was a comment left on my blog a couple of days ago that really bothered me, chastising me on my use of the word "diet." For the last few days I've been mulling this over, and I would like to say in response that I agree with what was said, and I wish that I did think that way, but I am not there yet. It is all the harder when I am surrounded by people who rather openly treat dieting as a punishment. I can't help but feel shame that I must be so careful with what I eat. And, you know, if you're stomach is growling all the time, it IS a punishment, and that is hard. Also, when you are struggling to keep self-mutilation and/or suicidal thoughts at bay, just fighting against that dark depression (which, for those of you who don't know, I have been diagnosed with depression, and that's partly why I started trying to run, to learn to cope with it and control it), slipping up a couple of times with one or two negative thoughts is a step up. I'm trying my hardest, and this blog is my safe place. Thank you for your concern, and thank you for your support, but meet me where I am and help me get to where I need to be. Fair enough? :)

Okay, I feel better now that THAT is all out in the open.

Lola and I went for a wicked long walk this afternoon. It was simply gorgeous -- 80 degrees, warm breeze, sunny skies. We took the "yellow route," and once that was over, we walked a couple of miles down the road to go admire my uncle-in-law's horses and walked back. Lola was so tired she was dragging along a little behind me, pink tongue lolling out of her mouth. She'll sleep good tonight!!

All right, I'm gonna duck out for tonight. Thank you, guys, for all of your wonderful comments and support. :)

The Dream

2009-10-07T13:03:00.003-05:00

I wrote this a while back, and it's been on my mind a lot lately, and I thought I'd share. Kind of been having a string of bad days, and I've got to recenter myself. Sometimes, the best way to do that is to focus on your goals, and remember why you are striving so hard again.

Thanks for all the support, guys. Kind of really need it right now. Thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband Phil and I are wanting to build a house on our beautiful land that just so happens to be so very far away than where we currently are living. The house is the dream -- a very distant dream that sometimes seems so teasingly close that it hurts. When I close my eyes, I can see it so clearly...

When I see it in my mind, it is early morning, because when Phil and I camp on the building site, this is the time of day that I can pretend that we do, in fact, live there. A fresh sunrise coming up right over that distant hill, and cool dew is on every leaf and blade of grass. The air is fresh and wet and green, just as it should be on a country farm. And there is our house: a farm style log house, with three dormer windows and a wrap-around porch causing a sleepy-looking roof line around the front. On that wrap-around porch I can already sense the destiny of sipping ice tea on hot summer nights, watching the fireflies and slapping at mosquitoes. I can imagine frosty winter sunrises over a hot cup of coffee, and firey autumn sunsets full with the confetti of fall leaves. Outside the house crickets chirp and cattle low, and inside the house there is laughter and the sound of little feet. There are soft places to fall, hard chairs to pay bills, things to clean and things to cook, but outside of every window is the farm that God gave us, and inside every room is love. Our house is denim and sunshine, a strange mixture of reality and fantasy.

I can see Phil and the kids playing football in our front yard, with the dogs playing both referee and linebacker. I can picture yelling at the kids to not climb that tree or don't jump out of the barn, full of anger and relief and laughter all at the same time. I can see us, the whole family, walking with our fishing poles, barefoot down the stream, ready to relax next to the fishing pond and maybe grill what we catch for supper that night. I can picture playing hide-and-go-seek with the children, giggling and running and ducking behind tree trunks, and perhaps having secret locations be given away by curious kittens or calves. I can almost see the kids camped out in the treehouse, with the flashlights shining like dim light sabers, cutting through the dark summer night. I can picture myself painting in my dream studio, blaring my music and creating beauty. The kitchen is warm and blue and sparkly and smells like crescent rolls or pumpkin pie. And all the pet animals we will have! -- cats, dogs, horses, cows, donkeys, goats, pigs, chickens, rabbits! It simply wouldn't be a farm without these things, and little baby animals that need bottle feeding, even on snowy mornings.

I can see all these things so clearly ... if only imagination could bring things into reality, then the house would exist. But then I open my eyes and look around at the little trailer that is so far away from the farm, a place where our stuff is but is not quite a home. It is achingly distant from the farm and the future and the kids. These days will be endearing in the years to come, and even here there is happiness and love, but it is not the dream.

If home is where the heart is, our home is on that little hill with the sunrise and the dew, even if that is all that is there right now.

Sunday Luncheon with the In-laws

2009-10-06T11:02:00.002-05:00

All rightie, as I expressed in a post about a week ago, my husband and I always eat lunch with my in-laws after church on Sundays, and this usually involves eating fast food of some kind. When I was last on my diet, I did not eat the fast food; I ate something low fat instead that I brought myself. Well, my father-in-law especially always seemed offended that I did this, and over time I eventually gave in and started eating what the family was eating again.

Well, I told Phil that I simply could not do this anymore. I needed to knuckle under and eat what I *needed* to eat in order to get back on track and to get this weight off. He agreed with me, saying that he had been worried about me (I think we were both thinking of the cinnamon rolls when he said this).

Our church building is located right next door to a Kroger store, so after church let out Phil and I went to Kroger's to find me something that would be okay for me to eat. I made my selection (fat free hot dogs and fat free potato chips ... perhaps not the best of choices but I was feeling a little sorry for myself all the same and needed that comfort food). So we went over to my in-laws' house, and Phil announced that I was eating my own food today.

My mother-in-law said, "Awww ... that's very .... admirable."

I was acutely aware of the pregnant pause before the word "admirable." Made me wonder if "admirable" was code for a completely different word.

So, then, the family began to figure out what they were going to eat, and Phil suggested Pizza Hut. This was especially cruel because pizza is my favorite food. I burst out, "If y'all get Pizza Hut, I think I will just cry!" Everyone laughed, even though I was serious as a heart attack, and they finally settled on Arby's.

Now, fast food choices at their house is built around the idea that the restaurants are selected due to the coupons in that week's browser, and Phil's dad began to rifle through the drawer looking for the Arby's coupons. He did not find them. He asked Phil to look. Phil could not find them, either.

And then, in a moment when they couldn't decide what to do, Phil's dad said, quite seriously, "Well, we might have to make Auburn cry."

I felt an overwhelming feeling of despair and anger at these words. Here I am, trying so hard to be good, surrounded by people who were blessed with thin genetics and could eat solid sticks of butter for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and never gain a pound ... and they are going to torture me. And then I thought that I couldn't believe that I didn't have enough will power to fight pizza when I had perfectly fine hot dogs to eat. And then I wondered if I was really going to be able to do this every week.

And then the family decided on Taco Bell. I was relieved. Taco Bell is not a favorite choice of mine even under the best of circumstances. It would be easy-peasy to isolate myself from that.

So the family ate their Taco Bell, and I ate my food, and I feel like it was about as good as a success as I could hope for.

I long for my own house that we can go to after church services are over, and we don't have the fast food fight, and I can cook something delicious and healthy for lunch.

So there it is. I didn't analyze it, I didn't sugarcoat it, I just told it. Was it a win?

Over the Top Awards!

2009-10-05T08:46:00.002-05:00

I have been blessed to have been given the Over the Top award (now displayed proudly in my sidebar), but with "the joy of obligation comes the burden of responsibility," as Hank Hill would say. So in these few minutes before I leave for class I'll try to fulfill my duties.

Here is a survey of questions that I must answer in one-word responses. This shall be extremely difficult for me, but I shall try!!

1)Where is your cell phone? charging
2)Your hair? long
3)Your mother? complicated
4)Your father? cocky
5)Your favorite food? pizza
6)Your dream last night? confusing
7)Your favorite drink? coffee
8)Your dream/goal? heaven
9)What room are you in? bedroom
10)Your hobby? painting
11)Your fear? failure
12)Where do you want to be in six years? ... motherhood?
13)Where were you last night? cleaning
14)Something that you aren't? ... short
15)Muffins? chocolate
16)Wish list item? house
17)Where did you grow up? South
18) Last thing you did? email
19) What are you wearing? sweater
20) Your TV? bulky
21)Your pets? several!
22)Friends? ... yes?
23)Your life? hiatus
24)Your mood? anxious
25)Missing someone? hubby :)
26)Vehicle? Claude
27)Something you are not wearing? shoes
28)Your favorite store? Ross
29)Your favorite color? blue
30)When was the last time you laughed? today
31)Last time you cried? Friday
32)Your best friend? Phil
33) One place I go to over and over? farm
34)One person who e-mails me regularly? ... schoolboard >:(
35)Favorite place to eat? "out"

All rightie, that was difficult! And perhaps even more difficult is that now I must pick only 6 recipients of the Over the Top award. So, here we go!

Sharon at The Incredible Shrinking Sharon
Tammy at From Fat to Fab
Amy at The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom
Leslie at Something Brilliant is Brewing
Tricia at Fight Fat Phobia
Lori-Ann at Amazon Runner

All rightie, thank you for the award, and enjoy the award yourself! All the blogs I read are over the top!!

And for my faithful readers, I will post this afternoon, along with a breakdown of the Dreaded Sunday Lunch with the In-Laws. Toodles!!

Take a Virtual Walk with Jogging Auburn and Lola!

2009-09-30T18:25:00.028-05:00

All right, I have been spot-on with my dieting the last couple of days, and I haven't been letting up. I have been VERY proud of myself. Today I hopped back up on that treadmill and ran for one minute, walked for three minutes, for a total of going a mile.

And then I heard the most pitiful barking outside. So I went to the window, and there was Lola staring right at me. "PLEEEEEASE take me for a walk!" her eyes begged. I was more than happy to oblige, and I decided to take my favorite "route" with her and to take pictures for you guys!

Now, please keep in mind that I am the world's worst picture-taker, so ... please be kind.

So here we are, standing right outside my driveway. Up ahead at the bend, we'll deviate from the pavement and go "off-roading," so to speak. :)

Here's the entrance to the gravel road we'll take...

The beginning to the middle of no-where ... this is where it starts getting interesting, friends...

Here is the barn, and the end of the gravel road. :)

I thought I'd let you take a peek of what is beyond the red barn ... just for appreciation of the view ... but we are not heading straight here. We are turning to the right...

(See! We're panning!) Just a little more to the right...

There we are! Straight ahead, forward march! (Well, not *exactly* forward march ... I just had to cheat the camera a bit to the side to avoid the sun blinding us all ... )

If you actually were walking here, this path actually snakes around a former corn patch that we cut down a couple of weeks ago to make into feed to give to our cows through the winter. I kind of miss walking next to those tall, haunting stalks.

Now turn at the corner...

Now go straight for as far as the eye can see! :)

Can't forget to check on our jogging partner! Lola was all wiggles. :)

All rightie, so we have reached the end of the corn patch, and we're getting ready to cross into the cattle pasture, which, unfortunately for you guys, does not have cows in it right now because we're letting the grass recover for winter.

So, go ahead! Crawl under the fence! YES, in the mud and everything! What? You don't want to? Pansy. Consider this a total workout. :)

Okay, so we crawled under the fence! Now that wasn't so bad, was it? Now we just walk along the fencerow, walk through the field, and we're home!

All right, we've walked along the fencerow, and here is the gate opening...

Through the gate...

Across the field...

... And we're HOME!

And Phil was happy to see both of us. Good ole Lola! She makes a good jogging partner for all of us!

Glad y'all could enjoy this walk with us. If you like it, I could do another trail, but I don't know how frustratingly graphic-heavy this was for y'all. :)

Walked and Ran and Dieted

2009-09-28T20:05:00.003-05:00

Well, I stuck to my diet today, as hard as it was. I got soooo hungry this afternoon, but I overcame ... just kept thinking about Thin Auburn.

So at 4:00 I started jogging on the treadmill, and due to some unusual circumstances, I got interrupted when I was about halfway done. I got dragged outside, and while I was out there, Lola was about ready to turn inside-out from high-strung energy. So, I decided that I would finish out by taking her for a long walk and jog.

Now, here is an old picture of my street, with our three possible walking routes highlighted:

The Red option is just walking on the pavement and back, which round-trip is about 1.2 miles. The Yellow path goes through the vegetable patch and along the corn patch. The Orange Path goes by another corn patch and through a cattle field. The Orange Path is probably my favorite, when the mosquitoes aren't bad.

Well, Lola was so high-strung, and I seriously needed to burn some calories, that we walked and jogged BOTH the Yellow and the Orange Path! We were both tired by the time we got back, but it felt really good.

There was more about the walk that I wanted to say ... about the actual routes themselves and such ... but I'm exhausted and I've gotta go grab a shower and Phil wants to get on the computer to work on his cattle records (he's a modern day cattle rancher ^^). So I'm gonna cut it short for tonight, but I love the support that y'all have given me, and I look forward to going through this amazing journey together, friends!

New Dawn, New Day

2009-09-28T11:11:00.004-05:00

Last night, I tossed and turned for hours, and I just couldn't fall asleep.

I just kept thinking of that look he gave me, and the way it made me feel.

We always eat lunch with my in-laws after church on Sunday afternoons. Normally this means eating out (and I have made heroic attempts to avoid this in the past, even bringing my own food, but my father-in-law, especially, is offended, and I have caved and just eat what everyone else eats, which only adds to the guilt spiral). Yesterday, however, we had "breakfast for lunch," which included bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, and cinnamon rolls. It was gooooood, but it was NOT healthy.

Everyone gathered up their plates of greasy goodness and ate in front of the TV, cheering on the local football team. I ate everything on my plate (which really wasn't that bad: 2 pieces of bacon, 1 piece of sausage, a couple of scoops of eggs, and 2 rolls), but I was still hungry. I sat there for about 15 minutes, hoping that the hunger would pass, but it didn't. So I went to go put my plate away, but there they were: an untouched pan of more cinnamon rolls. I stared at them. Well, we couldn't let them go to waste ... or get cold ... or whatever I told myself ... and I grabbed three and went back to my chair to eat them about as fast as I could.

When I sat down by my husband, he looked at my cinnamon rolls, and he looked me me so incredulously, and made a big show of it, looking at the plate, to me, then back to the plate. He proceeded to roll his eyes and shake his head. You could practically hear his thoughts, "You grabbed THAT much? You're gonna eat THAT much??" I never looked him in they eye ... I couldn't. I witnessed all of that out of the corner of my eye. And suddenly I had never needed that sweet, sticky food more in my entire life ... to keep myself from crying ... to keep the horrible thoughts at bay ... yes, I scarfed them down and almost got more. Meanwhile, my husband finished off all of the rest of the bacon and the sausage (which was far more than just a couple of pieces, let me assure you). The anger burned within me of his judgemental nature, when he has never been overweight -- or close to it -- for a day in his life. And I looked at the rest of the family in the room, who all ate as much as me if not more and they never exercise and they are all beanpoles. Phil's mother has even had doctors try to get weight ON her.

I felt sick at myself. Of myself.

And I know that I haven't been working hard enough to lose the weight.

So I laid there last night, remembering that moment when he looked at my plate, and I kept wallowing between despair and self-pity. Is social awkwardness worth this internal battle? What would be SO FRICKING BAD if I made my own dern lunch at times like this?

I remember Phil's grandmother, who told me about a year ago, "Well, you know, you're always gonna be big boned."

Grrr. No, I'm not! I will not be typecasted. I will fight this. I want my skinny self. I want my skinny clothes. I want my LIFE back.

I miss running with my increases of 5 seconds every time. I do. I miss it. It was easy to chart success. So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna start that again. From scratch. Yes, there is shame in starting from scratch, since I started this back in July and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. But it's a new dawn ... it's a new day ... and I'm getting nowhere NOT trying to do something about it.

I'm sorry if I've failed y'all ... I feel like starting over is failing myself ... but I've gotta try *something,* you know?

I did like the idea of cross-training, so I think I'm going to alternate every other day jogging and then something else (yoga, pilates, tennis, aerobic video, DDR, what-have-you). That'll keep it fresh, and improve my stamina in multiple ways instead of just one way.

I am also going to write down my food diary, not allowing myself to go to bed until I have at least written down everything I have eaten that day, and only allow Friday night to be my splurge meal. Friday night is date night. I look forward all week to Friday night. This means Sunday afternoon and Phil's family are just gonna have to get over it.

Somehow I knew that I would go through periods of success and failure once school started. The days are sporadic and my emotions are off the chart and exhaustion has begun to creep into my very bones. But this is important to me, and I know that I must make it routine in order for it to work for me. And, I figure as long as I still care, then I am not lost. As my mother once told me, "It's once you stop caring that you get in trouble."

So, I have a jogging date. This afternoon at 4:00. This is Jogging Time. Today is a new day. Yesterday's "sin"amon rolls are in the past, as well as the hurtful look. If I keep at it, this Auburn will be in the past one day, too.

I'm doing it for myself, because I think Future Auburn is worth it.

Honest Scrap Awards

2009-09-26T19:44:00.005-05:00

Hello, hello! I am proud to announce that I received my very first award here in blogland this weekend, and I am so proud! Tammy awarded me the Honest Scrap award (now displayed proudly in my sidebar). The Honest Scrap award is given for "honesty and sincerity in blogging," according to my google search. So, I am all the more honored!

The rules for receiving the Honest Scrap award is that I must share ten interesting things about myself that y'all might not otherwise know. So, I'm totally gonna cheat and share a list that someone asked me to write of 25 random things about myself from one of those Facebook notes of yore. Some of it y'all know and some of it you don't, so just sit back and enjoy either way:

1. I collect carosel horses and coins. Actually, Phil and I spend every New Year's Day rolling all the coins that we accumulated in the past year. It is sacriledge to spend change.

2. I love new markers, and am a marker junkie.

3. When I was little, I thought it was a law that you had to color in coloring books from the first page to the last, not skipping any until the previous one was colored. Because of this, I often never got to the picture that I wanted most to color.

4. Speaking of law, when I was in first grade, I visited the Mammoth Cave National Park (though I didn't go inside Mammoth Cave ... long story). Anyway, I picked a couple of really pretty purple flowers, and then I found out a couple of months later that it was illegal to pick flowers at Mammoth Cave. I was terrified of cops for years, just *sure* that they knew I picked those flowers. I would duck down in the car seat if I saw one on the road.

5. I was freakishly tall as a child. In my kindergarten class picture, I look like I flunked kindergarten multiple times because I was literally head-and-shoulders above all the other kids. Later, I was taller than my 4th grade teacher, even. I really didn't feel comfortable with my height until college, and especially after I started dating Phil. (I am 5'11", and he is 6'2") It's so nice having a husband who considers me to be short ... er.

6. I am quite clumsy, but I don't think I was always this way. Maybe I was.

7. In my opinion, the two most abominable foods in the world are pineapple and coconut. Couple this with the fact that I cannot swim and I burn horribly and have a monstrous appetite, I would make a poor candidate for the show Survivor.

8. I was born with red hair, and then it turned blonde and curly, and then when I was about 11 it turned brown and straight. Now some of the red is sneaking back in again.

9. As much as I hate to say it, I hate to clean. I just really wish I liked it.

10. I really only drink coffee, water, and milk. Out of these things, the one I drink the most is milk. The milk MUST be skim -- anything thicker is just gross!!

11. I never even got asked out until I was in college.

12. I didn't go to prom. I wish now that I could have the opportunity to have a prom-ish experience (we didn't do any dancing at our wedding), but I still would not have gone to my prom.

13. I love to teach, but I do not like being a teacher. I wish I could have class and none of the rest of the junk.

14. I hurt my lower back playing tennis in college. It has drastically changed my life. Some days I can hardly walk, and it's all I can do to put on my shoes.

15. When I was in 8th grade I had jaw surgery because I had a severe overbite, and my jaw bone was rubbing against my skull and they were both deteriorating. They broke my lower jaw on both sides and I have a metal plate and four screws at both breaks. I was told that only a handful of people in the world have the specifc type of plate and screws in their jaw that I have! I was also the youngest client my surgeon had ever had.

16. My genuine hope in life is to be remembered fondly by all who have known me. Because of this, I try to be as friendly and helpful as possible. I hope I've done a good job!!

17. I used to spend my summers living with my grandparents in Arkansas so that I would have access to art lessons with a fantasic artist named Lois Hulse. I consider her to be the best art teacher I ever had. I hope maybe one day I can teach classes like Lois had.

18. My favorite color is blue. When I play games with my students, I always let them take the game piece color that they want first, and I'll take whatever I think no one will want. When my sixth graders found this out, they now always leave me the blue piece, despite my protests. I think this is one of the sweetest gestures in the world.

19. My first car was named Vincent can Gogh. (tee-hee!) My car now is named Claude Monet ... because he cost me a lot of mo-ney.

20. I hate wearing hats of any capacity.

21. My ears are not pierced. I have a pretty impressive collection of clip-on earrings -- thank you, Claire's and Cato!!

22. Even though I am right-handed, I wear my watch on my right wrist. I found out a couple of weeks ago on America's Most Wanted that this is abnormal of a right-handed person. That made me feel really weird.

23. I am cold natured ... VERY cold natured.

24. I didn't want to get my driver's license when I was 16 because I do not like to drive. I am a very nervous driver. And my job calls for a *lot* of driving. Stress!!

25. I love to sing, and I'm told all the time at church and such that I'm pretty good, but I hate to perform.

Okay, now that that's over, I have to do the second part of my Scrapper duty -- pick 10 blogs to also receive the award! I have never done this before, and I am excited to announce that all the blogs that I read are nominees ... but sadly, for now, there can only be 10 winners. Drumroll, please... they are ... (in no particular order) ...

1. Sharon at The Incredible Shrinking Sharon

2. Tammy at From Fat to Fab

3. Amy at The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom

4. Jack at Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit

5. Jenn at Watch My Butt Shrink

6. Karen at *FITCETERA*

7. Zaa at Zaababy -- The Incredible Shrinking Woman

8. Meg at Operation "Sexy Meggy"

9. Shauna at Veggie Tales

10. Katie at The Skinny on Getting Skinny

All rightie! Winners, feel free to steal my pic to post on your blog, since I stole it from Tammy who gave it to me. :) And I look forward to your "ten things," as well!

Much love for all the support! :)

Distractions ... ?

2009-09-24T08:42:00.005-05:00

I feel curiously optimistic about the next couple of days, even though they are going to be non-rountine:

~ I am actually "packing" (while blogging? *cough*) to go to a trip to a statewide gifted education conference. I will have to eat out and/or eat what is provided at the conference, but last year the food was very fancy ... and with tiny portions. And last year I also worked out at the conference, and I felt very proud of myself. I'd like to do that again this year. No temptation to snack. Feelin' pretty good about this.

~ Friday night Phil and I are gonna camp at our house site. There's nothing quite like waking up there. It's home. :)

~ Saturday morning we're going to see our HOUSE PLANS as drawn up by the architect based on what we want!! I am so excited, I could just about turn inside-out!!!

On the downside, I am nervous about seeing some of the people at the gifted ed. conference this year. I made a few friends last year, and I'm sure that they will notice that I weigh almost 50 pounds more than the last time they saw me. I feel shame and humiliation about that. I know that they won't say anything to my face, but I also know that they can't help but think something, perhaps say something to others. It's embarrassing. But, I keep telling myself that even though we are just a little more than acquaintances, if they are truly my friends then they won't really hold this against me. I *am* working on it.

I have also been distracted because there has been something tugging on my heartstrings ever since our cattle sale a couple of weeks ago. There was a pitiful little pony that was at the stockyards. Her mane and tail are all matted with burrs, and she is just in a pen that is full of weeds. I can't get her out of my mind. It's fairly obvious that no one wants her. I've been going over to visit her during my exercise time and giving her apples. She is very shy, but she is starting to warm up to me. She never wants me to go, even though when I'm there she acts like she doesn't really know what to do about me. I think she could be a real pet, and it's been a lifelong dream of mine to have a horse (or a pony, as the case may be). I've named her Esther, because if I get her, she'll have to endure 6 months of beauty treatments. Phil has promised to look into it, but I don't think he understands why I want to have her. It's hard for me to explain myself. I just know that, somehow, we need each other.

Here she is. What do you think? Isn't she doggone pitiful??

Change of State of Mind, and Yoga!

2009-09-22T08:24:00.002-05:00

My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize for my post yesterday. It was not pleasant to write, nor, I am sure, was it pleasant to read. But I knew I had to do it. It was the thoughts that I had been hiding from everyone except myself, and I just had to ... well ... as I said ... vomit them out. And ... well, have you ever had a time when you *did* upchuck after fighting it so long, and after you did you felt worlds better? That's how I felt yesterday. I got all those sick thoughts out of me by ralphing all over my blog. And I *am* sorry for doing it, but just as I can be sick to my stomach, depression is a sickness too, and I'm doing my best to get well.

After I wrote that blog I felt a lot better, like I didn't have to keep thinking those thoughts because they were now written down ... almost like I had been afraid I would forget them. And I felt better than I had in days. It was like I had mentally fell down, and now I could officially pick myself back up and dust myself off and reassess where I am. And, you know, something else occurred to me, too.

I was wondering about why I feel like my life has gone wrong. It occurred to me that I have felt a loss of control in my life ever since about 6 months after Phil and I got married. Don't get me wrong -- I love Phil and my marriage is wonderful. It was just about 6 months after I got married that I realized that I wasn't going to be able to get money as an artist, and I had to get more creative with my life in order to get a paycheck. That made me feel uneasy, unsteady, and unreliable. Sometimes I had a good job, and sometimes I didn't (that's the way the subbing world goes). But even after I got my job, I knew instantly that this isn't what I want to do with my life, but in order to get the money I was shunted down this path. Loss of control.

I also realized that I feel a loss of control because we have not made steps toward getting our house built. As a starter home, we got a trailer for a great deal ($3000 -- priced to move!!), which sure beat the socks off of an apartment. And again, don't get me wrong, because in many ways living in this trailer has been sweet and endearing ... But I hate this stinkin' trailer, and I hate the stigma of living in a trailer, and I'm ready to live in my HOUSE instead of this glorified hand-me-down cardboard box. My husband has been less than motivated to get to work on the house, and anxiety has created a chokehold on me. I don't nag -- that's just not me. So I've waited. Loss of control.

As a quiet rebellion, though, I let my home get into a sad state of disarray. Well, actually, that's not true. It's gotten into a state of disarray for several reasons:
1) a quiet rebellion
2) Phil is extremely particular about his personal things and he gripes and mopes (sometimes for days) if I clean up after him, claiming he can't find anything. Over time, I gave up, and we had, as they call, a Mexican Standoff about the tidiness of the house
3) I'm tired when I get home from work and sometimes it's all I can do to make supper, let alone clean afterwards
4) The weekends are out because Phil wants me to come to the farm with him on Saturdays instead of clean (which I love coming to the farm, but it just wears me out, too), and cleaning on Sundays is out because we live too far away from our church to attend both services AND come home inbetween.
5) Even if I DO clean, it's still a nasty, moldy, falling-apart trailer from the late 1970's, and no amount of cleaning will ever make it feel *clean.*
5) Possibly the most important of all ... I hate cleaning, especially anything bathroom and/or sink related. Makes me gag. Ugh! I don't even like THINKING about it!!!
So, the long and short of it is that the house is an absolute pigsty, and Phil and I have argued more about the state of the house than ANYTHING else in our marriage. But when I walk into the house and there is stuff everywhere and not enough room to put it in because we are crammed into this little box, holding on to stuff that is supposed to fit inside our HOUSE that I don't even know where to begin. Loss of control.

Loss of control. Loss of control. Loss of control.

But eating?

I can dominate food. Easily.

I have made food my bitch in order to be in control of something.

If I haven't been happy, and I feel like I don't have a grip on anything, I can ravage the cupboard and show it who's boss. Nothing can hide from me. Nothing is safe from me. I can easily manipulate it to make it something that appeals to me. I can combine several ingrediants to create something that is delectably phenomenal. I can bend it to my will.

This was quite eye-opening for me.

And then I realized that even though I have used food to try to be in control of something, I have instead ended up out of control with yet another thing. Sad.

Well, after this epiphany, everything started coming up Auburn. Phil actually called me and told me to set up an appointment with the log home company, that he wanted to swing by tomorrow (which is today!!!) and show them our tentative plans ... and that maybe over my fall break we can look into home loans, and possibly break ground at the beginning of next year!!!!!!!!! It was answered prayer!!!!!!! Actually, as I'm typing this, he is probably there right now, and I CANNOT WAIT to know what happened!!!!!!!!

Then, I went to the grocery store and got the shopping done for the week (which, typically, in and of itself is a pretty big accomplishment for me), and I bought a Swiffer mop while I was there. Mops with buckets remind me too much of bathroom cleaning nastiness, so I have mopped maybe five times since we've lived here, I am ashamed to say. Well, I got the mop, and as soon as I got home, I mopped the floor. I felt so proud of myself! It felt so good to be clean. And then I did a load of laundry and completely cleaned up the kitchen and was so proud I was about fit to burst. I felt a satisfying feeling of control ... and I was actually BURNING calories!!

And to top it off, one of my co-workers loaned me a couple of exercise videos on Yoga, and I tried one of them out last night (featuring Bob from The Biggest Loser). It kicked my butt -- I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was -- but I felt so GOOD and RELAXED afterwards! I felt calm and in control. My house was clean(er), I had exercised, I had stayed within my fat grams for the day, and Phil had an appointment to get the ball rolling on our HOUSE!

And let me just say that y'all's comments yesterday were so sweet. I think I also felt calm because, even though I succumbed to the feelings and let it all out there, you guys stuck by me and still accepted me. That was very comforting, too. I have the best readers. :) You guys mean the world to me.

And as for now, I've gotta be running to my next class. I'll let you know about house developments!!!!!!

Self-Loathing

2009-09-21T11:48:00.002-05:00

**WARNING: The following may make the score: Auburn, 1, Depression, 1. But I've gotta get this out of my system**

The past couple of weeks have been weeks of self-loathing. As much as I have tried to fight these thoughts, they keep swirling in my head, and I've just got to vomit them up here, like poison. I just can't hold it in any longer.

I think I sometimes hate the person I have become. I had dreams ... and goals ... and my whole life was mapped out in front of me. It was so easy; it was only a matter of getting there. I'm not sure where things went wrong ... I only know that they have. And I beat myself up for it.

I hate the girl that I see in the mirror. I used to love to have pictures taken of me. I used to love to go clothes shopping. Now I wear clothes that fit and don't even care if they match. I cannot wait for the winter to come so that I may wear thick ridiculous clothes and hide myself. I want to disappear. I want to hide so that no one will see me.

If I was to turn into an animal today, I think I would be a mouse. Too timid, too shy to take charge of my own life. Abhorred by everyone, I scurry around in a mad dash of pseudo-productivity. I steal any dirty little tasty tidbit I can come across and hide in dark shadows, munching alone. My sole purpose in life is apparently to pack on the pounds and to hide from everyone, including myself.

I want to lose weight, and I've been trying to lose weight, but something is wrong. It's not coming off. I have let that voice inside of me tell me that I'm doomed, that I can't fix this. I've been trapped into too many social obligations where I must eat fattening food, and as I wolf it down as fast as I can so that it's over, I hear a husky whisper inside my head chortling, "Go on, you fat pig. Keep it up. It's what you deserve."

Panic.

Anxiety.

Fear.

Dejection.

Lonliness.

And I eat. And I eat. And I eat. Trying to fill that hole in my heart. That hole eaten away by cancerous thoughts.

I find myself recoiling from success stories, angry and bitter ... at myself, I guess. I want to work hard and lose 4 pounds in a week, too! I want to work hard all week and then blow it for an afternoon and still lose 2 pounds, too! I want to be like my sister-in-law whom I sat next to in church yesterday, who looks so healthy and beautiful in an effortless manner -- I think the diameter of both of her thighs maybe equaled the diameter of one of mine. I hated myself for it. I want to succeed! I'm so ANGRY at myself for not succeeding! But I don't know what to do!

I feel so pitifully alone and like the fattest person I know. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to live life. I feel trapped.

I have a memory that has floated to the top of my mind for the last several days. There was a cow that Phil and I used to have named Smut. Smut accidentally fell in a ditch and her head was downhill (meaning that all the blood rushed to her head); she couldn't get up by herself and was stuck for a couple of days before we found her. Even though she was still alive, she had already started to bloat up, like dead animals will do. After my husband and I dragged her out into the field, Phil grabbed all of our needles out of the truck (that we use to administer shots to the cows) and stuck the needle-ends into her side. Then, he and I pushed all of the air out of her stomach, slowly and meticulously, through the needles. The smell was awful (for, she had literally been rotting inside while she was still alive), but she almost reduced her size by half. I wish it was that easy, that someone would stick a whole bunch of needles in me and push out all of my extra weight. (Incidentally, two days later, Smut was still alive, but she was seizuring on the ground and in tremendous pain, having never been able to get back up, and she was the first cow Phil ever had to put down.) Sometimes I feel as sick as Smut was, and yet, just like Smut, I've done it to myself.

Guilt.

Pain.

Anger.

Shame.

I can't give up. I won't give up. But when will it end? How do I fix this? If I could just see a loss, I wouldn't feel such hopelessness. I must be patient and give it time. I must adhere to my food diary.

I seriously need help.

Please help me.

Speed-walked for 30 minutes with Pickups

2009-09-18T08:45:00.002-05:00

Hello, all! I'm still here! I have been uber-busy ... trying not to let the stress get to me! Sometimes, when you're so busy, you have to let things slide, and I have let my blog slide. But here I am, and thank goodness it's Friday! Am I right?!?

Okay, several updates:

~ Last night I speed-walked for 30 minutes with intermitant pickups. This means that I go from walking at a pace that is challenging but I can still talk to a pace that is really pushing it for minute bursts. I didn't think that this would be too bad, but dang yo! I am sore in my boutwa and in the backs of my thighs today!! Must've been doing more than I thought! As for my stats, it took me 40:00 (with a 5 minute warm-up and a 5 minute cool-down), I went 1.874 miles, and I burned 234 calories.

~ Last night we also came out of the Dark Ages here at our house and upgraded to High Speed Internet. I am so flippin' excited! I immediately watched a video on YouTube because I stinkin' COULD. Fair thee well, Dial-up. :)

~ Tonight, Phil and I are going to the State Fair. There have been reports on the news that this may be the last State Fair we will ever have; attendance has been declining over the past several years and they will probably sell the fairgrounds after this year. So we're gonna go experience it and say goodbye, I guess. We've never been to the Fair together before, so it's a whole new type of date for us. Mostly we're going to see the animal exhibits ... neither of us do carnival rides.

Umm ... I feel like there's more, but I guess that's it for now. Phil and I bought a heifer at last week's auction, and I named her Pretty Lady, as in "Hey, Pretty Lady won'tcha gimme a sign / I'd give anything to make you mine o' mine." (Brownie Points to you if you can Name That Tune!)

All right, if I think of anything more, I'll add it. Thanks, friends! :)

The moment I realized I was a redneck:

2009-09-15T18:12:00.002-05:00

When I realized that I was truly worried about the calorie and fat gram content in dove meat, since it is what I'm having for supper.

Wonder if getting one with shot still in it adds any extra calories ... ?

Speed-walked for 30 minutes

2009-09-14T21:46:00.003-05:00

Okay, as Sharon would say, here are my wins and fails:

Bad news first: fails ... my eating has totally been out of control. I have been fighting the anxiety and fear with the decisions that must be made about school. I am thinking about transferring schools, and I dread all the extra work, and I worry about the money, and I don't want to get a degree in something that I don't want to do, but if I don't go back to school, then I can't keep my job ... *pant pant pant* And I caved and ate something bad. And then I was like, well, I've already blown it today, what about eating *this* thing ... and then I eat more and more. And then the next day came, and it was like, well, I screwed myself over yesterday, it's still the weekend, so what did I do? Screwed myself over again is what I did. Yes. Weakness sucks. Now it's getting back on the wagon.

(Oh, there were so many cheeseburgers and barbeque to be had.... *shudders*)

But, I paid for my sins, because last night I got an acute case of food poisoning, and was ill today. I repented many times over. And Amy suggested that I read a book called Running for Mortals, and since I lost all of my running stamina when I got my sinus infection, I decided to take their running program to heart.

Wins: Even though I wasn't the best today, I still went to work, and even had my first IEP meeting that needed an interpreter. Interesting! And I did my exercising tonight. I speed-walked (or is it sped-walked?) for thirty minutes, and walked for five minutes at a slower pace afterwards. I stretched for about 10 minutes after that. Felt pretty good.

I want that mile, but I've gotta do it the slow, smart way.

Beef and Barbeque

2009-09-11T20:25:00.004-05:00

So my husband's side of the family is having a cattle sale to thin down the numbers of our herd ... and to, let's face it, bring in some cash. We have registered Hereford (pronounced "Her-ferd," at least 'round these parts) cattle, and they look like this:

(This bull's name was Mo. This is actually a photo that I took last summer while standing on my back deck. Are there any further questions about whether or not I live in the country???)

Anyway, it is amazing to me that whenever we go to a cattle auction, there are two choices of food: hamburgers, which are beef but called ham, and barbeque, which is pork but passes for beef. Neither of which are good when I'm trying to diet. I think I am doomed for tomorrow. But maybe our cattle will sell well! Here's to hoping. :)

Jogged for 1:30, Walked for 3

2009-09-09T21:27:00.003-05:00

Thank you, friends, for your kind words. I do not know if I am *cough* "gorgeous," but I do think of that picture as haunting. That girl is like a ghost ... but ... well ....

I have several things that I want to say tonight, several thoughts swirling through my head, but you know ... I won't. For two reasons:

1) Straight-up confession: I realized that I haven't been taking my anti-depression medication since Saturday night, and I don't think that my thoughts are fair. But I got the prescription refilled, give it a couple of days to kick back in and to regroup my thoughts, and then if I still feel this way, then I'll share.

2) This place is my Mental Safe Zone, and something inside me is just fighting against these thoughts. Something is telling me not to share. Tonight is not the time to be negative. Instead, I'm gonna think of something positive, because I really think it's more of what I need tonight.

So ... hmmm ... something good ....

Well, I was really good on my diet today. I only ate about 25 fat grams (I've written down all of my food and have a rough approximation, but I haven't made the final tally yet), and I jogged tonight for 1:30, and walked for 3. I went 2.098 miles, burned 348 calories, and it took me 48:00.

A really good thought ...

My students have been so awesome these past few days. I just love my kids. I don't guess I told you guys, but last Tuesday when I was so sick and I called in a sick day, I had to cancel a couple of my classes. The principal accidentally forgot to announce that the class was cancelled at one of my schools, and several of my students showed up for class. Well, 10 minutes into class and I still wasn't there, so one of my students called me at home to see if I was coming. This student, named Austin, is a senior in high school and kind of a hell-raiser, but he connects to me for some reason. He would be the kind of kid that would typically be THRILLED if his teacher didn't come to class. But there he was, on the phone, sounding all pitiful, and just said, "Are you coming to class today?" And I was like, "Oh, no, Austin, didn't the principal make the announcement?" And he responded with, "No. Why do you sound like a dude? You sick?" And I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've got a sinus infection. Can't come in today." And he said, "Okay. We were asked by the guidance counselor to help out with something, so we can do that to stay outta class" (see, what'd I tell ya? Hellraiser.) "but I hope you get to feeling better soon."

After I hung up, I realized how extraordinary that phonecall was. How many students call their teachers WANTING them to come to class? I tell you what, I've truly got the best students in the world.

And with that thought, and a smile on my face, I'm gonna call it a night, and go get my shower, and go to sleep.

Of Jogging, Dieting, and the Picture that Kept Me Going

2009-09-08T21:50:00.005-05:00

Short post. Feeling tired.

I was on track with my diet again today, and I just finished my jog. My stats were almost exactly the same as last night.

I was on the treadmill, and I just wasn't feeling it tonight. I just wanted to sit down and not think. And, for a second, I did. And then a picture floated into my head that made me get back up.

It was a photo of me my senior year of high school. In my mind, I think I still look like that girl. Sometimes I'm even shocked when I look in the mirror and she's not there, there's just this imposter who isn't as pretty. But if I worked hard at it, I could look like her again. I mean, heck, that wasn't even ten years ago! So I got my body back up on its feet, every single pound of what felt like lead, and finished the jog. I just kept thinking of her. I want to be her again.

To Auburn:

This is Her. And it could be You.

Don't give up on Her.

Jogged for 1, Walked for 2

2009-09-07T21:14:00.002-05:00

Back to jogging once again! I feel like crap, but I got it done. So much mucus! I'm just sick of being sick ... rebelling!! It was tiring, but it felt good to be moving again.

And the diet was on-track today, and that felt good, too. I bought a journal today to write down what I'm eating and to tally it all up. I have learned something about myself in the past couple of years: if I don't make it pretty, then I don't do it. (Perhaps it's the artist in me screaming to express itself!) You guys should see my lesson plan book; it's a freakin' work of art! :D The other teachers make fun of me, but I just know that if I didn't have a whole bunch of markers and pretty gel pens in order to jazz up the mundane, I find that I won't do it at all. So I had to get a new journal at the store today to excite myself about keeping up my food journal again. It has a kitty on the cover with its head tilted to the side, and I wrote a speech bubble beside its head that says, "Wow! You've lost HOW much?!?" (Yeah. I'm a nerd.) I've already made the first entry pretty; makes me proud ... especially the big blue letters at the bottom of the page that say "GOAL COMPLETED"!

For my stats, I jogged for 1 minute, walked for 2. I burned 343 calores, went 2.064 calories, and it took me 47:00. I also ate 27.5 fat grams today, and 1606 calories. Not bad, my friends!

The future scares me, but I'm trying not to let it *scare* me. Having a little control over the situation feels good. I can control my destiny.

That feels good to say. :)

Hittin' the Road and the Diet Plan

2009-09-07T13:19:00.003-05:00

Okay. Enough is enough. The diet is back on.

Back before I got this very stressful job, I was on a diet. I lost almost 50 pounds in six months. I was very proud of myself. I felt like I could accomplish anything if I set my mind to it.

Then I got this job and suddenly I had no time to do anything. I was working AND going to school, and I was literally going crazy. I sobbed in my sleep. I became very erratic. I had so many things being demanded of me, it was just too hard to keep writing down what I ate. Often, I was eating and doing something else. Never a good sign.

But, I thought I was invincible. I had lost almost 50 pounds. I wouldn't go back. I had been strong, my body had changed. I was naive.

So, over time, I loosened up on my eating. I gave myself reward treats to make myself feel better for all the work I was doing. I had a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I found was temporarily relieved if I was eating. I was hardly sleeping at night, trying to get everything done, and waking up before 5 to go to work the next day, and I also found that eating helped to keep me awake. Eventually, it wasn't so much what I could eat that was HEALTHY, it was what I could eat that was FAST. Sometimes I fell asleep immediately after eating supper ... yes, at 6:30 or 7:00 at night, only to be waken up by my husband so that I could go finish my homework.

All very bad signs, my friends.

Needless to say, here I am again at the weight before I even started, with a few extra pounds to boot, and I feel that despair creeping in again.

I am fearful because I know that anytime soon I need to call up my college and start school again, or else I won't be able to be hired again for next year (I have to show proof that I have taken college courses every school year in order to renew my temporary teaching license). I am handling the stress okay for now, but when that starts ... what then? I feel pre-emptive despair, and I can't let that happen. I will be jogging but if I don't change, I will also be eating enough for two or three people, and jogging just can't negate that.

And, after wallowing around for a week eating junk and not exercising ... I just *feel* fat. I feel weak. I feel ... inadequate. I hate feeling like that.

So, time to nip it in the bud. I'm keeping a food diary again. Gonna eat 30 fat grams or less per day. Gonna stick to it. Gonna start jogging again, now that I can finally breathe (though still not 100%).

Today it begins.

Sometimes it is not necessarily the changing that is important, but it is the courage it takes to begin the change.

I can't let it beat me. I must strike first.

Perhaps today is not Labor Day at all, but rather Independence Day.

So yesterday ...

2009-09-02T18:42:00.003-05:00

... I ate a whole pan of muffins because they were the only thing to keep my stomach from lurching from all of the infected mucus I had inadvertantly swallowed.

... I played video games until I got dizzy, literally, and then I'd go to bed, and I'd sleep until I got too ansty, and then I'd go play video games. Lather, rinse, repeat. I felt like such a mooching-bum teenager ... and it was even a game I've played before. Yeah. I'm a loser.

... I gave myself a french manicure, and it looked beautiful, until I sneezed and smudged a couple of my fingernails before they were almost dry.

... the weather was PERFECT outside and I got such cabin fever that I took a lawn chair out into Lola's pen and I threw a tennis ball to her. She has seriously improved on her fetching skills! But I was only able to last for about 20 minutes until I was exhausted and feverish again.

Plus side? (Um .... or .... rather .... "Positive" side *ahem*):

... Today I am feeling much better and I went back to work, and even worked overtime. (Even though I'm now beat!!) Thank goodness for Z-pack antibiotics!!

... I was so proud of my Lil' Lola, because she used to be very fearful of harsh voices, even if they were saying nice things, and a year ago she would've cowered at my cold-in-the-chest-induced-man-voice. However, she didn't even flinch, and she would fetch the ball and come lay her head in my lap for pettin's after every retrieval. It was like she knew I was doing the best I could and she was just happy to aim to please.

... I stepped on the scale today, and peeked through my fingers, fearful of all the bad food I have eaten over the past few days just to keep the room from spinning ... and it said I lost three pounds! It may be wrong, and it may be right, but at least, if it was fibbing, it was fibbing the *right* way!! At least it was a little of an ego boost. :)

Soon I feel like I will be good enough to get back on that treadmill tomorrow, even if it's just a gentle walk. But I thought I'd update y'all and let you know that I'm still here. I have ALSO been reading up on y'all's blogs, and let me just say that I have become associated with a fine, inspiring group of people!! I feel like I'm so far behind you guys, but I will catch up!! And I feel so honored that you check in with me and are cheering for me! Take heart, friends! The Quest may be on hiatus, but it won't be long now until the Journey is underway again!!

Thanks, everybody. Your comments mean so much to me!!! :)

Infection

2009-08-31T13:24:00.002-05:00

The dern cold turned into a sinus infection. I get one or two of these a year. Darn it! But I called in today sick, and I've gotten the doctor to phone me in some antibiotics, and I've got a sweet husband who is doing all he can to help me out around the house and to make me feel better.

But, while I've been wallowing around struggling to breathe through my nose, I've been wondering about infections. Did you know that when you look up "infection" in the dictionary (or on-line at www.m-w.com, since I am a nerd), the VERY FIRST definition of "infection" is: " the act or result of affecting injuriously." (Go ahead. Look it up.)

So, could bad thinking/bad thoughts/depression be, literally, an infection of the mind?

Could excess weight be considered an infection of the body?

Perhaps I have been infected for a long time, but instead of turning to anyone for help, I just sat and saturated in my own infections. And, you know, if infections are left untreated, anybody knows that they will eventually consume you, even until the point of death.

Scary. Thank goodness for jogging, and blogging, and medicine!

And now, I must go back to bed. Too much profound thinking in a mucousy head is dangerous, too.

The Bane of Going to Eight Different Schools This Week

2009-08-29T09:27:00.002-05:00

The bane of going to eight different schools this week? You get exposed to the entire county's germs, no matter how much hand-washing you do!

And so I woke up sick today. Sore throat, fever.

We have been warned this school year that if we exhibit a) a fever, and/or either b) a cough or c) a sore throat, we are supposed to stay home for five to seven days. FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS?!? This is because of the H1N1 Virus, which is the stupidest name ever (and yes, when you are sick, "stupidest" is a word), so I will call it by its real name: Swine Flu.

Well, I KNOW I do not have Swine Flu -- I think I've had enough colds in my life to be able to tell the difference -- and I'm certainly not going to stay home for an entire week. Call me a rebel.

But as for today, lotsa liquids and resting. Gonna catch up on my Steven King book (an oldie called "Needful Things," which I've never read before). First headaches and now colds. Yes, the school year has begun.

Good news? Yesterday, when I wore my jeans on Casual Friday, I had to use the next tightest beltloop than I've ever had to use before. Maybe the successes aren't all in my head, despite the scale disagreeing with me.

Peace out, my friend. Thanks for dropping by. Next time bring some Chicken Soup. :)

Jogged for 3:05, Walked for 6

2009-08-26T21:15:00.002-05:00

Thank you all for your kind comments on my blog yesterday. I think yesterday was kind of a breakthrough for me.

It has made me wonder why I am so fearful of this journey. Why does the idea of jogging for any greater increase in minutes scare me? That just doesn't make any sense ... it's what I want. I want to be able to jog and jog and be able to feel like I could jog forever. I have heard it is a wonderful, powerful feeling. But the idea of jogging 3:30, 4:00, 7:00 ... and 15:00??? What?!? I feel a panic deep in my stomach at the idea. But why??

It feels like I AM running, but not in the right kind of way. I'm running away from running ... ? Now, Auburn, that just doesn't make sense, girlie.

When I am actually jogging, all the worries of the world, of my job, of everything, slips from my mind momentarily. I just think of putting one foot in front of the other ... and only thinking about that slow-moving clock on the display screen. :)

But then I dread the next jog. I fear that I won't be able to do it. Why? Why do you do that, Auburn? So what if you can't jog for three minutes or whatever! Bet you could tomorrow, so just try today.

I feel like a fricken dual personality, and one half of my personality is a real Debbie Downer. And I feel like I keep grabbing her by the shoulders and keep giving her a good shake, and she just keeps moaning and crying about stuff.

Sorry for all the talking out loud. I am hoping that I will have an epiphany ... but not yet ...

So, for my stats tonight, as promised, I jogged 3:05, walked for 6. I went 2.200 miles, burned 362 calories, and it took me 51:00.

So... there may not be a jog tomorrow. I'm pulling a 12 hour day (7:00-7:00). Goodie. Yay for Open Houses! Blegh.

So ... if anyone can shed some light on my duality, I'd appreciate it. I don't want to be scared of the Mile.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." But he never had to run a mile.

Tacky, tacky.

Jogged for 3, Walked for 6

2009-08-25T17:45:00.003-05:00

I'm not going to lie to you. So here it is.

I woke up today, in that dark accursed hour that I had to get up to get to class on time and these were my first thoughts of the day.

I thought, "I can't run anymore. I'm too far gone. I haven't even jogged in three days, and it's not doing anything." I felt very conscious of my weight, every single pound of it.

I thought, "Everything that you THINK jogging has done ... the looser pants, the decrease in cellulite, the toning in the legs, the decrease of back folds ... they are all in your head. You have no proof. The scale says that you are stuck here. You think you are winning, but one day when you are brave enough to face the scale again, you will realize that you are not."

I thought, "It was a nice little diversion for a while, but we know the truth now. The tissue thin house of cards has fallen, your mighty fortress that you built to protect you from your past and to have a lookout for the future. It was nothing. You are nothing. You can't do this."

And I sat on the couch in my pajamas and cried, alone except for the hollow glare of the TV.

Part of me gave up.

Honestly, part of me ... a pretty large part of me ... decided the jogging days were over.

But another part of me, a thin little flame hardly bigger than a wisp of smoke, whispered, "Well, will giving up fix anything? Will giving up make the successes, real or imagined, continue?"

Pause.

"Will giving up let you be able to look back one day, even if you keep gaining and get to be three hundred pounds or more ... will giving up let you have the satisfying feeling of knowing that at least you TRIED, at least you knew you gave it all you had? Won't running allow you to at least look those judgmental people in the eye because you know that you didn't give up on you?"

I still wasn't wholly convinced. But then, in an odd sequence of events, I was able to check my blog before I left for work, and there were two sentences which were commented on my last blog which stuck with me all day:

Amy: "Good luck on the run." (Notice ... even though I didn't think you meant to say it this way, Amy, you weren't asking if there was going to BE a run. Which, actually, was just what I needed to hear.)

Maggie: "You're a great person, did you know that?"

And you know what? I had forgotten that, Maggie. Giving up on myself was letting that great person down, because it wasn't giving her a chance to shine. I had to give myself a chance to show myself what I can do!!

And so ... this afternoon ... I FRIGGING JOGGED the FRIGGING THREE MINUTE MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what?? It wasn't so bad!!!

After I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror as I was standing on the treadmill and I looked dead in my eyes and said, "You did it! Three minutes!" And I cried, right there. Because I think the bad talk this morning was fear ... a fear of failure.

So here I am, sitting here at this computer, sweating and crying and just trying to understand all of these convoluted emotions. Such joy and such fear. But, also ... pride.

And I know I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, but you guys cannot know ... CANNOT know ... how much your comments mean to me.

My stats: I jogged for THREE MINUTES, walked for 6. I went 2.200 miles, burned 362 calories, and it took me 51:00.

Sitting here, I am remembering that I took up jogging for two reasons: 1) to battle weight loss, and 2) to battle depression. Well, this was the first real Round One with Depression, and I think I can chalk this one up as: Auburn, 1. Depression, 0. :)

And you know what else? I'm feeling so good, I think I might walk later on tonight. And I'm gonna jog THREE OH FIVE tomorrow!

So, High Fives all around! The Mile is in sight!!

Lola's Quest for Multiple Miles

2009-08-24T16:11:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I'm going to tell you about Lola's afternoon yesterday. She had a big day!

I was still suffering from the aftereffects of the Migraine which leveled me for the weekend, but instead of it feeling like someone was trying to scoop my brain out of my head with an icepick through my temple, it had settled into a "comfortable" dull ache at the base of my skull. MUCH more do-able than the icepick thing. I still felt like someone had beat me up, though; I was sore all over, and really achy. So no running was had, but at least I didn't have to cancel my Bible class yesterday morning.

So yesterday afternoon, Phil said that he wanted to go to a local park and jog on the greenway. I immediately wanted to go; that sounded like so much fun! Phil said that he could jog and I could walk, and when he was done jogging, he could come back to wherever I was.

Well, I wasn't very comfortable with this idea because there are some shady characters that are sometimes on the greenway, and the greenway cuts through some fields, etc... kind of the "no one will hear you scream" mentality. So I said that I was fine with this, except I wanted to take Lola.

Here is Lola. She was so happy to be invited!

So we popped the tailgate of my SUV and herded her inside. Even though she has only been in the car a couple of times, mostly to go through traumatic occurances such as getting her shots and getting spayed, she was very eager to hit the road. She is the sweetest dog. I can't believe someone dumped her at our house. And whoever did that to her was very abusive to her, too. She has taken a long time to trust us, and there are still quirky things that we have to do to prove that we mean her no harm.

So we got to the park, which Lola had never been to before, and we hit the greenway! There were SOOO many new THINGS to sniff! Trees, trees, trees! So many peed-upon trees!!!

Now as I said before, she was not treated well by whomever had her before, but she and I have formed a special bond. She is very protective of me. She will only let Phil stand between me and her. Literally. If anyone else blocks her vision of me, she must get to a place where this is no longer an issue. If she CAN'T move to a place where she stands between me and The Stranger, then she barks urgently. Not that she would bite or anything ... she has never bitten anyone, never even HINTED at biting anyone. But, you know, I think if something actually DID happen to me and I was in trouble, and Lola could do something about it ... I really think she would.

So I was very interested to see how she would handle walking by so many Strangers. And sometimes, these Strangers would have Dogs. Stranger Dogs. Hmm...

So the first guy that we passed was a little old man out walking for exercise. Lola promptly moved so that she was between me and the old man, and her fur was bristled and her ears were at attention, and I was very surprised that when he was very close to us, she halfway growled at him ... almost a hiccup-growl. Like she didn't really mean anything, but she was letting us know she was On Alert. I had never heard her growl before at someone. I wondered if this was such a good idea. Perhaps it was Sensory Overload.

However, even though we passed by at least twenty other Strangers, she never growled, not once, not even close. She always moved between me and the Stranger, though, and she was On Alert from the moment she eyed them from afar.

When we encountered other dogs, she acted like she didn't even see them. She wasn't even tense. Sometimes the other dogs were barking at her like crazy, and she would eye them coolly like, "What's YOUR problem?" and move on. I thought this was VERY good dog behavior, especially considering how little interaction with other dogs she has. She got much love for that one.

When we were about a fourth of the way through our walk, there was a little girl (about 5 or 6 years old) who was by the big creek that runs alongside the greenway. She was fishing with her family. She ran up to us and asked so sweetly, "Can I pet your doggy?"

Phil and I looked at each other. Sure, Lola had never done anything before ... but would she today?

The mom yelled at us, "Aw, your dog looks just like Baby!" And the girl said, "I miss Baby. She died this summer." And choked back a sob.

"Sure you can pet her!" I said (how could I not?). "Just know that she's a little shy of strangers, so listen to me if I tell you to move away, okay?"

So I squatted down next to Lola, and as the little girl approached, Lola laid down right on the sidewalk, head between her paws. She was tense all over, obviously scared, but she was submissive. The girl pet on Lola for a few minutes, and Lola didn't budge. The girl, her family, and I talked about Baby and Lola and their similarities. Phil was also a bundle of nerves, ready to pounce if Lola tried anything. But when I saw her lay down, I knew we were fine.

Once the petting was over and Lola was free from the Strangers, she was very boisterous, jumping and trying to wrestle us, and running around and around us on her leash. She knew she had been a Good Dog.

We walked the entire length of the greenway and back. I think this was about 6 miles, maybe 7. (Phil, incidentally, never jogged, because he said he was enjoying the company too much.) Lola rode back in the car just as quietly as she came, and she was very tired when we got home.

So, I didn't jog, but I think it was a good trade. Plus, I am sore in parts of my legs that I am not normally sore. Maybe this changeup was a really good thing!

All right, well, I've put off going to do grocery shopping long enough. Perhaps the three minutes will be attained tonight? I'm not sure; I'll play it by ear. I might take it easy since I haven't jogged in a couple of days. Thanks for reading, friends!

The Migraine Reigneth

2009-08-22T19:50:00.002-05:00

Okay, in a brief period of lucidity, I thought I'd drop y'all a line ... let you know I've been leveled by my own brain. Stupid brainpower! Haha. Yeah, that's a weak joke. Maybe it's not lucidity after all.

Got a migraine last night. Phil was gonna take me out to eat. We were actually on our way to the restaurant and I said, "Maybe we ought to turn around" and proceeded to try to NOT empty the contents of my stomach in his car. I had a dull headache all day yesterday and it just amped up the volume startlingly fast. I collapsed on the bed like a sack of potatoes. I briefly remember Phil taking my shoes off.

Woke up with it today. Not as bad as last night but not dull, either. Today was a day of fasting and moving veeerrrrryyy sllllooooowllllyyy. Having times when I'm feeling pretty good and times when every noise and every source of light is almost unbearable. Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold. Meh.

Phil is on his way home. Oh thank goodness for the Renewer of Cool Rags Upon the Forehead!

No jog. No walking. But no vomiting, and no crawling. We must be proud of accomplishments on a sliding scale.

Okay, so that's where I am. In bed dreaming of the three minutes, and feeling a little angry at myself even though it's not my fault, really. At least it happened on a weekend, right? And not during the school week? Hate to cancel on my kids.

Time to go get horizontal again. This sitting at the computer is wearing me out.

Blegh. Maybe I'll sleep it off tonight ... ? Here's to hoping! Hate to cancel on my Sunday School class of kiddos, too.

Blegh.

Jogged for 2:55, Walked for 5

2009-08-21T18:44:00.002-05:00

This jog was brought to you by my husband, Phil, who saw me sitting at the computer last night (ironically reading weight-loss blogs) and asked in a not-so-innocent voice, "So ... have you done your jog today?" And I answered, "Yeeeesssss...?" in a voice which clearly said I-am-lying-to-you-but-I-hope-you-do-not-call-me-on-it, but he totally did. And with a deep sigh and a realization that he was totally right ... if not a little irritating ... I lugged myself to the treadmill.

It was rough, but it wasn't as bad as the night before. I have noticed today that I am sore on my thighs right above the knees (approximately in the area where resting my hands comfortably on the end of my thighs would be ... that entire handspan is sore!). Perhaps I am burning off that *attractive* doolap which folds over the top of the knee ... ? One can only hope!

Also, I learned something kind of neat about my treadmill. Before I started jogging, I played around with the "weight-loss" function that my treadmill offers. Supposedly, you can put in your weight and how many calories you want to burn, but it only allows you to work in a 20-minute timespan, so I was not interested in that. I had already punched in my weight, but I exited the program and did my jog as ususal. I was surprised that the calorie-counter was so very high last night! At first (my brain being depleted of oxygen since it was all going to my lungs to help me ... you know ... live), I thought, "Wow! Five seconds being added on here really made a HUGE difference!" And then I realized that it was actually calculating how many calories I am burning given my current weight (the treadmill was set for 150 pounds ... which is, incidentally, in my Dream World that is Future Auburn, my goal weight ... and that is a far cry from where I am now). I am skeptical of this counter ever since I read an article posted by Jenn which stated that these calorie-counters are over-inflated anyway ... which really depressed me ... thanks a lot, Jenn. :P (Oh, I'm just kidding. You know I heart you!) So I'm gonna report the calories burned as it told me, which is almost 100 calories more than it has been. Oh, well. It is what it is.

So, I jogged for 2:55, walked for 5 minutes. I went 2.173 miles, burned 359 calories, and it took me 50:00. At least I did it without stopping, though!

Well, tonight is the big THREE MINUTE MARK! I am friggin' excited! And friggin' scared! Why does getting fit have to be such a mental battle?! Wish me luck, friends! I will probably be jogging tonight after supper (Phil is offering to perhaps take me out on a date!), so I might not post again tonight if I'm too tired after the jog. We shall see. I will definitely let you know, though! Thanks for all of your continued support!!

Jogged for 2:50, Walked for 5

2009-08-19T18:35:00.003-05:00

Oh, my dear blog-reading friends: Tonight. Was. Rough.

I mean, rreeeeallllyy rough.

I am having jogging remorse, both from the jog tonight and skipping the jog from yesterday. Could not jogging yesterday have put me in such bad shape tonight?

*whimpers*

I mean, REALLY? I am so close to three minutes! I am so excited about three minutes! But GEEZ!!

I am soooo tired. I didn't jog yesterday because yesterday was such a long day. I worked from 7:10 in the morning to 6:30 that night, and there was still supper to cook when I got home. (After-school inservices really are a stupid idea, by the way.) So it really couldn't be helped; I was just too tired. But I figured it wouldn't be too bad to get back at it tonight.

Sorry to complain, guys. I just ... got on the treadmill tonight, and my whole body felt like lead. Like I could've sat down immediately after a round of jogging, closed my eyes, and fallen asleep sitting up.

Actually, sitting here in this computer chair is pretty comfortable... NO! Must! Resist! Sleep!

Nobody ever said this would be easy. But sometimes, it feels like nobody ever said it would be so hard, either. (I have echos of Coldplay reverberating in my head.)

I actually had to sit down a couple of times, because I was just sweating so badly (I just got sooo hot) and I was dizzy and ... sleepy. Even though I really didn't feel like I was working that hard. Like my breathing really wasn't even strained. Oh, so weird.

Oh, well. For my stats, I jogged for 2:50, walked for 5 minutes. I went 2.165 miles, burned 273 calories, and it took me 50:00 ... well, 50:00 on the treadmill, that is.

On a random tangent, WHY do Southerners eat whenever we get the chance? If we're hungry, we eat. If we're celebrating, we eat. If we're mourning, we eat. If there's a holiday, a birth, a wedding, a death, a birthday, a fourth Sunday, a Friday night ... we eat. And we never eat healthy!! Today at school, one of the teachers (at my base school, which means that I know no one because I do not have students there) is leaving, and so everyone brought in food. Chocolate doughnuts, glazed doughnuts, powdered doughnuts, sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, muffins, sausage balls ... and there it all was, unsupervised, when I walked into the teacher's lounge to make a couple of copies. I was floored. I wanted it. My mouth started watering and my eyes roamed all the beautiful, tantalizing colors of the spread. But then part of me remembered how many calories are in even ONE of those sweets, and I got to thinking that I didn't want my jog tonight to mean nothing for a few seconds of happiness. I made my xerox copies and got out. I felt very proud ... but that doesn't mean that I STILL don't want some of those sweets.

Can I seriously do this for the rest of my life?

I would like to think I can. :)

Jogged for 2:45, Walked for 5

2009-08-17T21:51:00.002-05:00

Okay, if you read my post that I wrote approximately thirty seconds ago, you know that I have a bad habit as of late of putting things off until too late in the night. I am a victim of this again. Need to go get a shower to wash the efforts of the Mile off, and then get to bed. Soooo tired! But tomorrow, I get to see some of my students for the first time this school year, even if just for a few minutes. I'm excited! I friggin' love my kids; they always make me laugh.

So as for my mile tonight, I jogged for 2:45 and walked for 5. I went 2.166 miles, burned 273 calories, and it took me 50:00.

I just have to tell you guys: a good friend of mine, Kristen, hung out with me at our husbands's softball game (the four of us go to the same church). I was wearing my new blue dress that afternoon since it was right after school. I told her why I got it and she was happy for me that I had lost 6 pounds. When we left the game (which our guys lost in a heartbreaker), Kristen was behind me in a tidal wave of people. When she finally caught up to me, she said, "That dress really is very slimming on you. It does this number," and she made her hands make an "hourglass" form. "Especially right in this area," and she guestured to the strip across her lower back. I clapped my hands and told her I would report it in my blog. I am a woman of my word!

But that seriously made my day. Isn't it amazing what a compliment will do???

Well, friends, gotta hit the showers. Thanks for your continued support. Can you believe that I am coming up on running for 3 minutes at a time???

Jogged for 2:40, Walked for 5

2009-08-17T21:47:00.002-05:00

Okie-dokie, so I'm gonna do this post at the same time as my next post. I actually did this jog last night, I swear! I'm just still having trouble making the transition from "Summer Time" to "School Time." I keep putting stuff off because that is what I do during the summer (I am a night owl at heart!), and I forget that School Time makes me absolutely exhausted and not unlike a geezer in my sleeping habits (come May I will be going to bed at like 8 or 8:30 .... you think I'm kidding, but I'm not). So I did my jog, and I was so tired I even debated not getting a shower (that is pretty stinkin' tired ... um ... literally). But I am happy to report I got the shower, just didn't report on the blog.

And that was a really long explanation for nothing, apparently. Haha!

Anyway, I jogged for 2:40, walked for 5. I went 2.166 miles, burned 273 calories, and it took me 50:00.

On to the post for tonight! :D

Jogged for 2:35, Walked for 5

2009-08-14T15:51:00.004-05:00

Okay, quick post, my friends. I did my jogging last night, but I was so incredibly tired that I didn't have the gumption to write about it after I jogged and got a shower, so here I am! I jogged for 2:35, and walked for 5 minutes. I went 2.166 miles, burned 273 calories, and it took me 50:00.

Well, I think I finally have some tentative weight-loss success! The day after I went to the doctor and found out that I had gained the infamous 6 pounds, I weighed myself at my parent's house. Their scale agreed with the doctor's scale (235 lbs), which I found to be very discouraging. However, yesterday I just so happened to be at my parent's house again, and I weighed myself again, just out of curiosity. It said I weighed 229 lbs!! HECK YES!

Perhaps I am back to where I was before I started all this jogging mess! (Haha, I say that sarcastically; I know that if I hadn't been jogging, I probably would've just continued to gain at the same alarming rate.)

So, yesterday when I was at Wal-Mart doing my weekly grocery shopping, I saw a cute dress that caught my eye that wasn't too expensive at all. I got it to reward myself for the weight loss, and I got compliments all day on it. :) Nothing like a few compliments to heighten your motivation!!

Oh, and just as a side-note: perhaps you are wondering why I don't weigh myself at home. Well, funny story... See, we HAVE a scale, and I think it's a pretty good one. We just don't have good floors. Our floors sink in, some places worse than others (we joke that we have to play Russian Roulette with the floor at the back door: one of these days, one of us is going to fall through, and every time when we step there, it's if we're feeling lucky). So, we found out rather quickly that in order to have an accurate scale, accurate floors are important. (To let you understand the inaccuracy, I apparently gain forty pounds from one end of my house to the other!) There is *one* tile on the kitchen floor that we have found to be fairly accurate, but it's right in front of the sink, so we can't leave the scale there, and by the time that I've carted the scale to the Magic Tile and zeroed the dern thing out, it was SO not worth the effort. Ah ... the joys of the Newlywed Starter Home.

Incidentally, my log house to-be has accurate floors. :)

All right, my friends. Tonight I am gonna cheer my husband on as he plays church softball, and we must travel two hours to get to the park tonight (our team won the district, so it's on to the regionals!). There probably won't be jogging tonight due to the drive-time, but I am not worried; I look hot in my new blue dress. :)

This is what the dress looks like, except that it
has a scoop-neck instead of a collar, and it doesn't button up the front. It's like a
comfy t-shirt and pretty dress rolled into one. :)

Jogged for 2:30, Walked for 5

2009-08-12T17:25:00.002-05:00

Yay! I'm back, baby! I upped my walking time by a minute, and I also did my jogging here in the mid-afternoon-early-evening hours to avoid potential intestinal supper conflict. Oddly enough, I hardly even broke much of a sweat. 'Course, I had every fan and air conditioning unit in the house cranked up to the point that before I jogged, I thought it was kinda cold (yes, it was out of fear of the jogging session) ... but once I got jogging, it was juuuuuust right. (Just call me Goldilocks the Jogger!) My breathing was okay until maybe about the last 30 seconds of each round, but that's to be expected. If it is this easy tomorrow, I'm upping my running time by five seconds again.

Easy. Ha! Listen to me, talking about jogging being easy! I sound like an athlete. Pfft! Whatever!

For my stats, I jogged for 2:30, walked for 5 minutes. I went 2.165 miles, burned 273 calories, and it took me 50:00.

Speaking of sweating, I have been sweating a LOT lately, and I don't mean just when I'm jogging. I'll be at work, minding my own business, and then slowly I realize that I go from being the cool and crisp school teacher to the Sweat Monster from the Black Lagoon. I'm talking about a general, all-over sweat. This is especially odd because I am NOT a warm-natured person (my husband once realized, with great accurity, that I have goosebumps and profess to be cold if it's below 70 degrees ... this is a staggering level of pansiness on my part). This is also odd because I know cognitively that there has not been a swing in the temperature in the room, and that it should not be so hot in the room to merit sweatinig.

At first I thought, hey, it's summertime, and you live in the South, where the humidity and temperatures are both insufferable ... of COURSE you're hot. But it's beyond that. And it's all the friggin' time. I'm even sleeping hot.

After wondering if this is what it's like to go through The Change and have the dreaded Hot Flashes and Night Sweats (which does not make me look forward to 25 or so years from now when that'll happen), it occurred to me: is this because my metabolism is changing? Is all this jogging, diligently, every day, pushing my body to its personal limit and making it go even further the next day ... is my internal thermostat being cranked up because there are CALORIES being burned even at REST??

Or am I just crazy?

I've never gone through anything like this before. Is my guess right? Any other ideas?

Well, I'm glad to be back, and I'm excited to maybe hit 2:35 tomorrow. Yay for breaking through the wall!

Of Embarrassment, and either Weakness / Failure / Smarts, you pick

2009-08-11T21:24:00.004-05:00

Okay, so today was a crazy day. First of all, let me explain that I do not know if I must report that tonight I was weak or that I failed or that I was smart, but ... I couldn't finish my mile tonight. I had to do 6 sessions of jogging in order to stay on my 2:30 regimen, and it felt like I just couldn't get my breath at ALL, and after the third session I just doubled over with a stitch in my side and my stomach just hurting so badly! My husband says that I didn't give supper enough time to settle, but I didn't eat much because I knew that I still had a jog to do (I mostly just ate a small salad), and I waited an hour, so I thought I was good. He was probably right; he's a smart man. I sat down, just completely deflated and holding my stomach, and after about 10 minutes he asked me if I could walk for 10 minutes at 3 mph, which would be an average between my walking and running speed, and if I walked for 10 minutes, that would finish my other half of a mile. So I did that, and that made me feel a little better, if not internally, then at least mentally. So was it smart to not finish my mile, or did I just give up on myself?

I guess, some days you win and some days you lose, but when you lose, you gotta pick yourself back up again and begin another day.

For my stats, I went 1.500 miles, burned 173 calories, and it took me 32:01. Ergh.

Speaking of "ergh," I feel compelled to share with you something that happened to me today that was mortifyingly embarrassing, because it *is* funny ... or at least I think so. I had to attend a mandatory special education inservice this morning; every special ed. teacher was present (so, roughly 60 people?), and the inservice was 3 hours long. We were all crazy with boredom. At the end of the inservice, our head boss decided to close the inservice with a passage from a book that she thought was especially encouraging. She asked for a volunteer to read the passage aloud. I, being the overachiever I am and ready to finally do something that was at least a little interesting, volunteered to read it.

Now, I consider myself to do a fairly good job reading aloud. I try to put emotion into it and make it sound like I'm just coming up with it instead of reading it. So I was doing my standard thing, everyone was listening well, and then I had to read the sentence, "Success is a journey."

I accidentally mispronounced it ... like it fell out of my mouth wrong ... and I said, "Sex is a journey."

And then I paused and said, "Whoooah. SUCCESS is a journey." Right into the microphone. And everyone burst out laughing for what felt like a time period equal to the entire Revolutionary War.

I got through the rest of the passage with as much dignity as I could, and sat down. Everyone made all kinds of comments. I will forever be known as the "Sex is a journey" girl among my peers. I think I could have shriveled up and died right there. Hahaha!

Oh, well. That's all I got for now. Here's to tomorrow being a better day! :)

Jogged for 2:30, Walked for 4

2009-08-10T21:35:00.003-05:00

Well, I did it. I jogged for 2:30, and it was ROUGH. I think I've finally reached a point that I'm building muscle from my jogging, instead of just building endurance. I noticed today during the day that my quads felt sore, almost like a bruise or a slightly twinged muscle. I was trying to figure out what I did to 'em, and then when I started jogging tonight it became brutally obvious. My thighs were talking to me like I had done 50 squats last night! And by about the third round, my boutwa felt like I had sat on something hot, and it was burning!!

My friends, I've hit my first jogging "wall." Will I let it stop me? No. But I think it's leveled me. I'm gonna plateau for a few days at this speed, and let my body catch up. Won't do any good to keep adding on 5 seconds it just be too much.

My husband was cheering me on tonight (unprompted) because he saw that I was struggling. He was standing next to me on the treadmill yelling weird things at me, such as, "Lola's running away, you gotta chase after her and get her!" "You're stuck in a tunnel and here comes a van! You've got 20 seconds to outrun the van before we reach the end of the tunnel and can dodge one way or the other to avoid it!" "You've gotta catch the criminal! He's getting away! You don't want him to get away, do you??" It was actually quite hilarious. It distracted me from the burning, and I was mentally cracking up. Plus, it was really beneficial to know that he was there being so supportive.

It was actually his suggestion that I plateau, and seeing as how he's my biggest motivator (other than myself) to get stronger and increase my speed and my time, I'm listening to his advice, since he's looking from the outside-in. We'll just try it for a few days and see if it gets a little easier.

Well, for my stats, I jogged for 2:30, walked for 4 minutes. I went 1.933 miles, jogged 43 minutes, and burned 248 calories.

And as for now, I need to go do my push-ups and sit-ups and then hit the showers. (Yeah, I forgot to do them again...) Thanks for all your support, everyone! I love everyone's comments!! :)

Jogged for 2:25, Walked for 4

2009-08-09T21:53:00.003-05:00

Okay, really quick post, guys. I jogged for 2:25, walked for 4 minutes. I went 2.075 miles, burned 265 calories, and it took me 47:00.

This was SUCH a HARD JOG!! I actually found myself thinking, "Oh, this is too hard, I'm not gonna make it, I'm gonna have to stop." But then I would think, "No, you did this much last night ... you just did this round a few minutes ago ... you only lack another minute ... you can do this." And geez, I did, but not without a stitch in my side. Scary! I don't like my butt getting whooped so early in the game. Or maybe this is my first "wall"?

*sigh* So much I don't know about jogging ...

Well, I've gotta get a shower and get ready for bed. School tomorrow!! Besos!! :)

Jogged for 2:20, Walked for 4

2009-08-08T22:53:00.003-05:00

Whew, guys! I can't tell you how good it feels to have gotten that last blog out of my system. I know that I've told y'all before that I am trying to write positive, but at the same time I kind of felt like I was lying to y'all, too. Like I was doing what I'm always trying to do, just putting on a happy face and bearing it all by myself, even though I'm really struggling inside. Fact is, now I feel like you know the worst of it, and I feel like I don't have to keep pretending. Now when I write positively, I know you know where I'm coming from. That is so relieving to me!

And thank you all for your dear comments! Maggie, I truly understand what you mean about your french teacher. She sounds a lot like the teacher that I covered, just a fantastic teacher and a wonderful trooper. We need more teachers like that!

I have some students in my gifted class who gave me the nickname "Mama Sunshine" because (out of their own mouths) when they begin their day with me their day always starts out happy. I love this nickname, but I also feel like I've gotta live up to it, too. I wanna be Mama Sunshine all the time! :)

I heard a line in a song by Jason Mraz that really struck me today. It said, "If it's a broken part, replace it/If it's a broken arm, then brace it/But if it's a broken heart, then face it." I feel like that is what I'm trying to do. Gotta heal from the inside-out. Gotta deal with all facets of how I got into this state that I'm in now, and figure out how to get myself out. And jogging is part of my therapy plan!

So tonight, I jogged again! I jogged for 2:20, and walked for 4 minutes. I went 2.063 miles, burned 262 calories, and it took me 47 minutes. And -- haha! -- it just now occurs to me that I didn't do my pushups and situps. Oh, well. Lola and I took a really long walk this afternoon ... maybe that'll make up for it...?

Well, my friends, it's getting late, and I still need to get a shower. I love y'all's comments ... you guys are so uplifting to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! :)

The Rest of the Story...

2009-08-08T12:14:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I feel compelled to explain myself a little better. In my last blog entry, I explained some particulars about my job, but I kind of got a little overwhelmed explaining it all, especially since I was trying to go to bed and it was getting me a little worked up. Since then, I've gotten through my first day back at work, last night I slept for a glorious 12 hours (which I don't think I've done since high school!), and I am ready to explain the rest of the story.

It might be a little lengthy, but I'm going to just get it all out there so that I don't have to keep reopening this wound. So let's start from the beginning...

When I graduated from college, I was the only Studio Arts major in my class. (Studio Arts, just so that you know, is opposed to Graphic Art: SA is painting and GA is working on the computer, mostly). My goal is to one day be scooped up by an agent, and I can paint to my heart's content, hand over my paintings to my agent, and they can wisk them away to sell them. However, my husband and I had been married for almost a year and we were pretty desperate for me to get a good paycheck. I started trying to apply to jobs which might relate to my major (my college was no help; mostly, it kind of felt like they opened up the door to the Real World, kicked me out on the sidewalk, and yelled "Good Luck!" before slamming the door in my face). Every job that I could find involved Graphic Art, and they didn't want to hire me because they didn't think I could do the job. The reality is that I can do Graphic Art work, but ususally Graphic Artists cannot do MY work. It was very frustrating.

So, after a few months, I decided to get a job as a substitute teacher at the local high school (incidentally, the high school from which I graduated). This way I could get some money coming in, but it wasn't so strict a job that I couldn't keep looking for another job. Fact is, I LOVED substitute teaching! I got to teach something different every day, and I got to meet every kid in the school. (At the time, my little sister was a senior there, and she would eat lunch with me on the days that our lunch schedules coincided. My little sister is one of my best friends, so that was really awesome! ^^) I specifically requested to the teachers to leave me their lesson plans so that I could teach in their wake; that way, I was not as bored (you try watching the same hour-and-a-half segment of a movie three times a day and see how you like it!), and the teacher would not get behind. I quickly became the most sought-after substitute, and I began teaching for longer and longer "stints," even teaching Calculus and Algebra II for a month.

Another math teacher in the school saw how well I was doing teaching Calculus and Algebra II, and she asked me if I would be willing to teach her class (Algebra I and II) for a week. She had breast cancer, and she just wanted a week to catch her breath and get back on her feet. I was more than willing to do this. After the week was over, she called me and asked if I could teach for her another week. Eventually, she asked me if I could teach her class until further notice. I ended up teaching her class for the entire semester (which, since we were on "block scheduling," meant that it was a year's worth of material). She passed away the April of that semester, and it was very hard on her students. She was one of those really special teachers that seemed to connect with every student. (I try to be the same way, but it's hard being in the shadow of someone else who is stellar at this.) I would like to think that I helped her last few months be more peaceful; I know that she told one of the other teachers that at least she knew she didn't have to worry about her class, that she knew I was taking care of it.

Anyway, at the end of the school year, the school board wanted to hire me to fill the vacated position, but I had to take a test on the subject area (the Praxis) before I could be hired. It was an extremely difficult test, filled with a whole bunch of math that I had never had before in my life, and I am not the best math person in the world, either! I needed a 136 to pass, and I made a 123 (so close!). So it was back to subbing for me.

Incidentally, the teacher that they *did* hire to fill the position, strangely enough, had my same last name. Boy, was she surprised when the school year began! Kids would run into her room yelling my last name, so excited, and then they were very confused when they saw her. She told me that it made for a very difficult first day. :)

Anyway, at Christmastime of the next school year, I got a very interesting phonecall (a conference call, no less) from the schoolboard. They said that there was a vacated position for the high school gifted teacher, and they wanted to know if I would be willing to teach the class for the spring semester. I was thrilled!

That spring semester wasn't so bad; if anything, it was a little boring. My school day was practically over when the rest of the county's school day began (high school gifted students begin class before school, so class time began either at 6:45 or 7:00, depending on the school). Since I was just a substitute, I wasn't allowed to do any of their paperwork because it would be illegal for me to even look at it. The workload for my students was divided between the other three gifted education teachers in the county. Sometimes I would sub for their classes while they worked on paperwork for my students. But, most of the time, it kind of felt like I got up early, had class, and twiddled my thumbs for the rest of the school day.

That summer, the school board contacted me and said that they wanted to hire me for the gifted ed. position, but I would have to take the Praxis for gifted education in order to get the job. I took the test, and passed with flying colors.

When I was officially hired for the job, my boss looked me dead in the eye and told me that it would be physically impossible for me to do all the paperwork for the job, but they wanted me to try to do it, anyway. That's a lot of pressure to be put on a first-year teacher!

To add to this pressure, the other teachers did not get all of their work done the semester before to keep my kids' paperwork in compliance. There are these things called IEP's (Individualized Education Plans) wherein I am supposed to have a sit-down meeting with the parents, the student, the principal, the guidance counselor, and at least one teacher and discuss what needs this student has that are above and beyond the average student. We are supposed to generate a plan to help this student accomodate to their unique situation.

I walked into the job with 40 IEP's past due, and more expiring all the time.

Need I remind you that I said in my last entry that the average special education teacher has 20-30 students, just so that they can do all the paperwork? I friggin' walked into the job with more IEP's past due than should be asked of me to do in an entire school year.

Oh, did I mention that there is no such thing as a curriculum? I've got to make up what it is that I'm supposed to teach, but have to make sure that it applies to standards that don't exist. What is up with that?!?

Oh-ho-ho, but I'm not done yet. See, since I did not have a teaching certificate, in order for me to keep my job, I had to go back to school and get my Master's in special education, and I had to show documentation at the end of the school year that I had done coursework during the school year (I had to at least do 6 hours in order to keep my job). So on top of the impossible work load, I was a Master's student as well. I completed 13 hours before I almost had a nervous breakdown and dropped out of school. (I figured, hey, that's well beyond my required 6 hours.) Plus, it's SO MUCH MONEY! Really, after I pay for school, I'm not really making much more than I was substitute teaching. And I was so much happier then...

Around March, I got a tip from a friend that there was an art teacher position opening in a school in another county. I was so excited, and immediately applied for the job. It would've been so much more relaxing to teach art, to actually be using my degree. I had the job interview, and I heard from some inside sources that I was the most qualified candidate for the job. I was on cloud nine, sure I was about to be rescued from this job that was slowly strangling me. About a month and a half ago, I found out (through email, no less) that they had hired someone else for the job. She had better political connections, apparently. So it was back into the old shackles.

I think the phrase, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is really stupid, incidentally.

So, anyway, the school year has just begun again. I am almost fifty pounds heavier than I was this time last year, and I've been diagnosed with anxiety-induced depression (wonder why?). I am trying to be a good teacher and a good wife, and it's often hard to be both, it seems. I'm about to go back into school to continue with my Master's program so that I can be hired for next year, if need be. I don't really know where to go from here because I really don't want this job for the rest of my life, but I have to be working on a Master's FOR this job so that I can be making money now. If I get my Master's for this job, aren't I going to be compelled to keep it so that I can justify all the money I put into it?

*sigh*

All I want is to build my log house and have my little children and settle down into the rest of my life. This is such a frustrating hiatus.

There, I think I'm done now. If you're still with me, thanks for reading all the ranting. I just really needed to get it all out there, for me, I think.

I guess a good comparison for how I feel right now is when you get into a pool that is almost too cold to swim in. You have a mental battle of, "This is FREEZING!" versus "No, if I move around a little bit, I'll get used to it." And you keep easing yourself deeper and deeper and the mental battle begins again. This is how it feels to be in my head. Part of me is constantly saying that I can't do everything that's being asked of me, and the other part of me thinks that it's going to get better, that I've just got to get used to it. Trying to stay positive is key. Some days are easier than others, but I am sure trying.

As a reward for reading all of this story, I'm going to post a couple of my paintings. I love painting pictures of my husband's and my farm, so I'm going to show you a few of those. Maybe you'll see why I want to live there so badly. :)

Jogged for 2:15, Walked for 4

2009-08-06T22:25:00.002-05:00

Well, this was it ... the last day of summer vacation. I can't believe how much I have come psychologically. At the beginning of the summer, I was crying every day because I dreaded the idea of the school year coming like a slow-moving freight train. Today, I didn't even come CLOSE to crying. It's just a fact of life. In fact, I'm looking forward to seeing my kids again, so I'm looking forward for the year to start.

Oh, before I get too deep into talking about the school year, I'ma gonna share my stats. I jogged for 2:15 and walked for 3 minutes. I went 2.066 miles, burned 263 calories, and it took me 47:00. Also, I feel compelled to tell you that I did 100 sit-ups (2 sets of 33, 1 set of 34) and 3 sets of 10 girl-push-ups. Not too shabby, huh?

Okay, so ... the school year. I feel like a total pansy saying that the school year kind of scares me. I actually love school. I graduated as Valedictorian from my high school and Magna cum Laude from college. I love teaching and I absolutely adore my kids.

It's just *this* job. The paperwork ... oh, GOSH ... the PAPERWORK!

I teach high school gifted students (the cream of the crop kiddos). The good part: the kids are brilliant, clever, funny, and keep me on my toes. The bad part: they are considered special ed.

So I have to do all ... and I mean ALL ... of the special ed paperwork. On each and every one of them.

Let me explain this monstrous amount of paperwork to you. The average special education teacher has between 20-30 students so that they can physically finish all of the paperwork. I, on the other hand, have 77 students, which is actually improved from my caseload of 98 from last year. To put it in another light, I only teach 5 hours a week, but the rest of the school day is spent on paperwork, and I physically cannot do it all. The perfectionist in me is being driven insane by this.

And as for now, I must stop talking about this, because already my blood pressure is rising, and I'm trying to get calmed down so I can go to bed ... and be able to get up in time to be at school at 8:00.

So, happy news? I have a couple of good weight loss cheers. This might be TMI, but I noticed something about my thighs today. My thighs normally touch the arms of the computer chair when I sit down at the computer (yes, BOTH arms), but today I noticed that my thighs do not touch the armrests anymore. Yay for slimming down!

Today I also bought a pair of shorts that I'm supposed to wear when I'm exercising that will allow me to sweat an extra amount and get rid of waterweight in my hips and thighs. I wore them tonight when I went jogging. I will say that if sweating is what those shorts were supposed to do, then By Gum they sure did a good job of it! It was actually quite gross, teehee. So maybe that's a good thing...?

Okay, be thinking about me tomorrow, friends. I've gotta face my old demons and continue trying to squelch my old thinking, and I fear it's gonna be a hard day. But at least I've got the ole treadmill waiting for me to get out some of the anxiety and tension. Until then! :)

Jogged for 2:10, Walked for 4

2009-08-06T09:04:00.002-05:00

Well, I decided I would get up and report in first thing this morning before I ran out of things to say! I *did* do my jogging yesterday; unfortunately, my husband came home from work last night and had a headache that quickly escalated into a migraine ... the worst kind of migraine. He was soooo sick, poor guy. So last night was dedicated to taking care of him. I did my jogging around 9:30 last night, but I couldn't write in my blog because the computer is in the bedroom, and I knew the light from the screen -- heck, even the sound of typing on the keyboard -- would've killed him, so I just wrote down my stats. Fortunately, he was able to take some medicine in a decent enough time before his stomach turned on him, and it must have been able to do some good because around 11 last night he said he felt fine. This morning he says he still feels fine, but he is contemplating not going to work for fear of overdoing it. He doesn't get migraines often, but when he does, they are doozies!!

Anyway, for my stats, I jogged for 2:10 and walked for 4 minutes. I ultimately went 2.065 miles, burned 262 calories, and it took me 47 minutes.

You know, there have been some people in my life that I have told that I have started jogging. The response is always the same: "Wow, I could never jog! Way to go!" (Or something like that.) Fact is, I'm not a jogger myself! But everybody's got a starting place, and everybody's gotta build on their starting place.

I guess my biggest inspiration is a guy I saw on Oprah a few years ago (and I'm not the biggest Oprah fan, but this episode really sticks out in my mind). The actual premise of the show was that they had someone one there who was a "germ expert," but as the show went on, I think they actually found a germaphobic coot and gave him camera time. (For example, I distinctly remember him saying that you should throw away toothbrushes after every two weeks, and you should throw away mattress sets every year. I mean, was he for real?!? "Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" is my motto.) Anyway, they very quickly had a man as a guest on the show who used to weigh something like 400 pounds, and he got a treadmill. Everyday he would walk a little bit on it, and he always made himself walk a little more than he did the day before. Then he tried jogging a little bit on it, still pushing himself. Finally he built up the endurance to jog FIVE MILES every day! And he looked so slim and trim!! He had a pair of shoes that he bought the day he bought the treadmill, and they were analyzing the shoes to test for diseases. (The germaphobe almost had a heart attack from the old pair of shoes.) Anyway, I've always remembered that man, and I kind of feel like if he was able to do so well from being so deep in the hole, maybe I can do it, too.

Heck, secret confessions of the Auburn: once I hit a mile, I would love to learn to jog two, then three, then up to five, and I would ultimately love to jog on a speed setting of 6. Don't know how I'm gonna get there, but I had to start somewhere!

And I got the idea of upping my time on the treadmill from a commercial I heard on the radio a few months ago. It was a commercial for a gym that was advertising that they could train people to run marathons. They said that they up your time thirty seconds every day, and "you don't even feel yourself getting stronger. Anyone can do thirty seconds!" Well, I remember laughing out loud in my car, because I wasn't for sure that I could jog even one SET of thirty seconds. Even now, the idea of upping my time by thirty seconds every day would absolutely KILL me. But I can do five seconds. It works for me. :) Slow and steady, right?

Well, I guess I need to climb off of this soapbox. Gotta have something to talk about tonight, right? Until then, guys! Thanks for your encouragement!!

Jogged for 2:05, Walked for 4

2009-08-04T21:51:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been a day since I posted. I didn't get to jog yesterday; I went and visited my dad at his new job, and I helped out a family friend who just had a new baby but also has a rambunctious two-year-old. It was so fun playing with the little boy and cuddling the little baby. I totally got baby envy, haha! I want children so badly ... but we don't want to have children where we live right now. We are much too crammed in this glorified cardboard box, and WE don't even want to be here. We've bought a log home package that we want to build on our beautiful farm ... but so far, it's just dreams. Homes and dreams and babies ... *sigh* But it'll get here. And in the meantime there are short-term goals, like jogging!

As for tonight, I jogged for 2:05 and walked for 4 (I went ahead and bumped up my time, and it was a LOT easier to jog, lemme tell you!!). I went 2.207 miles, burned 278 calories, and it took me 51:00.

As long as I am on the topic of babies (since I've totally got them on the brain), I'll go ahead and share with you the names that we have picked out. We've got two boy names and one girl name (we want boys, so boy names are easier, haha!). Our first boy name is Phillip Taran, and he'll go by Taran. (Incidentally, I wanted him to be Taran Phillip, but my husband said that he didn't want our son's initials to be "TP," like toilet paper.) Our other boy name is Hunter Grover. (Grover was my husband's grandfather's name whom he adored so much [who unfortunately passed away a couple of months after we got married] ... but even the grandfather didn't like his own name, so we just wanted a name that didn't sound too bad with it. We thought Hunter was a good compliment.) And our girl name that we have picked out is Valancy Elizabeth.

One day I'll have my little ones, and I can't wait to be a mom. But I know when I am a mom, I will fondly remember the days when it was just my husband and me, so I'm just trying to do my best to enjoy these days while they are here.

Well, really fast, I'd also like to share that I made a low-fat parfait for my husband and me to eat for supper tonight, and it was so friggin' good!! Even HE liked it, and he tends to be diet-phobic. Sometimes, when it tastes so good to be good, who wants to even be bad?!?

Well, it felt good to get back on that treadmill. Thanks for all your support, guys! It's truly what keeps me going!

Jogged for 2, Walked for 3:30

2009-08-02T22:38:00.002-05:00

YAY! TWO MINUTES! I have officially doubled my time from when I first started jogging! Woo-hoo!!!

*would like to demonstrate a happy dance, but cannot, so will let Kirby do it for her:*

"(>^^)>" "<(^^)>" "<(^^<)" "<(^^)>" "(>^^)>"

Well, for my official stats, I jogged for 2 minutes, walked for 3:30. I went 2.005 miles, burned 256 calories, and it took me 45:30.

This was a hard jog. It was hard to breathe tonight for some reason! Darn asthma!! I tried to overcome it by adding on 30 seconds, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to add on a full minute instead. But, as I keep telling myself, you gotta do what you gotta do, and it's not a race, right? :)

Also, after I was over, I did three sets of 30 crunches and three sets of 5 push-ups. I friggin HATE push-ups. I even start shaking when I get into the position. All I can do is what is known as "girl" push-ups, but I would love to be able to do full push-ups one day. My husband can do the whole one-handed push-ups and the push-up-and-clap-inbetween trick. Showoff. :P So I had him look at my form while I struggled through one of my sets so that I would know the few I was doing were right. He said they were good, which was kind of relieving to me. Maybe a new goal to do a few push-ups after I run, and get rid of the bat wings? :) We shall see!

Jogged for 1:55, Walked for 3

2009-08-01T22:28:00.002-05:00

*hugs everyone back, even if she is a little sweaty since she just finished her jog* :)

Thank you guys for your sweet comments. I am so appreciative of your kind words! You know, when I started this blog, I was telling my mom about it. I told her that I wanted it to be a place to inspire others, but mostly to inspire me. Yes, me. *I* needed inspiration. When I sat down and read my own blog, I didn't want to wallow in the feelings that I try to hide in my head all day, I wanted to pump myself up and get excited about getting in shape, so that one day I can look back and truly be proud of what I have accomplished. I have kind of been a mess this summer, and this blog has been a bright spot. It is a goal that I can see, and it excites me. After I told Mom about how I sit down and try to write "positive," she said in agreement, "Sometimes you have to say things that you might not exactly feel to teach yourself to feel that way." That really struck me, because even though it is true that this is how I want to use this blog -- to rewrite my thinking -- it also hit me because this is how I have treated myself in the past, but negatively. I made myself feel things about myself that were not true. I need to teach myself that these thoughts AREN'T true. Odd, isn't it?

Anyway, these were the things I was thinking while I was back on the treadmill again (I couldn't help but also hear in my head Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again," teehee!). I jogged for 1:55 and walked for 3 minutes. I burned 245 calories, went 1.900 miles, and it took me 42 minutes.

After I jogged, I sat down by my husband while he was at the computer. We talked about the infamous 6 pounds. Neither of us really believe it, but we said that even if it IS true, slacking up on the jogging won't make them go away. Plus, today my husband and I spent the day working on our farm (we raise commercial cattle), and he made a comment about something he noticed about me on the farm today. We had to walk around one of our fencelines because a calf had gotten out, and we had to find the hole in the fence. After walking around and fixing the fence, we walked straight up a steep hill (and it was not a tiny hill, let me assure you!) in order to get back to our truck in the fastest way possible. A month ago, I would not have been able to walk up that hill without seriously dragging, maybe even taking a break, and definitely wheezing. Today, I kept pace with him, and it wasn't until the very height of the hill that I started breathing heavy. He pointed that out to me tonight and told me how proud he was of me.

And you know what? I'm pretty proud of that, too. :)

Note to self: Don't let a teeny number stop you from your goals. The quest for the mile is in sight! :)

Depression ...

2009-07-31T17:32:00.003-05:00

So, I went to the doctor today, and stepped on that scale. I wasn't expecting much (pound loss? Pound gain?). But I certainly wasn't expecting what I saw.

Six pounds.

Gained.

Oooohhhh noooooo. Why? I haven't been THAT bad! I still don't understand. My clothes don't even feel different; if anything, I think my jeans feel a little looser. WHY??

I didn't really want to get into all this now, but ...

See, I went to the doctor a month ago today because I knew things weren't right. She diagnosed me with anxiety-induced depression, and put me on medication. Today was the day to see if the meds were doing what they should. There is such shame to admitting you have been diagnosed with depression, like you can't handle things. Like you're fragile. Fact is, I try to be superwoman, and I get too much on my plate, and I beat myself up if I can't do everything perfect.

So I started running to do two things: to make me healthier and to lose weight, and to help me to overcome depression. Give me something to look forward to, to accomplish. I feel accomplished.

But six pounds? Really?? In a month??? *sigh*

I was stuck in meetings all day, and I've actually gotta wrap this up because my husband and I are going to go meet some friends tonight and play games. I need some cheering up. But that means no running today. I'm feeling pretty low, friends. Any good words?

Jogged for 1:50, Walked for 3

2009-07-30T20:36:00.003-05:00

Woo-hoo! 1:50! Two minutes is not far away! It sounded so crazy last week to jog two minutes. Now I know I can do it! Amazing how adaptable the human body is once it is kicked in the butt, isn't it? :)

Well, I jogged for 1:50, walked for 3 minutes. I went 2.005 miles, burned 256 calories, and it took me 45:00.

If you're wondering why I didn't post yesterday, it's because I didn't jog yesterday. Yeah, I felt bad about that, too -- but I've got a good reason! The reason I didn't is because I got a mild migraine in the midafternoon and it didn't go away for the rest of the night. (I get headaches and migraines when major weather systems are about to head through my area, and we are under a tornado watch as we speak. I think I'd trade an achy knee or something rather than a headache, you know?!?) I almost tried to jog anyway, just so that my streak wasn't broken. My husband said, however, that perhaps I shouldn't do it because if I strained myself in that state, I was only asking to see my supper again. He was right. Vomiting would not make me a healthier person. :)

So, the streak is broken, but I'm back on track now, and, you know, there's gonna be some days that I'm not gonna be able to jog, but I can't fall off the wagon and get into the habit of not jogging, even when those days come by.

Plus, my husband and I spent the whole afternoon doing some hardcore cleaning. I'm talking like moving the fridge and the stove and mopping under them. It felt good, and since we worked so hard and steady for so many hours, I bet I made up those calories I missed jogging the day before, anyway.

Well, tomorrow I am gonna weigh in. I'm not expecting much; food-wise, sometimes I've been good and sometimes I've been bad since I've been jogging. (I know I need to be good ALL the time, but ... well, one goal at a time, right??) Plus, I knew when I took this up that it was gonna be a long time before I could jog long enough to truly see some change and major calories burned. But, even a pound would be nice ... ? We shall see! I'll let you know, even if it's not good. I know you guys have got my back even when things aren't well.

Well, good night, all! Stay strong!! :)

Jogged for 1:45, Walked for 3

2009-07-28T21:18:00.002-05:00

Well, I've had a couple of new readers join since the last time I posted, so let me say a big Welcome to my newbies! I love y'all's comments; it's truly what keeps me motivated. It has been many years since I have exercised this many days in a row. Thanks! :)

Tonight, I jogged for 1:45 and walked for 3 minutes. I ultimately went 2.016 miles and burned 257 calories. It took me 45 minutes.

My husband gave me a huge pick-me-up tonight! He said that he thinks he can tell a little bit of a difference around my hip-area, like I'm getting chiseled down. That made me feel so great! I don't really know if I have lost any weight yet (I'm actually going to get weighed in on Friday, and I'm skeered!), but it felt good that he thinks he sees a change. Also, when I was jogging (which he hasn't seen me do in a while, since I try to jog during the day so I don't make it too difficult for him to hear the TV!), he said, "You know, I think you're getting stronger!"

"You think?!?" I said, excited, while jogging.

"Oh, yeah! I mean, look at you! You're not panting and you're even able to talk to me! That excites me ... kind of makes me want to take you out for a jog with Lola and see what you can do!"

"Well, that would be fun! Just ... just remember how much I have to rest."

"That's all right. We can do it. Slow and steady wins the race, right?"

I just beamed.

Jogged for 1:40, Walked for 3

2009-07-27T17:50:00.002-05:00

Another session down! The math is getting harder to do in my head, which is hilarious in a sad kind of way. I'm having to write down my times so that I don't cheat myself out of a round. Whatever you gotta do, right??

I jogged for 1:40, walked for 3 minutes. I went 2.001 miles, burned 256 calories, and it took me 45:00.

On top of failing to exercise, I have also let my house get into a sad state of affairs over the past few months. (I'd get home and just want to sit, not exercise or cook or clean or anything -- not even think!) Tonight my husband and I are gonna try to attack the house again. That'll burn a few more calories, and make the house feel better, too! I'm just trying to develop a whole new set of better habits. Better habits and better thinking! Better go get to it!

Jogged for 1:35, Walked for 3

2009-07-26T22:50:00.002-05:00

Well, another session down! I have now officially been jogging for an entire week; this is a huge accomplishment for me! Yay!

As for my stats: I jogged for 1:35, walked for 3 minutes. I went 2.113 miles, burned 268 calories, and it took me 48:00.

Today I haven't felt the greatest, and I was considering not jogging tonight because of it. My husband finally said after I commented to him that I really didn't want to jog that I would be glad that I did tomorrow. He was right; I was feeling good enough to do it -- I was just letting another excuse get in the way. I remembered my ole tennis days that I would play no matter how crappy I felt unless I had a fever and/or was throwing up. What happened to that stronger person that used to be me? I've gotta dig her out under this layer of fat, I think!

Well, it's getting late. Guess I need to hit the hay for the evening. Until tomorrow! :) Stay strong, all!

Jogged for 1:30, Walked for 3

2009-07-25T21:21:00.003-05:00

Wow, 1:30! It's hard to believe that it was less than a week ago that I was only jogging for one minute at a time, and worried that I might not have been able to do it! I am seriously feeling very proud of myself, because I have wanted to do this for a long time, and for the first time it feels attainable. Some days are harder than others, even in this short time span, but I've only grown, and I'm feeling great. :)

Okay, my stats this go-around: I jogged for 1:30, walked for three minutes. I burned 266 calories, and ultimately walked 2.098 miles. It took me 48 minutes.

Might I also add that I did this exercise bout after taking my dog Lola for a walk and playing around with her for about an hour? Our walks are intense -- probably 45 minutes of that was walking her. She LOVES to walk. Remember how I commented a couple of posts ago about how I bought a toy that allows me to throw her a tennis ball and I don't have to bend over so far to pick it up once she brings the ball back? Well, she is a great fetcher ... until about the 4th time. Then she is bored with it and wants to go for a walk! I couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't have a dog that would let me sit in a chair with a glass of cool ice tea and just let me occasionally throw her a ball to exercise her. But ohhhhhh no, she wants me involved! I laughed and figured that was probably what I needed anyway. She's my buddy so I can't stay mad at her. :)

Well, until tomorrow, guys! I'll be inching my way closer to running for 2 minutes at a time! Hooray!!

Jogged for 1:25, Walked for 3

2009-07-25T19:05:00.002-05:00

Okay, so this post is a day late, but I haven't had internet access. I helped move my sister-in-law into her new apartment yesterday, so all day was a sweatin' kind of day. Around 9:45 when we were all done, I said, "Hey, let's go work out in the apartment complex's gym." She was all for that, so we went and exercised there.

Now let me stress to you that I was working out with my husband's sister. I have previously mentioned that my husband is the pinnacle of athletic perfection without even trying. His sister is no exception. (It occurred to me a couple of years ago that, when hanging out with my husband and his sister, I am suddenly the slow, fat kid with asthma, even though in a typical crowd I might not be stereotyped that way quite so fast!) She ran cross country in high school (even won state!) and she has kept up her slim-n-trim figure all through college. On a fat day, she is a size two (at a height of 5'7"), and this is no exaggeration. I even felt selfconscious walking next to her in her short shorts that looked perfect on her, and I was in my lightweight sweatpants that demurely hide the cottage cheese which lies beneath.

There were two treadmills in the gym; one was much more savvy than the other one. I let her pick, saying that she knows more about what she's doing than I do. She took the more technologically-advanced one. This was fine with me, even though after I started running it became painfully obvious that the belt needed tightening on my treadmill. I kept slipping on it! I couldn't really let myself go as I normally do at home (I suppose possibly for several reasons), and also my standard speed of 4 didn't feel nearly as fast as it did on my treadmill at home, so I went at a speed of 4.7 on this foreign treadmill. It was quite an adventure, let me tell you.

Anyway, it said that I burned 253 calories, but I don't know how well I trust the thing. How I missed my treadmill at home!!

At the end of the workout, she looked over at me and asked about my running pattern. I was telling her about it, and she seemed really impressed by how quickly I am picking it up. That made me feel pretty good, even if she burned more calories on the elliptical machine alone waiting for me to finish after she had already jogged her 3 miles at a 7.6 speed. Oh, well. You've gotta crawl before you can walk, right?

Well, I think I'm gonna go outside and horse around with Lola for a little bit, and then I'll come back inside and run my mile for today ... 1:30, here I come!!

Jogged for 1:20, Walked for 3

2009-07-23T16:51:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I kind of weenied out today. (Is "weenied" a word? Well, you know what I mean.) After thinking about it all day today, I just thought that I couldn't jog for 1:20 without walking more inbetween. Maybe I psyched myself out; I dunno. I DO know that the extra minute of walking inbetween each round of jogging made a HUGE difference. I was prepared mentally and physically for the next jogging round, my breath was under control, and the "burnination" was better today ... though I did drink more water (thanks for the tip, Katie!).

Anywho, for my stats, I jogged for 1:20, then walked for three minutes. It took me 54 minutes totaly, and I walked 2.306 miles. I also burned 288 calories.

This is the first time since I've gotten my treadmill (back around New Year's, which was, incidentally, purely coincidental ... I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions) that I have exercised on it for 4 days in a row. I guess that in and of itself is a milestone, right? :)

Keep on going, guys, one step at a time. That's what I keep telling myself!! :D

Jogged for 1:15, Walked for 2

2009-07-22T16:19:00.004-05:00

Okay, so this was a rough round. I am beginning to remember why I always have given up after the third day. Not this time, though! Doesn't mean I'm not scared!!

I jogged for 1:15, walked for 2 minutes. I burned 241 calories and ultimately walked 1.864 miles.

I'll say this: my breathing really wasn't having issues, but my legs were BURNING!! Like, the backs of my thighs were on fire about 20 seconds deep into every jogging session. By about the minute mark, I began to think that I just couldn't make it, but I remembered that I ran further than that yesterday, and I didn't want to have to report failure. One day I might have to report failure, but today was not gonna be that day!!

I'm just worried that with such "burnination" (love ya, Strong Bad) that I won't be able to up my ante by another 5 seconds tomorrow. Maybe I'll walk for three minutes to give me more of a break. Ergh, I feel like such a weenie. Any suggestions?

The War Against Fat

2009-07-22T14:50:00.003-05:00

(This is a version of a note that I had posted on facebook a while back; I feel like it's appropriate here!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To Fat:
(because we both know that you are certainly not "Dear Fat")

Okay, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but your days are numbered, Fat. This is an official Declaration of War because I have brought in reinforcements -- because, for some reason, the War against Fat is not official until the person in question begins actually *winning*, and I can no longer fight you alone. I am tired of you making my body impersonate a bloated manatee.

It has already been a long struggle, Fat. Even if we don't get along, we have been through a lot together. I have been trying to get rid of you since before I got married, so the battle is a little over four years old. I have been dieting and exercizing. I briefly succeeded a while back, but old habits and fears set in and still, you remained close by my side (hahaha). You have made me feel such shame and worthlessness.

I am so sick of the feelings that you make me feel, Fat. I am tired of avoiding mirrors. I am tired of sometimes not even wanting to get out of bed for shame of my body. I remember with incredible self-loathing the first time I realized that I needed to go to the plus-sized department to find pants that fit, and crying in the dressing room when I realized that the jeans from said department *did* fit. I realized with disappointment that I ACTUALLY feel that I am not pretty anymore, that the pretty girl I once was is buried under a thick layer of tumorous growth. I remember with pain how I have caught my students making fun of my jiggly arms while I was writing on the board, and read graffiti on a desk in my room that said "She has a huge double chin."

I am tired of being in photos and looking like I could EAT everyone else in the shot.

I hate that I hate being introduced as Phil's wife, because to be honest I don't feel worthy. I just want to disappear and not want to talk to anyone anymore. I want so badly to be a proud newlywed, and I have yet to have that feeling.

I am so tired of crying.

But it will not be for much longer, Fat. The Quest for the Mile is at hand! The blog is entact! Yes, Fat -- REINFORCEMENTS! You can't abuse me alone anymore!! Enjoy 'hanging out' while you can, but it won't be for long!!I am ready to get back my self-esteem, self-worth, and whole psyche. You have hid them from me for too long.

Yours Regretfully,

General Jogging Auburn

(P.S. Normally I would wish you a slow and painful death, but considering that I want you to leave as quickly as possible, I am sure you understand that I must keep that desire in spirit only.)

Jogged for 1:10, Walked for 2

2009-07-21T17:12:00.002-05:00

Here's to Round 2! I jogged for 1:10 (decided to push myself to go 5 seconds beyond what I thought I'd do yesterday!). All in all, it took me 43:10 to finish (hey, at least it's marginally faster than yesterday), burned 250 calories, and ultimately walked 1.942 miles.

The blog is working! Today I bought myself a dog toy to play with Lola (she is my black lab/chow mix). It's a thing that allows you to throw a ball further than you might normally throw it, which is nice but it's not the reason I got it. I mostly got it because it says that it has a "hands-free pickup," meaning I might be able to get the ball off the ground without bending over, and thus saving my poor ole back. Can't wait to try it out with Lola!

Also, I had to do a lot of errands today, and I was famished. I pulled into a local Sonic restaurant, and stared longingly at the mozzarella sticks. I almost talked myself into getting them, but then I noticed apple slices (served with fat-free caramel sauce) were listed right under them. It was so tasty, and I didn't feel guilty afterwards, which was nice. I didn't want to have to face y'all if I had eaten those mozzarella sticks! XD

Well, I've gotta get ready for VBS tonight. Thanks for all the wonderful encouragement! Keep up your hard work with your own fitness endeavors!!!

Thank you!

2009-07-21T11:35:00.002-05:00

Thank you all for your kind comments! I need this encouragement (and watchful eyes, Meg!) to keep me on track. I think I'm actually gonna do it this time, with y'all's help (and, yes, "y'all's" is a word ... at least I didn't bust out an "all y'all's" ... or maybe I just did). Keep up your hard work, and we will all encourage each other!! :D

Maggie, I'm glad to hear you've started running too! I have never been on a treadmill before until I bought this one. I'm just tempermental enough that if the weather outside is not absolutely perfect, I will talk myself out of jogging. Anything for an excuse, right? But no more excuses! The end of the mile is in sight! Can I get a hallelujah! :D

Next jogging session is this afternoon, and I'm totally pumped to do it and tell you guys about it. But before I do that, I am about to have a very stressful meeting with my boss ... hope it goes well! Until then, guys!

Jogged for 1, Walked for 2

2009-07-20T15:37:00.002-05:00

Whew! So I just jogged for my first session. I jogged for one minute and walked for two minutes. It took me a grand total of 47 minutes (boo on that!). I burned 262 calories, and ultimately walked 2.065 miles.

It was rough, but it was do-able. I was feelin' pretty good until about the 5th round, then it started getting a little harder to breathe. Sure was happy to get to that last round!!

I thought it was ironic that on the 6th round, a commercial came on TV that was for helping people out with credit card debt. That in and of itself is not ironic, but the pitch for the commercial was. A very serious man in a suit was standing on a treadmill, and he said, "Does it feel like you are stuck on a treadmill?" Panting and sweating and jogging, I was like, "Well, good job, Detective Obvious!" He went through his spill, and at the end of the commercial they zoomed in on his face and he pointed out directly at me, serious as a hellfire and brimstone minister, and said, "Why wait any longer? Get OFF the treadmill!"

And I was like, "Et tu, TV?" That was just mean.

But anyway, I'm so happy to be done until tomorrow!! (Isn't that truly the best part of exercise?? Fo sho!) Until then...!

Introduction

2009-07-20T11:24:00.003-05:00

All right, let me say first and foremost that I created this blog to give me a sense of accountability, so even if you are just a casual reader checking out this site, please leave me a comment just so that I know that there are people watching and that I can't slack up this time. Thank you.

Okay, now to introduce myself. I'm Jogging Auburn ... or, at least, I will be. I am a 25-year-old artist-turned-special education teacher. I have a wonderful husband who is the pinnacle of athletic perfection without even trying, haha. And as for me ... well, I have a whole bunch of excellent excuses:

1) I'm often exhausted from my job. Waking up at 4:45 or 5:00 every school day to get to class by 6:45 is pretty tiring. When I get home, I just want to sit, not exercise.
2) When I was about 19 or 20, I developed exercised-induced asthma just out of the clear blue sky, so it's hard for me to breathe if I push myself too hard.
3) When I was on the tennis team in college, I tore the muscles in my back while doing Olympic-style weightlifting, so I'm limited with exercising because my back can lock up.
4) I've got so far to go, it's kind of overwhelming. Since my good ole college tennis days, I have managed to put on about 80 pounds. I am not proud of this, and it's kind of like I woke up one day and was like, "Well, gee, I can't wear any of my clothes anymore. How did that happen??" Once you realize that you're fat, there is a shame element to working out. You know what I mean?

However, despite all these excuses, I have come to realize that excuses are truly what they are. I can spin excuses all day long, but that doesn't mean that they are going to go away (well, except for possibly number 4). This is the hand I have been dealt, and there are people out there who have even more. The truth is, I want to be fit for myself. I want to be proud of myself and look at myself in the mirror and smile at what's there instead of judging what I see ... or worse, IGNORING what I see. I want to get in shape so that when I am ready to have kids in a couple of years, I can be that fun mom who runs around and plays with them, instead of panting on the side, waving my hand, and saying, "You kids run on and let Mommy rest a minute."

So I got a treadmill.

And I'm scared to death to use it.

I mean, a mile is scary when you're reeeeally out of shape. It almost seems insurmountable. I mean, have you ever tried exercising for something, and you try on the so-called "Beginner" level, and it totally wears you out to the point that you are sweating like a stuck hog and feel like a bloated manatee, and the next day comes and you're like, "Man, that was hard! I think I'll just sit down and watch me some Dr. Phil instead." You might laugh, but it's only because you know it's true! And I also really hate the exercise videos that claim to be easy to follow, so you pop it in all ready to go, and there is a perky, slender woman who says she's gonna get you into shape, and as soon as the music starts, she begins doing a ton of complicated moves without warning, spasing out all over the screen in an upbeat whirlwind of aerobics, and I might try to flail around with her for a few minutes, but I find that I mostly end up staring at the screen in a trance, trying to figure out how she is even getting her body to DO those moves, much less copy them for myself.

Anyway, I've got a plan to get myself to run a mile. See what you think. I have attempted to begin this routine before, but after about three days I stop because I know no one cares but me, and Dr. Phil calleth. I know I can jog on a speed setting of 4, and mathematically, if I jog on that speed, it will take 15 minutes to jog a mile. No way can I jog for 15 minutes (at least now, anyway), so I'm gonna build up my tolerance. I plan to begin by jogging for 1 minute and then walking for two minutes, until I jog my whole 15 minutes. Next day I can jog for 1 minute, 5 seconds, and walk for two minutes. We'll see how that goes. As I said before, there is a shame element to exercising when you're in the hole as much as I am (even now I'm sitting here thinking, "Dang, you can ONLY jog for one minute?!" and another part of me says, "At least, I HOPE I can jog for one minute!" It's the Couch Potato Remorse talking.)

So, here is to new beginnings, and pursuing that Quest for One Mile. Who's with me?? I think I might even try to do my first session this afternoon ... oh geez!! What have I gotten myself into?!?

The Quest for a Mile

Where have I been?

I jogged!

Update from Fall Break

...Dizzy...

Fall Break

Perhaps a slightly defensive post...

The Dream

Sunday Luncheon with the In-laws

Over the Top Awards!

Take a Virtual Walk with Jogging Auburn and Lola!

Walked and Ran and Dieted

New Dawn, New Day

Honest Scrap Awards

Distractions ... ?

Change of State of Mind, and Yoga!

Self-Loathing

Speed-walked for 30 minutes with Pickups

The moment I realized I was a redneck:

Speed-walked for 30 minutes

Beef and Barbeque

Jogged for 1:30, Walked for 3

Of Jogging, Dieting, and the Picture that Kept Me Going

Jogged for 1, Walked for 2

Hittin' the Road and the Diet Plan

So yesterday ...

Infection

The Bane of Going to Eight Different Schools This Week

Jogged for 3:05, Walked for 6

Jogged for 3, Walked for 6

Lola's Quest for Multiple Miles

The Migraine Reigneth

Jogged for 2:55, Walked for 5

Jogged for 2:50, Walked for 5

Jogged for 2:45, Walked for 5

Jogged for 2:40, Walked for 5

Jogged for 2:35, Walked for 5

Jogged for 2:30, Walked for 5

Of Embarrassment, and either Weakness / Failure / Smarts, you pick

Jogged for 2:30, Walked for 4

Jogged for 2:25, Walked for 4

Jogged for 2:20, Walked for 4

The *Rest* of the Story...

Jogged for 2:15, Walked for 4

Jogged for 2:10, Walked for 4

Jogged for 2:05, Walked for 4

Jogged for 2, Walked for 3:30

Jogged for 1:55, Walked for 3

Depression ...

Jogged for 1:50, Walked for 3

Jogged for 1:45, Walked for 3

Jogged for 1:40, Walked for 3

Jogged for 1:35, Walked for 3

Jogged for 1:30, Walked for 3

Jogged for 1:25, Walked for 3

Jogged for 1:20, Walked for 3

Jogged for 1:15, Walked for 2

The War Against Fat

Jogged for 1:10, Walked for 2

Thank you!

Jogged for 1, Walked for 2

Introduction

The Rest of the Story...